This past week, I did something that terrified me.
This past week, I walked into the weightlifting area of the KAC by myself. I made eye contact with several male athletes who seemed to both be mocking me and also genuinely intrigued as to what I would possibly be doing in this normally uncharted area of the KAC.
I squared my shoulders, put my headphones in, grabbed two weights, and started doing exercises that I knew I could do. I went to the KAC to do my workout, and once I was in there, the idea of not lifting weights just because it was intimidating seemed silly. Yeah, I paused a lot to recorrect myself, and I took breaks because those things get heavy! And I have this really embarrassing habit of mouthing the words to the songs I’m listening to while I’m working out. However, by the time I was finished, no one was looking at me—in fact, as I was leaving I wondered if maybe the whole thing was in my head. And I felt good! I felt strong, healthy, and accomplished.
Inspired, the next day I walked into Peirce by myself.
I had promised myself, and my mom (mostly my mom), that I would get breakfast in the mornings. I brought my homework for a later class just in case, figuring that worst-case scenario I would hole myself up in a corner and do work while I ate breakfast.
I ended up recognizing a couple familiar faces, and actually really enjoyed myself. Later in the week, I challenged myself and walked into Peirce for lunch without making plans to meet with someone. And I continued to go to the KAC and walk straight over to the weight room, beginning to not care who was or wasn’t looking.
I found great independence in walking into the weight room by myself and having the confidence in myself to do exercises that were challenging in a room full of strangers who were a lot more competent than I was. When I told my friends that I had lifted, they were impressed. In fact, one of my friends offered to show me other lifting exercises. So we went to the KAC together, and she taught me how to do bench presses.
There were a lot of giggles, and we got some looks from athletes who clearly knew what they were doing. I spotted her, and watched her technique, taking notes. But when it came to my turn, I was nervous. I felt as though everyone was staring at me, and would judge me if I did something wrong or laugh if I was unable to do the exercise.
I think a lot of the time we worry about whether people are looking at us, what they may be thinking, and what their preconceived perceptions of us are.
Kenyon is such a small school, and often I find myself nervous about the lack of anonymity. Athletes know that you don’t play a sport, and if you make a fool of yourself lifting weights or trying one of the exercise machines, you will see the people around you outside of the KAC. And if you walk into Peirce alone, people will wonder why you aren’t with your friends, if you got into a fight, or if you’re having a bad day. But being independent is not a bad thing.
Sure, there are times when you’re going to make a fool of yourself, and maybe I looked stupid lifting weights when I’m clearly not as in shape as the other people with the weight room. And maybe I did look awkward sitting by myself at Peirce, but I’m finding it harder and harder to live a life controlled by how other people perceive me. I’m happier being on my own and doing things that I like rather than being surrounded by people who will judge me.
I guess in the end, what I’m trying to say is that college is short. This is a unique four-year experience where we aren’t quite children and aren’t quite adults in the real world. We have so many opportunities to try new things and be the people that we want to be. For me, I wanted to learn what it really felt like to be living on my own, and what it would be like to challenge myself and put myself out there. And to be honest, I liked the results.
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