We’re three women who have decided to create a weekly column about sarcastic dating advice. Our title comes from the three of us and our lengthiest relationships. Figure it out. We’re really great at relationship advice, BTW.*
*Disclaimer: this advice is purely satirical. Take it at your own risk.
Wow. You’re going on a date with someone you’re actually interested in. You’re super excited, and super nervous. You could wind up, I dunno, marrying this person! Or awkwardly passing by them and avoiding eye contact in Peirce for the next year. Either way, you need dating tips from the pros, so here we are. Don’t worry — we got this.
Tip #1
Pick an exotic place for a date. Old tire parks, roofs, or the parking lot beside Peirce are really odd venues that’ll surprise your date and make them think you’re super interesting.
Tip #2
Stalk them on Facebook instead of doing your homework. This is a totally healthy thing to do! Seriously, it’s not creepy at all — get on that Facebook page. Look up what they listen to, what they like, and all the members of their family! While you’re at it, why not find their Instagram and Twitter? Seriously, who needs to write an essay when you’ve got seven years of Facebook posts to look at? For extra points, ‘like’ their profile picture from 2012. That’s totally romantic.
Tip #3
Don’t look like you’re trying too hard. Don’t brush your teeth. Don’t put on makeup. Show up five hours late. Take a nap in the middle of the date. Mention how you’re casually engaged to Wolford Benedict Glastonburg IV and how you’re going to be very happy living in London with him.
Tip #4
Play hard to get. Act uninterested in everything they’re saying. Sigh a lot and mention how much cooler your life and experiences have been, and how there are practically beehives of other people swarming at you 24/7. Mention how Wolford is going to come visit you at Kenyon soon.
Tip #5
Bring a friend to your date, so you can constantly ask them for advice. Feel free to have extensive whispered conversations with your friend during your date. If you’re not sure how to respond to your date, just turn around and ask your friend how they think the date is going. Feedback is always good in situations like this. If you’re feeling super nervous, take three or four more friends! The more the merrier, right?
Monsters, INC. did it, and look how well that date turned out!
Tip #6
If all else fails, just remember that being yourself is the best thing to do. If your date ends up liking you, it’ll be for who you are, even if you show up to your date in a onesie.
(Which, for the record, we would totally support. Why aren’t onesies more socially acceptable? They’re like giant blankets for your body, and blankets are amazing).
See? Ed Sheeran is all for the onesie date.
All right, guys. Now you know how to nail this date. You’ve got this.
Image credits: Giphy.com