Fans are dying to know all the details about Kylie Jenner’s baby. To help quench the rumor-thirsty public, I traveled to the future to spend a day with her. Here’s what happened:
Kylie Jenner greeted me with a bright smile when I knocked on the door of her LA mansion one humid Tuesday morning. She was dressed in a Chanel onesie, paired over leggings that she informed me were “legit made out of mink fur. But, like, they didn’t kill any minks, they just shave them, and like it’s super comfy. Bible.” A camera crew followed her everywhere during our interview, but she seemed not to notice. When I inquired about the whereabouts of her baby she said, “Oh right,” then yelled “MERIENDA!” explaining to me, “That’s the nanny. She is, like, super sweet.”
Within seconds, Merienda (who later informed me that her name was actually Melinda) arrived at the door holding a little baby girl swaddled in a Givenchy scarf.
“Thanks, Merienda,” said Kylie, taking the baby. “Let’s talk inside.” She gestured for me to follow her into her house.
Once we had entered the Kylie mansion (which looked remarkably like an oversized lip kit) and sat down on two chairs that she assured me were “genuine chair” she set her baby down on the floor. “So anyway, where were we?” she asked.
“Well, if it’s alright with you, I’d love to ask a couple questions about your baby. What’s her name?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah. Her name is Dew-East Jenner. Kim was, like, a little pissed, but now it’s all good. And I think Khloe might name her baby South-by-south-east Kardashian. But don’t say anything to anyone, we are going to leak that information strategically.”
I assured her I wouldn’t publish it until Kris Jenner gave me permission. (She contacted me last night by a carrier pigeon wearing custom made Yeezys).
When I asked Kylie what life was like with a baby, she laughed saying, “It’s, like, not so different. Merienda takes care of all the gross parts, and Dew-East is, like, so calm when I hold her. Like, she just knows that I’m her mom.” Kylie also mentioned how much she liked to style Dew-East, “I’m literally designing a whole line of hair extensions just for her. Also,” she whispered, “she totally needs them. Her hair is so thin and short.”
I explained that this was probably because Dew-East was only a few months old, but she seemed not to hear adding, “I’ve also scheduled her for lip injections later this week. She needs the beauty boost. I mean she doesn’t even have teeth, so like, she needs to have something going for her.”After our brief chat Dew-East started to cry a little bit. Kylie called for Merienda and then proceeded to tell me about her post baby diet. “Basically, all I eat is free-range escargot. But, like, in different flavors.” A couple minutes later, a chef brought out some samples, and I got a taste of what it was like to be post-baby Kylie Jenner. She’s certainly not roughing it.