Birthday: May 2, 1990
Hometown: Miami, Florida
What would you do for (your dream girl if she happened to be) a Klondike bar?
Eat her up.
Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted, one moment – would you capture it or just let it slip?
I would capture it, duh. Am I supposed to answer these in a witty way?
Who are your Super D role models?
Portia de Rossi. What am I supposed to say – Ellen DeGeneres? Who are the other Super D role models? Susan B. Anthony?
Sweet or savory?
A sensuous mix of both. No, just both. One of my favorite things is French toast with maple syrup and cream cheese and onion rings, like all of that in one bite. It’s amazing. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.
Does Will Smith’s “Miami” aptly describe your experience(s) while growing up?
Not quite, no. Am I supposed to expand on that?
Well, I’m not Cuban, and I never partied in the city while the heat was on, all night on the beach ‘til the break of dawn—until I turned 21.
In your hometown, what would the hottest, spiciest, and most tropical date night entail?
We would start the night off with overly-priced sushi on Miami Beach. Then grab some Sex on the Beaches at an overly-priced bar. Then stroll along the water with our shoes off while watching the full moon in the distance. And then make love with the waves crashing over, like that scene in Airplane!
What about if the girl were secretly a werewolf?
The kinkier the better.
And what’s the deal with airline food?
Top five celebrity hook-ups?
Drew Barrymore. Natalie Portman, duh. Scarlett Johansen. Lizzy Caplan, that’s my top one. What’s the girl who plays Blake Lively on Gossip Girl?
Um, her name is Blake Lively.
Oh, then Blake Lively.
Thoughts on tankinis?
Why so opinionated?
Because I don’t think that’s what a bathing suit should be. Two piece or one piece. Make up your mind. It’s all or nothing.
What would Freud do?
It’s all about castration anxiety or penis envy…and, of course, the Benjamins.
Sexiest statue on campus?
Oh, the effing fat woman outside the Gund Gallery. I wanna climb all over that b***h.
If you were to take one bookstore employee out for a date, who would it be?
Robin – she’s a real sweetheart, and she always calls me by my first name. And she’d be gentle and sensitive and caring. And she’d make a good wife.
Who are you winking at during Owl Creeks concerts?
Um, my mom. No, it’s more of a twitch – just something to make me more comfortable. It started that I winked at my friend, but then I couldn’t stop winking. So, it’s basically a twitch.
Do you have enough game to make 1,000 Ways to Die a pre-hook-up viewing experience?
Actually, that show is oddly sexual. So, for sure. We’d start watching the show, and then, she (Ms. Lively – see Top 5 list) would get scared and then we’d have an existential talk about death wherein I’d display my extensive knowledge of existentialist philosophers even though I don’t know any. And then we’d make love.
Do you think name-dropping existential philosophers would be integral to scoring with Ms. Lively?
No, actually, I’m not sure why I said that.
What songs put you in the mood…the mood to poop?
It’s not really a matter of mood; it’s a matter of necessity. I don’t really have time to put on a song during an awful case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It’s okay to talk about sometimes. But if you want to ask me about my favorite in the mood songs for sex, I can tell you that.
Uh, I guess.
Oh, thank you. Okay, Lauryn Hill and the Fugees–“Ready or Not” or pretty much anything off The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. And Ratatat is surprisingly sexy. Specifically, that song "Cherry."
How much money would I have to pay you to propose to your wife by beatboxing?
I don’t believe in marriage, but for the sake of answering the question, I’d never do it. Although, if it meant financial stability for the rest of my life, I’d take one for the team and hope she’d say yes.
MFK – Lois, The Evil Monkey in Chris’s Room, Consuela.
Oh, damn. This is really hard. F the monkey, marry Lois, and kill Consuela.
Really, F the Monkey?
No, I just felt the compulsion to say that. F the monkey rolls off the tongue. Logically speaking, though, I should marry Consuela ‘cause she’d keep the house clean and I’d brush up on my Spanish. And then I’d F Lois, obvi.
Why won’t you hang out with me right now?
I’m having a hard time answering this…I just don’t like you.