Moms– can’t live without ‘em. Literally, at this point in time we humans have not evolved a way to be alive without the awkward living-inside-another-human period. Besides being fetus vessels, according to the media and my limited heteronormative experiences (yes, watch me be politically correct), mothers function as meaningful, cushy yet supportive springboards. They also serve as human versions of The Care and Keeping of You (I am not hyperlinking to this American-Girl-published book, dear readers, I know you all owned it around age twelve) which help guide their daughters through the veritable hell of puberty and relationships.
While my own mother is a shining specimen of mom as described above with enough strength, humility and whimsy to pull off capri pants with little martinis on them, I find myself ‘collecting’ mother figures wherever I go. In high school, I clung to my college guidance counselor, going to her office to gossip about my other teachers and eat her childrens’ Halloween candy. Everytime I’m alone at the Columbus airport, some nice lady in the terminal will strike up conversation and offer me tips on how to make my connecting flight. My psych professor this semester, in true mom fashion, managed to berate me lightly for not going to the health center for my nasty sinuses. For nervous ninnies like myself, much like love, Moms actually are all around, which is why I’ve tried to gather my favorite mom figures for some sleepover fun times.
WHEN: Mother’s Day, duh.
WHERE: A Chico’s, Coldwater Creek, Land’s End or Talbots outlet or any store that sells these.
WHO’S INVITED:
Party Guest #1. Dame Maggie Smith
Whether she’s trying to understand the principles of the work week as the Dowager Countess in Downton Abbey, filling the stereotype of nuns-who-get-shit-done as Mother Superior in Sister Act, constantly expressing an intolerance for Whoopi Goldberg’s rowdy cackles she learned from Barbara Walters on The View, or gettin’ down and dirty on the dance floor with Ron Weasley’s inner lordly lion, Dame Maggie Smith’s is a force to be reckoned with. Her ability to exude warmth and love while allowing no fuckery and giving no fucks is unparalleled. Much like a scone with arsenic sprinkled throughout, she wraps her feisty gumption in an invincible, quintessentially English Keep-Calm-And-Carry-On posh demeanor that is strong enough to put hair back on Prince William’s head. Dame Maggie does nothing half-heartedly, and as my psuedo-mom, at our slumber party she would show me the recipe for how to be a lady (equal parts poise, venom, and loyalty) by balancing books on my head and comparing my posture to various zoo animals. Inside, we would be crying with laughter, but on the outside, we would both show the composure of Tommy Lee Jones at the Golden Globes. A lady never guffaws.
Other Moms with traditional values who will beat your ass but are secretly so much fun: Julie Andrews (but only in the Princess Diaries series or Mary Poppins- Maria von Trapp is most definitely in the next category of moms), Ethel Kennedy (of eleven kids with Bobby Kennedy fame), and Molly Weasley (it’s name sweaters or bust). All of these moms would be great at watching you perform something controversial, then, moved to tears of pride, they would stand and start a clap that then spreads through crowd like gonorrhea or a chimes glissando. I do a very good but pretty raw one-man recreation of David Bowie and Mick Jagger’s “Dancing in the Street” self-choreographed music video, so I am entirely prepared for our slumber party to take an inspirational turn should my performance require an accelerating clap from Maggie, Julie, Ethel or Molly.
Party Guest #2. Meryl Streep
She holds the record for most number of Academy Award nominations of any actor. She convincingly drains her personality of affection to become the fashion ice-queen Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada, yet can switch to embody the plump, bubbling yet towering and deeply determined and emotional Julia Child faster than someone can say “and the (insert current award) goes to Meryl Streep.” Clearly by my examples, I am a mere Meryl plebeian, yet not been exposed to critically-acclaimed Oscar bait like Sophie’s Choice, Out of Africa or The Iron Lady. However, because even Meryl’s bad movies are equal to, say, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s best efforts, it is the sweet, perfect Hollywood fluff Meryl I want at my sleepover. I like the idea that as my mom, Meryl would separate her work and play spheres. She would be talented and amazing enough to earn the requirement do a presentation at Kenyon like the other cool parents/alumni do, but her presentation would be filled with casual disposable camera shots of our family trip to Mykonos, and she would be nonplussed about her fame, managing to name drop Robert Redford humbly, without seeming like a dick. According to IMDB, Meryl “was a true child of the ’60s,” even attending the Beatles Shea Stadium concert in 1965 holding a sign that said “I Love Paul,” only to present Sir Paul with his Lifetime Grammy Achievement Award in 1990. At my slumber party, Meryl would help me weave daisy chains in my hair while we chatted like girlfriends about Alec Baldwin’s off and on sex appeal. We would listen to only Fleetwood Mac.
Other Moms who had a lot of fun in the 60s and just want to be your friend:
Mia Thermopolis’ artist mom (Caroline Goodall) in Princess Diaries (that darts balloon painting looks so fun), Patricia Clarkson in Easy A (a true experimenter), and Lorelai Gilmore (because no other mom fits the ‘love ya like a sis’ type mom role as well). All these moms would have the best mother-daughter bonding activities such as playing a Sound of Music drinking game (which may or may not have been suggested by my own mother) while tie-dyeing homemade menstrual pads.
Party Guest #3. Michelle Obama
While some part of me fears Michelle’s healthy-living eating and exercise lifestyle (does this mean no more pie for breakfast?!?!?), part of me also realizes it’s time to accept such a positive, active force in my life when I need spell check to spell “exercise” correctly. First off, she makes sweating fun, which is something I previously believed to be humanly impossible. She also sets a good example for what healthy living can look like. She looks so radiant I am starting to believe Barack is transferring his youth to her so she can run for president in 2016. The point is, Michelle is so brilliantly smart, organized, fashionable and motivated that I wouldn’t be surprised if she turns out to be our future president or simply a some kind of Never Land ex-pat who never ages. Underneath Michelle’s efficient exterior, is a so-called “softie” who lets the dog sleep on the couch and submits willingly her teenage daughters’ belief that she is the ‘most embarrassing person ever.’ In slumber party mode, Michelle would bring us snacks (as moms are apt to do), but cool vegetable trays with fancy plants and leaves and shit I’ve never heard of on it. She would then call up her friend Beyoncé, and lead us in an aerobic run through of Bey’s upbeat hits. Pilates mats will be provided.
Other hyper-productive MILFS
Wendy Malick as the voice of Chica, Pacha’s wife in the classic The Emperor’s New Groove (she deflects Yzma, a woman as old as she is crazy–and she is basically made of dust from when the pyramids were built– while pregnant), Julianne Moore (she definitely has access to some kind of ginger youth serum), and Elizabeth Banks (she manages to play both the wildly stupid and uptight with contagious zeal). These moms would be great at deflecting shallow douchebags–using their beauty to reel them in, and their wit to break their hearts, as well as makeover montages. Consider smart MILFS to be a young girl’s Prom starter kit.
**Special Note** High Priestesses of Comedy Amy Poehler and Tina Fey are not in one of these categories, because they are just too good. Ugh science hurry up and make it a thing for two women to have babies together so we can create the ultimate human and name it Tamy Feyler. You are getting beaten by lesbian lizards who have already figured it out. Lizards. P.S Hovercrafts. Just gonna let that idea float by.