I decided to go on a study abroad trip for spring break this year. When I filled out the paperwork this past fall, my boyfriend and I were broken up after a year-long relationship. I knew that he was also going on a trip to the same region of the world, but for a different class (this actually isn’t why I wanted to go on my own trip). I love to travel and, after my previous semester in Florence, I was feeling travel hungry.
Let me just give you some more backstory before I get into my spring break. The first time we broke up was after a week-long trip he went on in October. His reasoning was that he didn’t want to be in a relationship. He told me that none of this was my fault, and that he still loved me and had feelings for me, but just didn’t want a relationship. He said that he wasn’t interested in anyone else; he just couldn’t handle it right now.
I understood that. I was his first girlfriend, and he is only 20 years old. A few months later, right after New Year’s Eve, we got back together. I wasn’t expecting this, but I was pretty happy about it. School started back up and I was swamped with work, my leadership position, balancing two jobs and making time for him. Ironically, the reason he broke up with me the first time was because he needed space.
This semester, I was giving him plenty of space. I was going to an entirely different country.
Everything was fine leading up to the trip—even during my first week there. We were in a relationship, but we didn’t talk much because we were both busy. It wasn’t until I was on the trip that I had time to talk to him. I immediately knew something was off. I assumed he was being weird because of the trip. When you’re in Europe, it almost seems like you lose a little sense of your life back at home; it almost doesn’t seem real.
Our trips ended up overlapping for two days in the same city, and I tried to make plans to see him because my itinerary was pretty relaxed. Unfortunately, he was too busy doing homework for an online class that he couldn’t manage to finish before he left Kent. We finally ended up meeting, and I could tell that something was off. I even jokingly asked him if he was going to break up with me and he said, “No, I don’t want that.”
After that, he walked me back to the apartment that I was staying at and kissed me like it was our last kiss. I walked in the building emotionally hurting because it felt so intense.
The next day, we were both in the airport waiting to board our separate flights to the U.S. He wasn’t talking to me or saying much, and I just felt weird about it. I asked him what was wrong. He just gave me this look and I knew. All I could say was, “Seriously? Again?” Words weren’t forming for me, and all he managed to say was that he didn’t have the same feelings for me that I had for him. He didn’t want a relationship.
I was completely blindsided. After that he got up and got on his plane, probably feeling just fine while I was left to sit there for another hour and then travel for the next 12 hours sitting on this. It was horrible. I had anxiety the entire way home. It honestly didn’t feel like a breakup, but I knew that it was.
Looking back at all of this now, I realize that I never really allowed myself to grieve. I didn’t cry about it until we met up a week later to talk, and I was so frustrated that I cried. That sucks because, to me, crying is a sign of weakness, and he doesn’t deserve my tears. He said that he was upset too because he invested a lot into this relationship, so to me that sounded like I was an investment that he wasn’t willing to make any longer.
At that point I would have preferred a slap to the face because those words hurt more than knives would have.
The other day (fairly recently), he texted me asking how I was doing. I was appalled. He broke up with me, what difference did my feelings make now? I was talking to a good friend about the situation and she said something to me that really stuck. She said, “He doesn’t deserve to benefit from knowing someone he isn’t willing to take care of. Love isn’t selfish.”
I think that this is something we all need to hear. A lot of us are stuck on someone who seemingly doesn’t give a crap about us. But they don’t deserve our time or energy since they aren’t willing to do half of that for us.
Now that it’s been a few weeks, I feel at peace with the situation. I even laugh at the fact that he dumped me at an airport in one of my favorite countries. I didn’t let this ruin my trip. I had an amazing time and I am so glad that I went.
Now that I am single, I feel so free. I feel like I can do whatever I want with my life and not feel like I’m weighted down. I wanted to travel after I graduate, and I always felt like I might not have been able to because of him. But now I feel like the world is mine, and I can’t decide where to go first. I’m not saying that I don’t get lonely, or that writing this wasn’t really hard, or that I get upset that I can’t talk to him. I struggle a lot with all of that. I just know that for my own personal mental health, I shouldn’t talk to him. I don’t think many people realize that either—that they’re driving themselves insane trying to talk to someone who isn’t quite as interested as you are.