Sex is one of the most natural things we as humans know how to do. It’s fun, intimate and adventurous, at least it is for me.
See, sex is an act with wide range and holds a different meaning to everyone. Sex can be everything that goes past kissing or it could be intercourse. For some, it is just something you do but doesn’t hold much meaning. For others, sex is the most vulnerable and intimate connection they think there is to have with another person. Now these are two very different extremes, but nevertheless it is important to understand that sex is different for everyone.
I am twenty years old and am currently sexually active. I am a very open book with my friends and sex is a topic we talk about frequently. I am so lucky to have people around me that I would consider sex positive but it wasn’t always like that. I have been involved in conversations where sex was acknowledged but frowned upon or not openly talked about. For example, besides the typical most basic birds and the bees talk, my experience with learning about sex came from movies and sex ed in middle school. Both of those circumstances leave out so much information and/or advice that would be helpful to someone before they have sex.
Let’s talk about it.
Lack of Sex Education and Conversation
Sex education in school is very odd. It is almost like they dance around the topic.
They talk about how intercourse works, how a woman gets pregnant and then they tell an elaborate story while mixing various pudding flavors together to symbolize “what having sex with multiple people will do to you”. There is a lack of transparency and honesty. Not only does this not fully inform the youth about sex, but it doesn’t encourage conversation about it. It seems there is a perception by educators and parents that if we are taught about sex too much, everyone is just gonna run off and start doing it. It seems that the people responsible for teaching us these important topics think that if we don’t talk about sex, we won’t have sex.
Well news flash, teenagers have sex regardless of the amount of sex education they gain from school. However, with a transparent and open conversation, teenagers would have a better chance of having a safe and healthy sex life. There would be more acknowledgement of that although sex is pleasureful, it can also be messy and awkward. There would be an open-dialogue about how important consent is and it is okay to stop at any given time. There would be an understanding that an outfit someone is wearing is not an open invention for sex.
Sex education should educate. Sex education should involve the good, bad and awkward that comes with sex.
The Perception of Sex
It’s understandable that talking about sex can be taboo because it’s a rare circumstance that it is deemed “appropriate” or, in a women’s case, “lady like”.
Growing up I would hear my friend’s points of view of sex. In most cases, it stemmed from their household’s point of view. There was no room for a growing perspective due to the influence of guardians and sex education. Because of these factors, learning about sex can be difficult.
In the movies, sex scenes are common by demonstrating sex as glamorous. Rightful so, but it creates a false narrative that sex is just kissing, a jump scene to a sex position and then both partners are left satisfied.
All the nitty, gritty in-betweens are cut out. When that movie scene is one of the only things someone has to base sex on, I can only imagine the disappointment one can have when they finally have sex.
If you can’t talk about sex, should you be having it?
Regardless of how you personally view sex, it comes with a sense of maturity. You are sharing yourself with another person. The experience should fulfill what you want out of sex. Whether it is a release of tension, a new adventure or connecting with someone you love, you should feel confident and safe. It’s not unattainable to find someone that can make you feel that way or see sex the same perspective you do.
Bottom line, it is your body and your life of course. You can control what you deem is good for you.
There is a difference between wanting to talk about sex and actually being able to talk about sex. If you want to talk about sex with your partner, great! That is completely up to you and your partner. Talking about sex with each other can open up your sex life for opportunity and even a deeper connection with them.
On the other hand, someone who is uncomfortable with talking about sex, is not the best sign. If you can’t tell your partner what you like, when you are and aren’t in the mood, you might want to take a step back and ask yourself if you are comfortable in this situation. And if you aren’t? That is perfectly okay! There is no deadline for when it is time for you to have sex. You will know when you are ready!
How talking about sex has helped me
Personally, sex is an intimate and vulnerable thing. You are sharing your body with someone else. Along with that, I also see it as something fun to do or a way to release tension.
If I am considering having sex with someone, I ask questions such as what sex means to them and what kind of turn ons they have or if they have any particular interests. I bring up foreplay and my preference on using condoms. I basically give them my do’s and dont’s check list when it comes to having sex with me. For me, it builds trust and connection between my partner and I.
Starting a discussion about sex with your partners gives both of you an insight of how to please each other. It saves time, energy and an awkward bump in the road while you’re having sex. This conversation has led to wonderful orgasms and on the other hand, saved me from having sex with the wrong person. I have had this conversation with my friends, my sexual partners, and now with you.
We talked about it!
Sex is complicated.
Unfortunately, something so natural can be miscommunicated or even hidden. Sex should be comfortable, enjoyed and celebrated. Transparency and honesty about sex can help yourself and others.
Now, I’m not saying you need to go to brunch with your friends and spill the dirty details, although that is something I personally have done. That’s not the conversation I am recommending; however, if you are willing to expand your mind and open the doors to a deeper, more open-minded viewpoint, do not hesitate to talk about it with someone who you trust. It’s the 21st century babe. Raise your voice and concerns, and be confident about it.