Disclaimer: I want to make it clear that I have amazing women friends and these stories I will tell are personal experiences and thus, do not apply to all women.
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a long time, but finding the proper words to articulate my thoughts, feelings and stories have been difficult. It’s never my intention to offend anyone. I simply want to share my story in hopes of discovering more about myself and maybe comfort others by knowing they aren’t alone. It’s a lot easier to write about something when I’ve already worked through and understand the reasons why I think and behave in a particular way, but in this case, I haven’t. So I ask for grace and to take the things I say with a grain of salt, as this, in a sense, is more of a journal entry.
Since I was little, it’s always been easier to be friends with guys. I’m not 100% sure where that comes from. I can make assumptions that it’s because my brother, who’s twelve years older than I, was the only sibling around or it’s a personality thing or it’s something else. In elementary school, I always knew I was different and that started out with being the only Asian kid. Parents don’t usually teach their children what racism is or the concept of adoption and of course, kindergarteners are brutally honest. As for me, I wasn’t bothered by it, but it did give me a sense of awareness that I was different. That was solidified even more when I started noticing that I wasn’t quite like the other girls around me. Sure, I played dress-up and had my baby dolls and Polly Pockets, but I think the thing that kept me apart from the other girls is the fact that I didn’t have an awareness of boys and what they were supposed to represent: having crushes on them. I was more of a tomboy so to have a crush at that young of an age never occurred to me. I think this was also in part that I was close with my brother throughout my early elementary years, and in my mind, having crushes was something for older kids. From preschool to fourth grade, I had mostly guy friends with the exception of two female friends, but things started to become different as we all started fifth grade.
Fifth grade was the beginning of middle school which, in turn, marks the beginning of adolescence. Of course, those are the days most want to forget, due to the awkwardness of growing up and navigating newfound emotions. Beforehand, most were okay with the fact that I had a lot of guy friends, but that changed in fifth grade as several girls and guys started to have feelings for one another. Suddenly, my friendship with my guy friends was threatened as I began facing jealousy from the other girls. Along with this occurring, social media was starting to take off with Instagram being a popular platform. This, in turn, created an opportunity for cyberbullying, something that was new to all of us. I distinctly remember having one girl publicly say things on Instagram and then text me privately about staying away from my guy friend that she liked. This was something I hadn’t experienced before and it was a difficult time in my life as I grappled with girls not liking me for something that had always been normal for me.
Along with this time in my life, my only female friend, who was my best friend, was changing too. Popularity began to emerge and my friend desired to be with the popular girls which meant that she couldn’t associate herself with me. That was the most difficult time I faced in my childhood years. It was the first time when my insecurities started surfacing and I didn’t understand why this was happening. Ironically, these moments only led to having more guy friends as they could relate to the absurdity of the drama and didn’t tear me down for the things I couldn’t control.
It was the beginning of sixth-grade when enough was enough. In the end, I transferred to another school in hopes of getting a fresh start. It was a private Mennonite Christian school that was closer to my house. However, this became a challenge due to the significantly smaller class size which made the dynamics different compared to my previous school. It was especially a culture shock as it was a Christian-based school and thus, had much more conservative views and rules than a typical public school would. The class I was in didn’t experience much drama until high school, but the norm was still girls have girl friends and guys have guy friends, it was strictly separated like that and it was difficult to fit into that normalcy. In the class’s eyes, I was the boy-crazy girl who seemed to try too hard to be friends with them, when in reality, I had come to this new school with fresh wounds of insecurity that made it difficult to open up to the women around me. This became solidified in seventh grade when a girl in the class started having a crush on my guy friend and it felt like the cycle of jealousy and being in the wrong started all over again.
By my eighth grade year, I ended up in this really amazing friend group that included both guys and girls and I was able to open up more and eventually felt comfortable with my women friends. It was a feeling of safety that I hadn’t felt in a long time and for once, I felt seen and equal to everyone else around me. This friend group was everything to me and the people within it, but unfortunately, as time continued on, we grew up. There wasn’t a distinct event that broke up the group, but we started going our separate ways and we were old enough to start dating and got caught up with other people. Another element that played a role in this split had to do with religious beliefs. The friend group I was in was considered the most religious kids and when I started dating a guy who was more “secular,” I got side looks from them.
I eventually found out that my best female friend of seven years was talking behind my back telling the friend group that my religious faith was fading and that my boyfriend was distracting me from God. She even criticized my faith and claimed that it had to look exactly like hers in order to be a true Christian. This hurt a lot, and it hurt even more than some of my female friends agreed with her. It didn’t make it any easier that I was struggling with a variety of different aspects of my life including my faith and being betrayed like that made me want to rebel even more.
For the first semester of my freshman year of college, I attended Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia. It’s a private, conservative Christian university and although I didn’t agree with some of the views held there, I went willingly with the hopes of becoming the daughter and sister my family wanted me to be. I had two roommates and at first, we all got along; but as time went on, it became a “them versus me” mentality. This did not involve guys, rather, it had to do with me and what I wasn’t doing. I didn’t tell them about my past experiences with my women friends so when I wouldn’t open up to them about certain aspects of my life, they were offended and frustrated. To their credit, they did sit me down to allow me to communicate with them, but I wasn’t at a point with them that I was comfortable to do so because, in reality, I felt obligated and controlled by them.
It always had to be the three of us doing everything together, including homework. This mentality limited my ability to make friends and studying became difficult as I was the one who had to be helping them with homework. It was frustrating but I couldn’t seem to voice that without past hurts resurfacing. In the end, I selfishly bottled up those emotions to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore and we had a falling out. Even before this event, I knew I was going to transfer the next semester. It became increasingly evident that I didn’t support the university’s mission statement and views which affected all the rules and regulations within Liberty and I knew I couldn’t fit in the box anybody there wanted me to.
In all honestly, I don’t have a clear-cut point in this story. Of course, I’ve had a conflict with a couple of my guy friends, but for some reason, all of my closest female friends that I’ve cherished have abandoned me for things that I essentially had no control over. I do want to clarify that I take full responsibility for my actions because I know that there were moments where I lashed out and didn’t say the nicest things either and that just added fuel to the fire. I know I could’ve tried to repair the damage or do something to have a better experience. I don’t know what it was, I guess it has to do with the insecurities I struggle with and the past events I’ve gone through involving my female friends that made it difficult to fight for those friendships.
With growing up in a conservative community and household, I’ve spent my entire childhood and young adult life trying to fit into everyone’s box of who I should be. At my first school, I should’ve been cool and had more friends with women. At my new school, I should’ve been more religious and not question any of the things I’ve been taught, and from Liberty, I should’ve opened up more to my roommates and conformed to the beliefs of the university. But in the end, I couldn’t do it anymore. It was exhausting trying to be someone that I’m not and it led to a lot of self-destructive behaviors.
Now that I’m at Kent State University, I’ve finally found the freedom to be who I am. I get more choice in the people I want to invest in. I get to ask questions and be honest with myself and others. In fact, I even found my old elementary guy friends here and reconnecting with them has been the highlight of this semester so far. In general, I still have a lot of anxiety when I’m with a group of women. Moving schools and away from home doesn’t mean I’m moving away from those past hurts; sometimes it can even magnify those insecurities. I hope that one day I can be free from the aftermath of those experiences or at least use my story to help others, but for now, I’ll continue searching for myself and surround myself with people who bring out the best in me.
