Have you ever contemplated looking back at the Halloween episodes of Disney Channel shows of yore? Well, now you don’t have to. Seriously, stop, because I did it for you. I looked at a trifecta of Disney wonderment (Lizzie McGuire, Even Stevens, and That’s So Raven) and added Sabrina, the Teenage Witch for seasonal (and alumni) purposes. As an ode to the ’90s Halloween feature that scared me the most, I’m rating the scariness of each episode on the following scale: 1 Bette Midler to 5 Bette Midlers from Hocus Pocus. That film, for instance, would have the scare rating of 5 (thousand) Bette Midlers. BOO. Without further ado, I present A Guide to Your Favorite Tweenage Halloween Specials.
1. Even Stevens — “A Very Scary Story” (2001)
Synopsis: At school, Louis spends Halloween trying to get a fake eyeball prank off the ground, while Ren spearheads an ethically questionable eye exam initiative.
Costume Ideas: This, and only this.
Tweenage Quote: “If something like that went down on our permanent record, it would follow us for the rest of our lives.” – Zombie Tom and Tawny.
Best moments: Shia La Beouf with lady hands, Donny Stevens not understanding the properties of sunlight, any time Louis runs in his penguin jockey costume.
Scary Scale: 2.5 Bette Midlers
The empty eye sockets of the rule–following zombies are pants–wetting. Principal Wexler and Coach Tugnut do make silly minions, though, which lessens the blinding terror.
2. Lizzie McGuire, “Night of the Day of the Dead” (2001)
Synopsis: Lizzie, Miranda, and Gordo try to get Miranda’s Day of the Dead display a spot in the school Fright Night, but Kate, who is in charge of planning the party, rules with a selfish (and a little bit racist) iron fist. Meanwhile, things get steamy for Mr. and Mrs. McGuire back at the house.
Costume Ideas: Cat in the hat, “Vampire Mistress”, creepy clown, Day of the Dead wedding couple, inside out you, windswept reporter.
Tweenage Quote: “Why would I help you? So you can let [Kate Sanders] manipulate you and every other kid in this school who hopes and prays for their fifteen minutes of popularity?” – David “Gordo” Gordon
Kate Sanders is the culturally insensitive Regina George of Lizzie’s universe. Is her hair so big because it’s full of secrets, or because she doesn’t repeat the lather and rinse cycle?
Best Moments: Gordo’s moment of sexual awakening, which he announces with the phrase “Holy Ravioli.”
Scary Scale: 1.25 Bette Midlers.
Matt’s inside out costume with loose eye sockets is horrifyingly disgusting, but Lizzie’s zombie game could use a little work. Honestly, it looks like she’s doing Pilates. No self–respecting Walking Dead extra would be seen with such stiff upper body posture!
3. That’s So Raven, “Don’t Have a Cow” (2003)
Synopsis: Raven and Chelsea find a spell book and use it to get invited to Alana’s hip and happening Halloween party. However, Chelsea’s repentance for accidentally eating a burger causes the potion to go awry. Cory decides he wants to trick-or-treat parent-free for the first time.
Costume Ideas: Actual cow, sorcerer, buff wrestler, remote control, green ladies
Tweenage Quote: “We want to be the most popular girls at the party … and we want all eyes to be on us.” – Raven Baxter
Best Moments: Raven echoing my food habits, very convincing moo sounds, William’s remote control costume. Honestly, the whole premise in general.
Scary Scale: 0.25 Bette Midlers.
While accidentally eating something you did not intend to packs a punch (pebbles in the black bean stew at Peirce, anyone?), becoming an actual cow seems less something to fear and more possibly something to aspire to. They have four stomachs, people.
4. Sabrina, the Teenage Witch – “Episode LXXXI: The Phantom Menace” (1999)
Synopsis: Sabrina decides that Halloween is for babies and lame–os, so she takes a job at a coffee shop for Halloween night. Her aunts are tired of never being scared on Halloween, so they bring Edgar Allan Poe back from the dead for dinner.
Costume Ideas: Sewer zombie, Edgar Allen Poe, low budget Lion/Pirate, really whiny and slightly offensive teenage witch
Tweenage Quote: “If you run away from Halloween, Halloween will find you … and it won’t be happy.” – Salem the Cat, AKA Kenyon College Graduate, Nick Bakay
While this quote definitely illustrates the times I felt I was too cool to go out trick-or-treating and then on November 1st felt extreme Halloween regret, it also seems applicable to college Halloween. The Old Kenyon party is definitely optional, but ignoring Halloween will only make you feel like a not-very-festive Debbie Downer.
Best Moments: “ Bro. Come on, why are we still standing here? We should be out there burning poop.” – Brad, Harvey’s friend.
Scary Scale: 1 Bette Midler.
The zombies who take over the coffee shop are less scary than they are inconvenient and rude. The real fear here can be found in Sabrina’s wide-eyed enthusiasm for pretentious college boys and surprisingly offensive lines.