This week, a Total Frat Move article from 2013 reemerged on Kenyon’s campus. The article, titled “50 Ways to be the Perfect College Girlfriend,” lists requirements for women to adhere to in college relationships.
I wanted to interview some real college boyfriends and girlfriends to get their opinions. I interviewed Sophia* and Noah*––a couple––together in Sophia’s dorm. I started interviewing Lulu* by herself, but then we were joined by Ava*, who is in a long distance relationship. I interviewed Mason* while his girlfriend was present. Then, I talked to Caden* alone in his dorm. Finally, I spoke with Lulu’s boyfriend, Elijah*, without her present.
Some of the issues brought up on the list are much more important to the big, fraternity-based state school culture that Total Frat Move caters to. Noah, Lulu and Caden are involved in either a frat or a sorority at Kenyon, but the rest are not.
*Names have been changed to respect privacy
TFM Requirement #1: Be younger than us.
Noah: Younger or older, both have separate appeals to most guys…so does dating someone the same age. There is a stigma. People say “oh you’re dating a younger girl” or “oh you’re dating an older girl,” but, also, you can just date someone your own age. Who cares?
TFM Requirement #2: Enjoy whiskey.
Noah: No, I don’t care. I don’t like whiskey.
Sophia: I love Fireball. I don’t think that matters.
TFM Requirement #3: Be able to shotgun a beer at a reasonable pace.
Noah: Well, there is something sexy about drinking alcohol, but not shotgunning a beer.
Caden: Yes. Yes, that’s necessary.
TFM Requirement #4: Handle your alcohol.
Mason: I can’t handle my alcohol, so who would I be to say that?
TFM Requirement #5: Don’t be an emotional drunk.
Mason: Plenty of guys are emotional drunks.
TFM Requirement #6: There’s nothing less sexy than insecurity. Except maybe love handles.
Noah: I mean, that’s just horrible. No. This sounds cheesy, but being open about insecurities are an important part of a relationship. If it like dominates your relationship, that’s not good, but it’s good to be honest with each other.
TFM Requirement #7: Make us work for it. But only a little bit.
Mason: I’m not about that kind of “hard to get” thing. If you both have the same intention, then that’s that. No need to dance around it.
Caden: Yep. Yeah. With guys, it makes you feel so accomplished. You make us feel better, thank you.
TFM Requirement #8: Be nice to our pledges…just not TOO nice.
Mason: As someone who rushed, it’s nice to be with the prettiest girl in the room, but pledges have enough love. But, you can be nice to them. And, if you’re someone else’s girlfriend, you probably wouldn’t be hitting on someone else. Kind of a given.
TFM Requirement #9 Hook our friends up with your friends.
Mason: It’s not a demand. Like, introduce my friends to your friends, but you don’t have to get them to try and hook up. Everyone can become a big group and get to know each other. But, it shouldn’t be like “because I have sex with you, my friends have sex with your friends.”
TFM Requirement #10: Understand the rules of football.
Sophia: I’m trying to learn. For him, it’s baseball.
Noah: Yes, it is actually seriously important to me that someone makes an effort to understand why I love baseball.
Mason: At Kenyon, that barely matters. You [the girlfriend] understands football better than me. I watch the Super Bowl. I’m not a big sports guy. It’d be nice if someone understood soccer because that’s something I like, but it is just a shared interest thing.
Caden: Yeah. Yeah. That’s definitely a must. Not a plus; it’s a must.
TFM Requirement #11: Don’t be clingy.
Elijah: There shouldn’t be these set parameters. Clingy is a tough word. I’m in the honeymoon stage currently, but I like being with Lulu a lot! Call it clingy if you will. Then I would be clingy.
TFM Requirement #12: Be someone we’d want to hang out with sober.
Elijah: Ideally if you’re dating someone, you like hanging out with them sober.
TFM Requirement #13: Don’t have annoying friends.
Noah: If you have particularly annoying friends, I just won’t hang out with them.
Mason: I don’t like annoying friends. It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker, but just an annoyance. Like “yeah, I want to hang out with you, but I hate all your friends.”
TFM Requirement #14: You don’t have to like beer, but at least tolerate it.
Mason: That’s just so dumb. It’s just a specific kind of alcohol. There isn’t anything special about it. Like, does she like vodka? Does she not drink? It would be nice to have someone to go out and have a drink with, but a specific kind of alcohol? Doesn’t matter to me.
TFM Requirement #15: Have an attractive mother. Trust me, it’s important.
Noah: No! No! I don’t understand that one.
Sophia: It’s because you might grow up to look like your mom. It’s that sort of thing, which isn’t true.
TFM Requirement #16: Don’t rush the initial “girlfriend” talk.
Mason: Well, I introduced that in our relationship. I kind of understand that because if you rush it, it puts pressure to define it as something it maybe shouldn’t be.
TFM Requirement #17: Have a fake ID.
Lulu: Why? If I want alcohol, I just ask someone who is 21, or who has a fake ID, or go to any party ever.
TFM Requirement #18: It should go without saying, but be in a sorority.
Mason: It probably matters a place that is not Kenyon because if I were a total frat bro, maybe I would like someone who could share that experience. I don’t care enough about Greek life to think that matters.
TFM Requirement #19: Bake us something from scratch.
Lulu: That is just sexist. I do not like that. I personally love baking, but if you ever told me to make you something, I would never bake you something. Or I would bake you something and then poop in it.
Caden: I mean, they don’t have to, but they should definitely be able to and willing because homemade goods are the best.
TFM Requirement #20: Don’t look like you just rolled out of bed in class.
Noah: I don’t mind like the sweatshirt look. But, if you didn’t brush your hair like a regular human being, like I do, it means you’re probably crazy. But, no, you don’t have to do your makeup and all that.
Lulu: But I did.
TFM Requirement #21: Help us study (read: sell us your or your friends’ adderall).
Lulu: A girlfriend is not a drug dealer. I mean, I guess they could be, but no.
TFM Requirement #22: Nurse us back to health on Sunday mornings.
Lulu: First of all, what if I need to be nursed back to health on Sunday morning? Who is going to nurse me back to health? I can’t do it for both of us. Second of all, be a responsible drinker.
TFM Requirement #23: Don’t go through our phones. We might not have anything to hide but we still fucking hate it.
Sophia: I think that’s just a trust thing in general. I think the way they said it is kind of aggressive, but you shouldn’t feel the need to go through someone’s phone.
TFM Requirement #24: If you choose to wear heels, don’t complain to us when they’re uncomfortable.
Lulu: Then don’t ever complain to me about wearing a necktie.
Caden: No! No, complain, complain. I don’t care.
TFM Requirement #25: We don’t need to know the specifics of your period. A simple warning will do.
Lulu: This will happen to me every month for the next 50 years of my life, so you’re going to hear about it.
Caden: If you wanna do that, it’s up to you. It’s my job to listen.
TFM Requirement #26: Keep your rabid insatiable love for Luke Bryan to yourself, and off of our iPhones.
Caden: I fucking love Luke Bryan.
Elijah: That’s just funny. Like, cool. I don’t even like Luke Bryan.
TFM Requirement #27: Never ask us to watch “Magic Mike” with you. It isn’t going to happen.
Caden: No! Do not. Actually, “liking Magic Mike” is a dealbreaker. “Don’t like Magic Mike” should be on this list.
Elijah: If Lulu wanted me to watch it with her, I don’t know how much attention I would pay, but I would watch it with her. I’m making her watch Fast and Furious. I don’t know if she’s going to pay attention, but I love them!
TFM Requirement #28: Eventually we’re going to ask you for a threesome. Either accept or divert our attention with a blowjob. No tantrum necessary.
Lulu: Fuck no! No! That’s just disrespectful. That’s a conversation you have to have together or not at all. You have to agree on it or don’t ask for it.
TFM Requirement #29: Before you do anything, ask yourself “Would a psychopath do this?”
Sophia: No, I’m going to do some things that are psychopathic. It’s going to happen.
Noah: If you have to ask yourself that every time you do something, you’re probably a psychopath.
TFM Requirement #30: Don’t make our brothers hate you.
Lulu: I don’t if that’s something I can control, again. If I do something and they hate it, is that my fault or their fault? Their fault.
Caden: Yep. Don’t make my brothers hate you.
TFM Requirement #31: Warn us if you’ve hooked up with one of our fraternity brothers.
Mason: It would depend on how you close you are. Like knowing if you hooked up with my best friend? That would be good to know.
TFM Requirement #32: Don’t expect us to take you on 8 dates a week.
Elijah: There shouldn’t be expectations. If you like the person enough, you should want to go on dates.
TFM Requirement #33: Make sure our dog likes you.
Mason: That’s totally not up to any of you. That’s completely on the dog.
TFM Requirement #34: Keep your downstairs tidy.
Mason: Shouldn’t apply things to someone else that you can’t apply to yourself.
Caden: Yes.
Elijah: No. It’s her body.
TFM Requirement #35: Remember that you’re our girlfriend, not our mother.
Ava: I’m still going to mom you.
Lulu: I’m a little bit of both. This list is like “be just like a mother” but then not.
TFM Requirement #36: If we stop texting you, assume we’re just asleep until we’ve given you reason to think otherwise.
Elijah: That’s presupposing that all women think about is men, which is not true at all.
TFM Requirement #37: Unless we bring her up, don’t talk about our ex-girlfriend.
Sophia: I feel like if something’s bothering me, I should be able to talk about it, but if either person is talking about it constantly, that’s a problem.
TFM Requirement #38: Don’t talk about your ex-boyfriend, unless it’s to tell us how much better we are.
Lulu: Why is okay for you to bring up your ex-girlfriend and not okay for me to bring up my ex-boyfriend?
Elijah: No. If there are relevant experiences or if she wants to talk about her ex-boyfriend, she has every right to do so.
TFM Requirement #39: If you ask us how many people we’ve had sex with, you can’t get mad at the answer. Ignorance is bliss.
Elijah: You don’t have the right to tell someone they can’t get mad at something.
TFM Requirement #40: Lie about how many people you’ve had sex with.
Lulu: I shouldn’t have to lie if you don’t have to lie.
TFM Requirement #41: Make sure our formal cooler doesn’t look like a five-year-old finger-painted it.
Ava: I’m not painting you a cooler. Also, it’s going to look like five-year-old painted it. I’m sorry, but I can’t art.
TFM Requirement #42: We hate condoms, and everyone hates abortions. You’re a grown up now, it’s time to get on the pill.
Sophia: So fucking condescending.
Noah: I don’t like to use condoms, but like, the pros outweigh the cons I say.
Caden: Once again, not necessary, but helpful.
Elijah: “You’re a grown up now?” Right, but we’re men, so we have no responsibility until we are 23. It’s a biological fact. The penis gives you an asterisk. “I am hereby exempt from responsibility until 23.”
TFM Requirement #43: Look good naked.
Elijah: Ideally, your girlfriend is attractive, yes. But attractiveness is so subjective. Do I find Lulu attractive? Yes. It’s tough. It shouldn’t be a requirement, but it helps if you find the person attractive.
TFM Requirement #44: Realize #43 applies to the entire relationship, not just the beginning.
Elijah: No. Once you’re in a relationship, you find the person attractive all the time. And you just find things you like about the person that make them attractive no matter what.
TFM Requirement #45: We will never be Channing Tatum. Deal with it.
Lulu: Channing Tatum has an uncomfortably thick neck.
Elijah: I would like to think Lulu would accept me for who I am and not try to change me. It presupposes that a woman would like to change her man.
TFM Requirement #46: Morning blowjobs.
Mason: Not personally.
Caden: Those are good.
TFM Requirement #47: Afternoon blowjobs.
Ava: If you return the favor, sure.
Lulu: Retweet.
TFM Requirement #48: Evening blowjobs.
Sophia: I feel like this shouldn’t be expected. I’m sure it’s fine. I’m sure it’s great. But not expected.
Caden: Those are good.
TFM Requirement #49: Did I mention blowjobs?
Elijah: I am a man; I enjoy blowjobs like the next. But they are by no means a requirement. If she did not want to, I would by no means force her to or pressure her to because it is her decision.
TFM Requirement #50: Be spontaneous. Refer to #46-49 for ideas.
Noah: Spontaneity as a general characteristic can be wonderful, but it doesn’t have to be sexual.
Lulu: When I think of spontaneity, I think of fun dates and Chinese food.
Final thoughts on the list:
Sophia: I’m definitely not the perfect college girlfriend. I think it’s a very misogynistic list and very one-sided. The way it is written is like “he can gain weight. He can do all this stuff” but it’s not like I’m asking a guy to go down on me constantly.
Noah: It makes a lot of assumptions that seem kind of unfair to women, but none of them should be expected, but a lot of them sound great. The desirability is based in truth.
Ava: Fuck this. Total Frat Move sucks. I’m already so disappointed in men.
Lulu: After reading all of these, I just really want to kick someone. I hope that guys don’t think this way and it’s just one dickhead who wrote this article. My boyfriend is too cute and too sweet to think this way, and if he does, I would be so sad.
Mason: I thought it was satire at first, but it’s not. Personally, it’s not a culture I interact with much, going to Kenyon, so it seems pretty foreign to me, honestly. That’s probably what makes it more appalling to me. Some things are quite insensitive and terrible, but some of them are good relationship things, just presented in a one-sided way.
Caden: A lot of stuff, minus a few really bad ones, most things are things guys would think are a good thing. No one would deny that that’s what they would want, but none of them are deal breakers.
Elijah: I think a lot of them are inherently sexist and I don’t think a lot of men understand what makes them sexist. I think a lot of men assume these things are natural because it is what we are fed by the media and taught growing up. I think men get a lot of wrong assumptions from a combination of the media and friends. There are a lot of negative things in movies and in TV and in media. We are fed a lot of bad things and it impacts our personal lives.
In general, my beliefs tend to align closest with what Elijah, Mason, and Lulu had to say. There are a lot “unspoken rules” for women in relationships that men don’t feel the need to adhere to. Women are definitely held to a higher standard than men, especially in relationships. Obviously, most/all of this applies primarily to heterosexual relationships, but it speaks to a profound problem in our culture, like Elijah mentions, about what men are taught to expect from women.
Image Credit: Feature, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8