So it’s almost ten o’clock on a Friday night. Your roommates are just about ready to head out and you’re still in bed finishing up Clueless on Netflix Instant Watch. You’ve got about 13 minutes to throw something on or else you’re S.O.L on making things happen with that cute guy from anth class. Maybe you already have a couple of drinks in you that are clouding your judgment and your ability to throw together a quick going-out ensemble. Don’t worry. Keep drinking. And follow this short and simple guide for an easy but still appealing outfit.
1. My favorite option: don’t set any expectations for the night. Wear what you wore to class that day. Want to really set a gold-star standard? Slap on a pair of leggings, slippers and a Hanes, extra-large, white V-neck. Requisite Next Step: your hands in the air like you just don’t care.
2. If the I Just Don’t Care option isn’t doing it for you, there’s always the classic super-tight, black skirt with practically any top. Feeling extra bloat-y? Pair it with a loose, flow-y shirt and boots or wedges and you’ll look super tall, thin and fashionable. Boom.
3. Over the past weekend, I made what I guess isn’t the most shocking discovery: the classic black skirt is also a certain bet to flash strangers. Avoid stairs, elevated surfaces, and general movement if you don’t want to show your goodies to the world. Want to avoid the impending peep show? Wear dark jeans, wedges, and a basic tank (in an eye-popping color like red). Accessories will make or break this. I always fall back on the staple gold hoops and layered necklaces.
4. No way in hell you’re wearing wedges out on Middle Path? In the words of Amanda Bynes in She’s the Man, “word g’mon.” Break out the tennis shoes. While generally only acceptable at rave-type situations, I have only one piece of advice for you: no one is looking at your feet in Old Kenyon. People will instead comment on that marked spring in your step and quick pace as you book it from New Apts. to the Cove. The alternative of course is to just go for the added height. While wedges may seem like a Kenyon faux-pas. The next morning, some will just scratch their heads in confusion as they wonder if you shrunk four inches overnight. Attributing tall, goddess-you to excessive alcohol consumption, they’ll move on with their lives until the next weekend when the same thing happens again. I’ve been living this cycle for three years. Never gets old.
5. If all else fails, wear all black. You’ll blend in with your surroundings and no one will notice you as you casually slip into parties you weren’t invited to and steal alcohol out of the fridge. In all honesty, though, pairing sheer, black tights with a looser black skirt or shift dress is a timeless, slimming look. Tie your hair back into a ponytail (great way to hide last night’s grease) and you’re ready to go.