Hello, first-years. In case you don’t know who we are, we’ll introduce ourselves now: we’re three girls who know EXACTLY what is up with relationships. We were first-years once, too. So, in honor of your first year at Kenyon, we’re offering you, the class of 2020, some advice we wish we had known when we first got to Kenyon.
1. Date a ghost. Seriously. They’re always available because they’ve got nothing else to do except annoy residents. This may be one of their less enjoyable qualities, but the ghosts here are very interesting because they have tons of crazy stories (like how the Caples and Old K ghosts have rap battles and drink chocolate milk together). Ghosts will also be able to sit in on your classes when you’re sick, stalk that DKE you’re super into, and steal food for you in Peirce! They also won’t need to dress up for a Halloween couples costume! For the record, I hear Old K Ghost #23 is totally available.
2. If you really want to bond with your sweetie, engage in an evening of bat watching, because, let’s face it, birds are boring. When there’s that romantic aspect of potentially getting rabies, it’ll bring you and your honey closer. Bonus: when getting freaky (read:intimate) with your partner, you can also engage in bat cries to set that sexaaay mood.
3. On that note, it’s totally OK to serenade your sweetheart in the halls walking to and from classes. Seriously. Sing a duet. Choreograph that stuff. Dress up in matching mermaid costumes. Become a mermaid. Fill the halls with water and swim through them. Your professors and fellow students will love it, especially during finals week.
4. Feel free to stop everyone at parties and tell them you’re dating someone. That person in your Quest class who doesn’t care about how you’ve been going steady with your bae the past few months? Give them all the deets. Switch off the music and announce to everyone in the Delt lodge that you’re dating Taylor. Do this with a megaphone. People will definitely prefer your loud declaration of love over Fetty Wap’s new song.
5. Bad pick-up lines or relationship puns totally work. The more gross and terrible, the better! You’ll gain the respect of 1,000 baes if you act like a douche. Think about Donald Trump—that guy’s the worst! He says crazy shit all day but tons of people are supporting him! Take after the Trump model.
6. If you lock bae in your room and force them to watch re-runs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, they will love you for it. Trust me. Your bond will really grow stronger.
We hope all these tips help you through your first semester at Kenyon! Also, if anyone single would ever like to go bat watching with me, I’m down. And I’ve also gotten my rabies shot.
Image credits: Giphy.com