My English professor once told me that we have essentially self-selected our mates by coming to Kenyon because so many people end up marrying fellow Kenyon grads. The clock is ticking—I need to find my person soon! I’ve been going out so much, mingling, dancing, spilling beverages everywhere, and I still haven’t met anyone! However, I’ve found some techniques that would definitely be successful if the right person came along.
Disclaimer: who needs a significant other in college? I don’t. I’m all focused on the future. So I might meet someone here who seems totally unappealing to me now, but whom I know would make stellar marriage material! These are the kind of people I’m looking for at all-campus parties.
Be a Ganter goblin.
Get there as soon as the party starts and stay through cleanup (if you haven’t found your person by then, I mean). The trick to being a successful Ganter goblin is roaming around a lot. You can’t be in one portion of the Ganter for too long or the people who hang out in that area will figure it out and start asking questions like, “Hey, haven’t you been here a while?” and “How many beers have you had?” and “Do you even go here?” There are so many places to hide so that you can stay for the maximum amount of time: the dark makeout corner, behind the window curtains, under couch cushions, under the piles of coats, between couches, on the top of the coat rock, in the bathroom, in the very center of the mosh pit… The possibilities are endless. You’re most likely to find your future spouse also hiding in the same place you are to avoid real human contact for a while, or outside smoking a cigarette in a really distinctive and invasive way.
Fall off a DJ stage into someone’s arms.
I have definitely fallen off the stage before, and my knees became very aware very quickly that no one caught me. I was fine, I’m an independent woman with cream to put on my bruises, but I’m also totally prepared to declare true love to the random guy who catches me when I fall from things. You really just need someone who’s there when you need them, right?
Bother a bartender or a door worker.
Get them to leave their shift early. Maybe even work your way behind the counter and get some extra cups of beer (or, hopefully on a more *formal* occasion, some rosé). If they’re a door worker, steal their Sharpie! Then you’ll get into the classic chase, just like the good old days on the playground.
Patrol Middle Path between 1 and 2 am.
On a night with an all-campus happening on one end of campus, you’ll get plenty of people braving the night on their way home. You’ll see the ones committed to dancing the night away, the ones whose friends left them to go bone, and the ones on their way to meet their S.O. who’s already in for the night. Capitalize on the loners. They’re probably listening to music or staring up the stars trying to enjoy the beauty of the natural night because they have no one’s mouth to rub up against. Strike up a conversation, or just stay hidden in your tree and make detailed notes of their appearance and stride for future reference.
Stand by the pizza making analytical comments about the songs that are playing.
Few will hear you and few will care, but that one right person will definitely remember how annoying you were, and in ten years they’ll really appreciate you for your intellectual insults of “Closer” by the Chainsmokers!
Like I said, you might not find the person who’s going to provide all those spontaneous, crazy, young dating experiences at an all-campus. But you’re likely to find that person who will say “I do,” who makes you feel ready to take out a mortgage, and whom you can easily criticize for tiny things like the way they chew their toast every morning!
Image Credit: Feature, 1, 2, 3
