New year, new you, new relationship (maybe). 2017 is full of possibilities and promises you keep for the first three weeks, so why not try to make some relationship resolutions too?
1. Keep things spicy in the bedroom, using literal spices. Stock up on paprika. Need more thyme? Kroger has some. Spread them over your bae’s body and then lick it off of them. Your breath might smell rancid, but at least bae will be turned on.
2.Only date people whose names start with B or O, in honor of president Barack Obama, the 44th president of the United States, who was the one light of hope before this shit show that will be the Trump administration. Maybe engage in some prayer circles with these S.O.s, too, ‘cause this goddamn country is gonna need them.
3. Adopt a pet frog and raise it with bae. Y’all are gonna bond over those late night shrieks and peeps coming from that lil’ amphibian. Plus, slimy, jumpy animals are a great way to bond over your love. Maybe don’t kiss any frogs hoping they’ll turn into royals, but do create a froggy-like name for your new pet with bae, such as Chubbles, Squish-Squish, or Chub Glub (hey, those could also function as pet names for you and your sweetie!).
4. Don’t ever text first. That’s just for crazy people who want to seem desperate, obviously! Texting first just shows that you’re interested and want to talk to people. Literally the only purpose it serves is showing that you’re proactive in getting what you want! And that’s just crazy and unfair.
5. Cook meals together, but only things you’ve never eaten before, like chocolate-covered ants, for instance. Especially good options are weird combinations that will surely leave you both running for the bathroom. What better way to bond with a new SO than spending all night fighting over (or maybe even sharing?) the toilet.
6. Don’t date anyone until they tell you that they love you. I shouldn’t even have to say that, because we all know that those three words are the first step in creating a relationship. Some people might think that this means you have high expectations. Punch them. Remind them that relationships are like a chemical reaction and “I love you” is the necessary catalyst for that reaction.
7. Start every conversation on Tinder with a pun. If they don’t laugh, they are not worthy of your affection. Puns are the absolute height of humor and everyone knows this is true.
8. Pick your favorite sitcom character and, whenever faced with a challenge, follow their example. For instance, I often ask myself, “What would Ross do?” Sure, Ross Gellar had three divorces, but as he himself points out, he obviously did something right to get to that point! Sitcom characters’ decisions are a result of hard work on the part of their writers to depict realistic and intelligent decisions, so they serve as perfect role models in relationships.
9. Make a special Instagram account just to depict the rise and fall of a new relationship. Your friends will be super fascinated by all the different kinds of selfies you can take with your S.O. Besides, we all know that social media is the way of the future, and that a fun night out with your bae doesn’t even count if no one else knows it happened. Pics or it didn’t happen, right? If your new bae objects to this, saying it’s invasive or some crap like that, insist that this will help the relationship grow because you’ll always have something to do and talk about. Having an argument? Coordinate an aesthetically pleasing image of bae’s back turned to you in anger next to a baby blue wall with a crooked painting of flowers hanging on it.
10. Restrict yourselves to handholding until you’ve made it through at least one season of your favorite show on Netflix. By focusing on the Netflix and not the Chill, you’ll excite the mind and have a foundation for some really stimulating discussions with bae. Also, if they disagree about which guy Jane should end up with on Jane the Virgin, it is not meant to be and you should ditch this person immediately.
If you need some extra motivation to complete any of these resolutions, consider making a list and checking off every one, or live blogging about your New Year’s relationship resolutions. Good luck!
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