After a long wait, the American Theatre Wing finally named Kevin Spacey as the host of the 71st Tony Awards. Although Kevin Spacey is known to most of us as the scary guy from House of Cards or the weird dad from American Beauty, he actually won a Tony in 1991 as a featured actor in the play Lost in Yonkers and fits right in with a barbershop quartet. I love Kevin Spacey and cannot wait for him to be the Tony host.
However, he does seem like an odd pick. In the past few years, the Tony hosts have all been Broadway regulars like James Corden, Neil Patrick Harris, Alan Cumming and Kristin Chenoweth. Spacey doesn’t exactly fit in with that crowd. I don’t think most of us quite know what to expect from Frank Underwood performing a song-and-dance routine (regardless of the fact that he sang on House of Cards.)
Spacey had something pretty funny to say himself about landing the gig. Apparently, the Tonys have been scrambling to find someone to host this year’s ceremony and had to phone in “a 911 call” to Spacey. In response, Spacey remarks “I was their second choice for ‘The Usual Suspects,’ fourth choice for ‘American Beauty’ and 15th choice to host this year’s Tony Awards. I think my career is definitely going in the right direction.”
So, the question is: who are the other 14 Tony choices?
14. Tina Fey
Tina was actually really interested in hosting the awards this year, but she refused to do it with Amy and the Tonys didn’t feel like musical audiences were quite ready for the dynamic duo to hit the Broadway stage. Also, Tina’s been too busy writing love ballads for Titus Burgess on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and working on the Mean Girls musical. (The second part isn’t a joke.)
13. James Corden
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. As they were scrambling for hosts, the Tonys thought that maybe they could just copy-and-paste last year’s host on over. Corden was adorable last year as the host but is currently stuck in 6-month long Carpool Karaoke with Stevie Nicks, Steven Tyler, and Steve Bannon.
12. Hugh Jackman
Hugh Jackman is a host favorite over at the Tony Awards, but they just couldn’t nail him down this year. For one, no one under the age of 75 understood the weird jumping bit he did last time he hosted. And for another, he could sense the Tony’s trepidation when he requested to do a Logan-style awards ceremony, blood, claws and all.
11. That Stage Mom from Kansas Starlight Youth Theatre
Karen’s been calling for years trying to be the Tony host. She thinks it would be a really good way for her daughter, Angeline, to get some recognition. Even though Angeline is only 7, she’s already played Mrs. Lovett, Elle Woods, and Heather MacNamara. The Tonys were finally going to let her do it this year, but Angeline will be right in the middle of tech week for The Lion King Jr. (She’s playing Timon!)
10. Ryan Gosling
After the success of La La Land, the Tonys thought Ryan Gosling might be a great choice to bring more mainstream viewers in. However, Mr. Hearthrob-Kind-Eyes-Gosling is getting a little too big britches and is currently working on a one-man version of Singin’ in the Rain because his tap was just so good (and he didn’t look at his feel at all) in La La Land.
9. Russell Crowe
Russell Crowe was super gung-ho to host the awards this year, but when they got to the first production meeting, they told him he wouldn’t be allowed to do a 15-minute medley of all of Javert’s solos from Les Miserables, he stormed out.
8. Corinne from The Bachelor
Another ploy to appeal to non-musical goers, the Tony Awards requested Corinne to come grace the Tony stage. However, Corrinne realized she would need to do a big dance number to open the show and had to drop out because she doesn’t do well with organized dancing. She had Raquel break the bad news.
7. Beyoncé
She’s pregnant, Tony Awards. We still don’t understand why you even asked Queen Bee to do this. She has a family to take care. She dropped out of headlining Coachella; what made you think she would do this?
6. Lin-Manuel Miranda
Oh man, wouldn’t this be perfect? The year after Hamilton killed at the Tonys, Miranda returns to be the greatest Tony host of all time. Unfortunately, Lin-Manuel Miranda is too busy SELLING OUT to the MAN over at DISNEY with all his MONEY and his CHIMNEY SWEEPING. *cue the the cast of School of Rock singing “Stick it to the Man”*
5. Me
So funny thing: the Tonys actually called me. Apparently, they just started cold calling random numbers and hoped someone would agree to host the awards. I thought it was my friend Adam playing a prank on me so I hung up. Found out later it was real. #regrets
4. Daniel Day-Lewis
Daniel Day-Lewis was ready for the role of his career: Tony host. He was going to star in 13 Broadway musicals, play Elphaba in the Wicked movie (sorry, Nicole Scherzinger) and take professional dance lessons with the ghost of Bob Fosse. When the Tonys found out that was his plan and that it would take 5 years to complete, they rescinded their offer.
3. All of the Kids from Stranger Things
Ah man, I was so ready for the reprise of their rap from the Oscar intro this year. But, then the Tonys realized, according to Equity regulations, they would actually need 15 child actors to play all the roles and man, that got expensive really quickly. (Ever since Finn Wolfhard landed the Carmen Sandiego Netflix series, that kid’s agent has been a real money grubber.) The Tonys were also slightly concerned that Millie Bobby Brown actually has superpowers and would lift the presenters onto the stage with her mind.
2. Kit Harrington
I know we all wanted to see Jon Snow sing and dance, but apparently, he has some weird deal with HBO that everything Kit does has to be through HBO. The Tonys were all ready to move from CBS to HBO, but Kit made the final decision that the Tony audience wasn’t ready for a fully-nude rendition of “Don’t Rain on My Parade.”
1. Neil Patrick Harris
We miss you, Neil. We know you’re busy, but we’re waiting on your call. We’ll be here when you come back. Kisses.
Even though he might have been the 15th choice, I am still excited for Kevin Spacey to host the Tony Awards this year. Spacey not only can sing but is beyond funny and capable of some great impressions. (Can’t wait to see his impression of Ben Platt’s broken arm in Dear Evan Hansen.) We hope that you will all tune into the Tony Awards this year on Sunday, June 11th at 8 pm EST on CBS! Support musical theater (and arts in general.)
Image Credit: Feature, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, Mackenna Goodrich, 11, 12, 13