Dear girl I used to be,
You saw the signs, and you heard the warnings. You knew things would only get worse from there on out, but you stuck around because you have the unique capability of giving unconditional love. Your love is pure and never gives up (don’t ever change that). The thing about that kind of love is some people take advantage of it. They see your willingness to look past their flaws and only focus on the good in them, so they show you their worst because they know they can use your loving nature against you. Your big heart is your greatest strength, but be weary of those who use it for their own personal gain- those who will abuse it.
Abuse- it sounds like such a dirty word. You think to yourself, “Well, he doesn’t hit me and even though he hurts me in other ways it’s not abuse. I’m not a victim.” Or you think, “Sometimes he gets physical, but he can’t control himself and he’s just angry. If I hadn’t said that and made him frustrated then he wouldn’t have done it.” You never thought that you would find yourself making excuses for someone else’s mistakes or apologizing when you did nothing wrong. You were in love and there is absolutely no shame in that. He was so charming in the beginning and things seemed so perfect. Sure he had flaws, but who doesn’t? He would call or text and you would talk for hours telling each other everything. This bond never changed, but things became more difficult. You two connect and there is no doubt that there is an extreme amount of love between you, but you became weary of your place in his heart. Sure, he goes out of his way to make you feel special and he tells you how beautiful you are- you feel like you’ve found your soulmate- but along with the bliss, there were awful fights and betrayals. For every time he tells you you’re beautiful, he also tells you he could find someone better looking. For every time he has made you feel on top of the world, he also made you feel like less than nothing- that you are just an option to him. He’ll say sorry and that he didn’t mean it, but the words are scorched into you mind. The longer you stay with him, the more insecure and weak you become. You have had to “move past” things more times than you can count. Sure, he has baggage and his life has been extremely difficult, but you can’t let his past traumas make you forget that you are worth more than this!
There were times you felt like you were at your wit’s end and tried to break things off, but you would cave and welcome him back with open arms. Or, you would try to leave and he would say “you’re just like everyone else” who’s left him behind. You didn’t want to abandon him. The love you had inside wouldn’t let you allow him to believe that he was alone in this world. So you went back to him, but things would escalate to a point you never foresaw. Things were volatile and rocky, but couples fight all the time; at least that’s what he would say. Pretty soon you started adopting that phrase as an excuse to justify the misery because when things were good, they were great! When things were bad, he would blame you for his behavior. “Well, if you wouldn’t have done that, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.” You would hear that one time too many. Every time, you would apologize; even if you didn’t do anything wrong, he would make you believe that you did. I’m telling you now that it wasn’t your fault. No matter what he says about you- to his friends, family or a stranger- he spins the story to make himself look like the victim by telling half-truths and amplifying your actions. No matter how many times he says he’s sorry and that he won’t do it again, he is lying.
A person you love and says they love you back would never purposely hurt you. They would never make you feel small so they could feel bigger and better than you. Look around at the shattered mirrors, broken doors and bruises. Look at how your heart is breaking and realize that this is wrong. That’s not what love looks like. There are only so many chances you can give someone before you have to say enough is enough and finally walk away. Be proud of yourself. No matter how much you don’t believe it, you are STRONG. You are deserving of so much more. You have come out on the other side alive unlike so many others. Now that you are here, do not drop anchor. I know that it hurts, but you’ve got to keep moving forward. You have so much to offer the world.
I know you don’t feel like you can move from this spot that you are stuck in, so here are a few things you need to do to get back on your own two feet. First, forgive yourself. You gave 110% in your relationship, so do not feel guilty about letting it go. Your friends and family witnessed you put in effort time and time again. They saw the tears and heard the pain in your voice. They witnessed your resolve to keep fighting for your relationship even in the worst of times. You did everything you could do to make things work- never forget that. Let that ease your mind when you feel that you should have or could have done more. Second, know there will be moments when you miss the way things used to be, but you can NEVER go back. Yes, he was your first love and you have years of history together, but love should not be as difficult as what you experienced. Love doesn’t hurt. No matter how much you love someone, it is not your job to fix them. Lastly, find yourself again. You gave up so much of yourself to make someone else happy, and it left you feeling like you had nothing left by the time things were over. You gave every part of yourself away selflessly and without hesitation because you thought it was the only way to prove your love. Where does that leave you? Now is the time to discover who you are without another person by your side. What do you want out of this life? You only get one life, and it would be a shame to waste it.
I want you to know you are enough. You are strong, talented, a hell of a shower singer, hilarious, bright, resourceful, compassionate, wise and a badass woman! Promise me that you will always share your big heart with others, and you will never let yourself become lost in someone else again. You have friends and family supporting you through this journey, and they love you unconditionally. (Even when you don’t want it!) There is so much more that you have yet to accomplish in life, so keep striving for greatness babe. You are more than this!
Love Always,
A better you
If you or anyone you know has been a victim of domestic/dating violence, do not hesitate to get help and get out. Visit the SRVSS office on campus for help from an advocate, and always call the police if you are in danger. For more information on domestic and dating violence, visit http://www.thehotline.org or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.