*Name changed for privacy
This past June, I received a text from one of my best friends, Sophie*, saying, “Hey can we talk?” Sophie and I go to different colleges, and during the last couple of months of school, we had drifted apart slightly. I had chalked it up the busyness that comes with the end of a semester and the fact that she was going through some personal issues (after being her best friend for almost three years I knew that she is the kind of person who, when dealing with something, takes more time for herself, which is totally fine). I didn’t expect that there was anything “wrong” with our friendship until I got on the phone with her later that day. While I can’t remember the exact words that were said, she talked about how we had become different people in college (which is to be expected) and part of how we had changed was that we both had gotten more involved in our different political affiliations. For our entire friendship, Sophie and I have had polar opposite political opinions. In the most basic terms, Sophie is liberal and I am conservative; neither of us would consider ourselves moderate. We disagree on how best to approach the majority of political and social issues. I strongly believe that it was our differences that made our friendship so strong and incredibly valuable––I never saw them as a hindrance.
Though for Sophie, our differences had become something that she couldn’t overlook: “I just feel that because we aren’t at the same school anymore and are pursuing different things than the common interests we shared in high school, that all we have left is our differences.” Her words hit me like a semi-truck and I didn’t know what to say. Sophie informed me that she was going to unfollow me on Instagram because she “just couldn’t handle seeing me post about politics” (which isn’t something I do very much and 99% of the time it is about my pro-life beliefs because, for me, that issue goes beyond politics). While trying to control my tears, I tried to explain that I saw her for more than just her politics and it was hurtful that she was placing my politics over our bond as friends, the experiences we had shared, and the ways that I had always treated her with love, understanding and how I had supported her. Her reply was, “I just think we should maybe not talk for a little while but I still want to be your friend.” The last statement of that sentence felt devoid of meaning––how are you being friends with someone when you are cutting off all communication? We haven’t talked since that June conversation and I don’t know when or if we will––and if we were to talk again, I don’t think it could be the same.
While I still deeply care for Sophie and would not ignore her if she should decide at some point in the future to reach out to me, the experience taught me that it is okay that friendships change and in some cases end, even if the reasons why and the manner in which they ended are not okay. You can’t force people to be in your life and you shouldn’t have to. As someone who is a people-pleaser and has a Type 2 personality (Enneagram anyone?), this was incredibly difficult for me to accept and realize. Friendship does not, and should not, find its foundation in having just the right amount of shared interests and beliefs. A person is more than their beliefs and friendship is about supporting and growing together as individuals. You don’t need to agree with someone to support them. In addition, science shows that having friends who have different beliefs then you help you to more strongly develop your own beliefs, and they enrich your life experience and overall worldview. My friendship with Sophie helped me to think critically about what I believed and made me a more compassionate and empathetic person. It is important that we don’t pigeon-hole the people we interact with into a singular category. Friendships only work if we acknowledge the other person as a whole and complex individual.
Unfortunately, my situation with Sophie is not an unusual one. It’s no secret that our country is incredibly politically polarized and a lot of the time party lines are walls between people. In my personal experience, I have gone to schools and been involved in other communities in which I have found myself to be in the minority of political opinion in those places. The majority of my friends don’t share the same political views as me, and losing my friendship with Sophie wasn’t just deeply hurtful, but also troubling. Divisive politics on the governmental level are never going to get better if we can’t figure out on the individual level how to have relationships with people who have different beliefs than us.
