Something no one told me when I entered the dating scene is that, apparently, heartbreak has an expiration date. You have to let the heartbreak carton sit in your fridge for a respectable amount of time before dumping it down the drain. Move on too soon and you’re a slut. Wait until the milk curdles, and you’re just pathetic.
I’ve been accused of “moving on too fast” ever since my first breakup at 16. I didn’t feel the need to wallow in a decision I made for myself, and I was unaware that it was controversial. Moving on quickly didn’t mean I didn’t care while I was in the relationship; it just meant I didn’t want to pretend I still did after it ended.
I’ve spent a lot of my time trying to understand what the “right” amount of time to wait is before letting go. The conclusion I finally came to: Who freaking cares? In such a fast-paced world, why are women the only ones expected to slow this part of our lives down? Yeah, I made it a feminist thing. Sue me. Honestly, I’ve found more torment in waiting for the “right time” to move on than I ever have from an actual breakup.
I think with the rise of social media, we’ve turned heartbreak into a kind of performance. I will be the first to admit I have spent an embarrassing amount of time planning out my “revenge photoshoots.” There’s a societal expectation to post the right things online and present your life in the perfect way, and with that comes the agenda for breakups.
Post vague quotes on your Instagram story for a couple of weeks, maybe add some sad music. After a little while, post pictures looking hot and unbothered. Have that whole “finding yourself” phase that lasts a week, maybe even dye your hair. It’s common, it’s tried and true, but if you skip a few steps and just start posting with someone new, people lose their minds (speaking from experience).
We talk about “closure” and “moving on” like they’re Girl Scout badges we have to earn. As women, we don’t get to decide when the right time is for ourselves; we have to wait until society believes we’ve suffered enough.
However, this sanctity of suffering is not applied equally. Almost a year and a half ago, I started dating my lovely boyfriend. We found each other a few months after I broke things off with a guy I’d been seeing. I didn’t have any scruples about moving on, mostly because the boy in question was already back with his ex-girlfriend (that’s a whole other story).
Even though he moved on just as fast as me, oh boy, did I hear it from him and his friends when I posted with a new guy. While unfair, this isn’t a unique story; we have seen it play out time and time again, especially online. You guessed it, I’m bringing up Taylor Swift. I’ll hold for gasps of disbelief.
My girl Taylor has been through the ringer online, and whether you love her or hate her, you have to agree she hasn’t always deserved it. Swift is a well-accomplished artist with an almost 300-song catalog and 14 Grammy awards to boot. She is also a rare find in the music industry as she almost exclusively writes her own music.
Despite her accomplishments, the internet still mostly sees Swift as “boy crazy.” With each new romantic conquest, Swift faces backlash for “moving too fast” and being a “serial dater.” In contrast, Leonardo DiCaprio has a reputation for dating many young, like, really young models and the tabloids don’t call him anything other than a “charming playboy.”
While trivial, celebrity gossip sets a precedent for how many people see the world of dating. As a society, we continue to perpetuate the idea that women should not date unless it is for marriage and should move into new relationships at a glacial pace. Meanwhile, we allow men to enjoy the benefit of the doubt.
So, I’ll continue pouring my heartbreaks down the drain before the preverbal sell-by date, and I encourage any woman reading this to do the same. You decide when you’re ready to move on, not the rest of the world.