Let’s face it—dating people your age is, like, so 2012. Why not pursue someone who’s older, wealthier, and drinks out of something other than a sad, lonely red solo cup? Well, it’s your day to carpe diem—because that fresh alumni network is up and running, and it’s your job to snag that investment banker before anyone else does.
So, there are a few options that would work to your advantage when finding an older bae. First, make an appointment with the CDO about getting a job. While meeting with said CDO employee, mention how you want that fresh, fresh cash and how you’d really like to work for someone sleazy, who will risk company policy to go out of their way to date you. New York, Chicago, and San Francisco are great places to visit—but even better when you have a bae ultimatum. Make sure to set aside lots of time in the meeting to discuss interview outfits and how to succeed in office gossip because: priorities, people. Use your new seductive office aesthetic and new “public speaking” skills to connect with Kenyon alumni like E.L. Doctorow and Rutherford B. Hayes. The boundary between life and death is no battle for your corporate abilities.
If you miss that cute person who graduated two years ago, why not haul ass to exactly where they’re living? Take a page from Quentin, from John Green’s Paper Towns and track down your crush even if they flee to a town that doesn’t exist on maps just to escape your presence (for those of you who have never heard of JOHN GREEN, JOHN GREEN is a v. famous writer who writes young adult novels and is named JOHN GREEN). Linkedin, Facebook, and even Instagram can help lead you to their common watering holes. Make sure to like everything they post on social media and don’t let them forget about you by posting *witty* Emojis as comments. (Don’t use words! Be as obscure and strange as possible!) You know how the CDO keeps wanting you to make a Linkedin? Well, get on that shit. Post the best pictures of yourself lounging on the beach barely clothed in Orlando and posing by a nice, thick tree in your best attire. Linkedin is not about looking professional—it’s all about sex appeal. Mention how you’ve got great oral skills and worked as a trainer in your bio. It’s sure to snag some person’s attention.
Sugar daddy? Yes, please. To really lure an attractive older alumnus, find their house/office and then leave a trail of candy to your desk/hotel nearby. They will follow the trail of M&M’s and Reese’s Pieces because adults love candy—it distracts them from the obliterating black hole that is growing up. Now that you’re actually enrolled in college, you’ve realized that “adulthood” is designed to prepare you for real life. Real life is rough. If it’s anything like they teach you in college, you have to get prepared for having a personal kitchen staff who can cook you vegan options and a magical identification card which can pay for everything, from your laundry to your late night Dominos. Speaking of pizza, Kenyon alum Paul Newman (nicknamed the Kenyon Krust King by the cool kids) was a major connoisseur of the frozen assortment and is a great resource for dating inspiration. Rumor has it, Sir Salad Dressing himself used to reel in freshmen love interests with fishing rods he rented from Walmart. In exchange for the publicity, they would sell his frozen skillet meals. So if you want in on the knock-off Oreo industry or simply feel inclined to take a romantic outing to the freezer aisle, count on Mr. Knew Men’s legacy. Pro tip: trips to the frozen food section work best if your date has never met you, as this adds an air of mystery. If you want to ensure that your little swedish fish remains curious about you, do not answer any questions. This includes “who are you?” and “why are you forcing me into your car?”
If you’re like Ted from How I Met Your Mother, you get fixated on potential spouses real quick and probably spend the duration of Old K parties eyeing the same person the whole time. Small talk can be hard, you don’t want to pull a Mosby and say the wrong thing too soon. Instead, follow the wisdom of Walk the Moon and go along with a plan that revolves only on body language. In a very public place like a shopping mall or grocery story or the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, play the song “Shut up and Dance.” This song is sure to attract Kenyon alums like a magnet. Seriously, they will flock to you, even from a mile away, because as we all know, Kenyon ears are especially attuned to popular Walk the Moon lyrics. (A little-known fact is that the lyrics of songs like “Shut Up and Dance” and “Anna Sun” play in our heads on constant replay, even while we’re sleeping. The Kenyon network extends far beyond career and relationship opportunities—it’s the real Matrix.) Once you’ve isolated your Kenyon person, follow the instructions of the song, flailing your limbs and making intense eye contact with your alum crush. If your potential spouse shows signs of speaking, yell at them to follow directions and SHUT UP. Besides, it’s really rude of them to talk over the music and TALKING IS HARD anyway. The best thing about this plan is that you will most likely attract multiple alums and you won’t have to force awkward conversation.
In today’s post-graduate world, finding a job can be tough, but finding a bae doesn’t have to be. Take advantage of Kenyon’s extensive alumni network and you’ll find someone for sure. You may not be able to get a job at or in the market, but who knows, maybe you’ll find someone on the market.
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