If I told you I'm hard to love

There are girls that make it easy, and girls that make it really hard. I’m the second type. I’ve got my reasons why, and if you prove to me you’re worth it you’ll realize why I am the way I am. I’ve been molded and shaped to be the way I am, chiseled and cut to be who I am. I’m not easy, in any way, shape or form. So if you’re interested, let me share a few things you should know before you get in too deep.  

I have had my fair share of heartbreaks, a few that devastated me and changed me. My heart has been broken and put back together a few times already, and I’m not interested in having someone shatter me again. I’m young and I’ve already felt and seen things that people spend a lifetime without. I’ve had someone make me feel like nothing, push me down constantly and the whole time they told me that was love. They made me believe that love meant struggle. Convinced me that it was supposed to be a rollercoaster; so don’t be surprised when I’m overly emotional or sometimes anxious.

I’ve had someone make me feel wrong and at fault for nearly every little thing I’ve done. Telling me that if I had done ‘this’ or ‘that’ differently they wouldn’t be upset, when in reality all I did was hold them accountable for treating me wrong in the first place. But I ended up apologizing. Always. So don’t be surprised when I say sorry all the time for things that, to you, are absolutely nothing. To him they were everything.

Other girls have caused issues before, and as confident as I am with myself at this point in my life, I will still worry. I’m jealous at times and I will question you, not because I actually think you would do it, but because I didn’t think he would and he did. Trust is hard for me, and it can be taken away in a blink of an eye.

I’ve heard enough mental abuse to last me a lifetime. I’ve allowed someone to manipulate my head and heart, and because of that I will never allow someone to be disrespectful or mean ever again. Having to ask if it's okay for me to go out with my friends or study with classmates, if I can wear a specific shirt because it shows a little more than he'd like, or if I can post this picture because I look a little too good in it was not okay. Having my heart race uncontrollably everytime I spoke my mind is not okay. And being treated like I'm nothing because he wanted to look cool is not okay. So if you have a temper that will make you want to hurt me or control me rather than fix things, then walk away now.

I won’t believe you in the beginning. I’ll doubt your feelings, and I’ll question if you really care because I’ve had people change their minds. I’ll lay my feelings out very fast because if you can’t handle them then I’ll know it’s not right. If I sense the slightest bit of doubt in you, I will run because I can’t handle someone who half-loves me.

What it really comes down to is I’m a big broken mess. I’m not perfect by any means, and there will be times where you have no idea if you can handle me. I’m a challenge, I require effort, and I will never allow someone to treat me less than I deserve ever again. But here’s the thing, I have so much to offer to you, besides all of this.

I’m strong and I’ll provide support and comfort when you can’t hold yourself up. I’m silly and love laughter, I’ll do everything I can to put a smile on your face. I’m smart, and I think about things on different levels, including you and I. I’m happy in my skin, I’ll be comfortable with you without makeup in pure form. I’m social and I’ll want to be friends with your friends and loved by your family. I communicate, I’ll tell you when I’m hurt or when I’m happy. I’m loving, if you prove to me that you are worth my time, then I will give you everything I have and I will do absolutely anything for you. I don't need you to fix me, in fact I don't need you at all, but what I do need is to know that if I let you in you're going to accept me. Flaws, scars, everything. 

So what it really comes down to is this, if I were to tell you that I’m hard to love, what would you do?