I think the most important part of any stressful situation is to acknowledge that whatever happens, you will come out a stronger person. You will have gained insight that will help you in the long run.
Our generation thinks we are invincible. We think that nothing bad will happen to us. When we see Teen Mom on TV, we laugh, knowing that “could never be us.” We consume huge amount of alcohol and do drugs because we have this preconceived notion that our friends will look out for us, and that we will be okay.
So when I was having sex and didn’t think to ask him to put a condom on, I thought it would be okay. I lay in my bed and think nothing bad will happen.
And for him, nothing bad did happen. And he’s not evil or malicious for not thinking to use protection. Sex is a two-way street, and at any point I could have asked him to stop, or asked him to go get a condom, but I didn’t. I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed to make the moment real—to acknowledge that even in circumstances like these were it was consensual and we were attracted to each other and everything was fine, there are still consequences to our actions.
There, right there, is one of the issues. The fact that I felt embarrassed to point out the very well known consequences of having unprotected is a problem. And I’m not the only one. I’ve known many of my friends to not say anything when they’re having sex, hoping the guy will just do the smart thing and put one on. Or they will, but mention that it killed the mood or felt weird. You know what kills the mood? Having to tell your one-night stand that you’re pregnant.
However, it wasn’t until halfway through the next day that I truly understood the consequences of my actions. Instead of doing my homework and resting up for the week ahead, I had to go into town to get Plan B. My friends and I were laughing at first, having fun experiencing not-on-campus life, but as soon as we got to Wal-Mart, we got serious. I remembered why I was there. I truly felt embarrassed and ashamed going up to the counter and asking for Plan B. And it didn’t stop.
The next day’s fun activity was going to the Health Center. Repeating over and over what exactly happened, going over the details that no one wants to talk about. When you hook up with someone, you want to remember how nice it is to be held, how attracted you are to the other person. You don’t want to be thinking about the logistics, wondering about the hypotheticals, taking tests to just double check that nothing bad happened.
If you aren’t aware, Plan B has aggressive side effects. So not only was I completely beating myself up about being so careless, I was also feeling all the side effects of Plan B. The pill works in numerous ways, depending on where you are in your cycle. Sometimes it prevents/delays ovulation, other times it interferes with fertilization of an egg by altering the uterine lining.
The next few days were rough. I would have hot flashes, felt sluggish, had horrible headaches and general crankiness. I didn’t feel in control, just like I hadn’t felt in control the night I had sex. And because I felt too tired to do work or be involved in social activities, I had a lot of time to think.
A lot of people have different ideas about sex. I always think that if it’s consensual and safe, it’s your body and you should do what feels good for you. Do makes you feel happy. And while I maintain that I do not blame this guy or find him at fault, this experience has seriously made me consider the dangers of casual sex, especially for myself. I realized that if these situations with people I don’t know too well are causing me to feel embarrassed to ask for something so simple as a way to prevent myself, a college student, from getting pregnant, then that’s a red flag.
And we can blame unprotected sex and its consequences on a number of things. The market, that sells condoms, is not open 24/7. The health center isn’t open on Mondays. We were at his place and I live across campus. We were drunk. We weren’t thinking. I trusted him. I could, and almost did, just blame the whole thing on being a woman. This wouldn’t be an issue if I were a man. I didn’t even bother telling him that I had to spend $50 dollars on Plan B and that I had to go to the health center for an STD check because I didn’t want to inconvenience him.
But at the end of the day, I had taken sex ed. I was a peer counselor at my high school and even taught sex ed. My mother and sister had given me “the talk” dozens of times, and scared me silly about STDs and being a teen mom. I promised that I would never be the one to have unsafe sex. That I would be smart, no matter what. And with my friends, I always insisted that I didn’t care how well I knew the guy or how much I liked him—if we were having sex, he was wearing a condom.
I said before that the most important part of experiencing hard situations is that you come out a better person. That’s not me saying that it’ll be fun or easy, but I genuinely think every experience helps shape you into being a stronger person. And this certainly made me take a step back and learn to see myself in a new light.
I love myself. I love my body, despite its imperfections. I love my life, despite its bumps in the road. I’m at a point right now where I’m not ready to do something drastic like have a child. And I like my body the way it is, STD-free. I want to treat my body right, because I deserve it. So if that means speaking up for myself, I will. If that means holding off on a hook-up, even if he’s cute and I like him, because I’m too drunk to act accordingly, then I will. If that means being called a prude or high-strung, I will deal. Because I’m worth it. Because I spent too much time beating myself up and scaring myself about the very real consequences of my actions to have this happen again.
I made a mistake and I learned from it. This does not mean that I am a slut. This does not mean that I do not respect myself. This does not mean that sex is horrible, or that I am horrible, or that he is horrible. All this means is that I am not invincible. My actions have consequences—I have learned that.
Image Credit: Mother Jones