It’s cuffing season, fam. That means people are in search of baes. The hunt is on. You can see everyone, hunger in their eyes, peering for their next potential mate in Peirce. The sexual tension is real in your Micro Theory class. Jamie, your ex, is looking super hot right now, especially when it’s getting cold and you’ll need someone to cuddle soon. Have no fear—we can help you get back with your ex in these easy steps. (This is a follow-up to our article, How to Get Back in Touch with Your Ex).
Step One.
The first step is obvious: rekindle the flames, but literally. Write your name in fire in the bathroom mirror right by their room (but make sure the fire is organic and non GMO!). Tag them in candle memes on Facebook. They will be drawn to the flames of your love and instantly run into your arms. Also, because candles are so forbidden here, it’ll make it seem like your love is *~forbidden~* as well, which will draw your ex back to you.
Make Peirce Your New Residence
Live permanently in/near Peirce, so you can monitor when they eat and then go into the servery at the exact time they always do so that they may catch a glimpse of you. You may need a tent/camping gear so that you can live on Peirce lawn and be as close as possible to them, but Walmart sells tents fairly cheaply. When they notice how wonderful and committed you are (spending 30 degree nights in a tent screams commitment), they’ll definitely want to get back on the dating scene with you (and make s’mores….all night *wink*).
Seduce them with Jazz Hands
Stage a musical number that will trick them into loving you again. This may be difficult because you’re going to need an elephant, a machine that launches glitter into the air, thirteen backup dancers dressed in all black latex, and a crew to stage and light your performance. Outside their dorm one day, stage a performance in which you ride in on the elephant and dance along with your scantily clad dancing crew to remind your ex-bae how creative you are. Launch the glitter ONLY at the end of your performance. Make sure the glitter is red or green, two colors said to be aphrodisiacs. Bae will fall into your arms and just WEEP for you, begging for you to take them back. Trust me, I’ve seen it in movie musicals from 2003.
Copying is the Highest Form of Flattery
This solution may seem a little creepy, but why not give it a try? Follow your ex around a party. When all your friends leave, constantly make eye contact with the person you’re looking to get back with. They go to the drinking fountain with a friend? You go to the drinking fountain with a friend. They’re dancing with their friend/boyfriend/housemate? Just sit there, on the floor, with your arms crossed and pouting until they notice you. When they do, they’ll notice how you’ve been anticipating their movements and checking in on them the entire night, and subconsciously be reminded of all the intimate nights you ate cheetos together. This’ll cause them to feel lonely and also nostalgic, prompting them to send you a “Let’s get back together” letter by pigeon the next day.
Shower Them With Gifts
Fifth option = gift-giving. Bribe your ex with goodies so that they will get back with you. Shower your sweetie with gifts—but, like, literally shower them with the gifts. While they’re in the shower, sneak into their bathroom and toss gifts over the shower curtain. Toss stuffed animals and chocolate at them when you see them in the hallway on your way to class. Maybe toss them a pizza if need be. This will require you to have a special chocolate pocket and unlimited Domino’s funds, but, like, I’ve had that for years, so you should get on it, too.
Make Shit Up
The sixth option is the last but most important: DON’T EVER be yourself. Superficiality is how I was almost on American Idol, and how my cousin can win a beauty pageant but not know that Colorado is a state. Coincidently, neither of those facts are true—but they’re funny, and even though they’re total lies, they made me look interesting. Do the same. Make up shit about everything. Become a totally different person. This will convince your ex that you’ve changed, and spark interest again which will cause them to race back to your dorm, present you with flowers, and beg for your hand in dating.
We hope these steps help you find your ex- mate before cuffing season ends. But, then again, cuffing season NEVER ends…*ominous music in the background.* All right, for serious, good luck getting bae back.