Boys have always kind of scared me. Not in a Pretty Little Liars-season-finale-jump-scare kind of way. It’s more of a these-creatures-are-so-weird-and-confusing-and-yet-I’m-still-attracted-to-them-what-is-wrong-with-me kind of scary. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had guy friends and boyfriends and everything in between. I like guys. There are positive attributes to them for sure. There is just something about the male species that I find particularly terrifying, no matter how cute they look. After discussing these feelings with some of my friends and realizing I am not actually the only weird girl who thinks this, I compiled a list of some of the scary things about boys that some of us just can’t wrap our heads around.
1. When They Travel In Packs
Maybe it’s my cripplingly low self-esteem or serious lack of social skills, but there is something about a large group of guys that just freaks me out. What do they do in those groups anyway? Spray each other with Axe and smell each other’s armpits? Watch football and brag about the girls they banged last night? When I walk by alone do they all rate me on a number scale like they do in the movies? Why can’t you all just walk by yourselves like the rest of us?!
2. When They Act Differently Around Their Friends
It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute they’re walking with you to class, asking you about your day, maybe flirting a little bit, and the next moment they see a group of guys and BAM. It’s a total bro fest. Suddenly they are making “your mom” jokes and fist-bumping each other and drawing little penises on everything. It’s like a disease. Why can’t you be cute and sweet and pretend to care about my feelings all the time? And honestly, do you ever grow out of drawing penises on things?
3. The Bro Handshake
I never knew there were so many ways to pat a guy on the back and shake his hand until I saw two guys meet up and do the traditional bro handshake. It’s like some secret code that is ingrained into all boys at birth. I mean seriously, how do you all know what to do when you see each other? What if one bro goes in for a fist bump thing and the other goes in for a pat on the back? Does the world end? Have you broken bro code? Some questions, I fear, will never be answered.
4. Dick Pics
I think that everyone on planet Earth can agree that there is absolutely nothing attractive about penises. Nothing. So why in the name of all that is good and holy do guys think it’s a good idea to send me a picture theirs?! I didn’t ask for that!! I don’t want to see that! Who sits in bed and thinks “Hm, I really like this girl. Oh I know, I’ll send her a close up picture of my genitals! Then she’ll definitely like me!” NO. Just no. Unless I am pulling down your underwear, please assume I do not want to see it. There are some things that can never be unseen.
There are millions of other reasons why boys scare me, but I’ve found that once you go down that rabbit hole, there’s no coming back. The truth is, these behaviors are really just symptoms of larger issues relating to gender—such as unrealistic constructions of masculinity—and those issues are truly scary. Until the patriarchy is smashed and those issues go away, we will have to continue to be worried by these things.