I have always been a determined, motivated student, with responsibility guilt and a procrastination problem. Contradicting right? Yeah I know, it’s annoying. However, I remember that I was, and in a way still am, motivated to do projects and assignments that piqued my interest, such as fashion or theater. On the other hand, science and math are like nails on a chalkboard to me.
Regardless, I know what I like and I know what I don’t. So when it came to signing up for classes, I had to take the basic core classes and I would determine which class actually matters to my education and which one I could skim by to just get the credit.
I started college at the early stages of the pandemic, and don’t worry this isn’t going to be chalked full of covid information that is going to make us all depressed, we have been through enough. But, when I started my first semester, I was taking 18 credit hours of gen eds, fashion and theater, I was a fresh mind ready to learn. I liked my classes, they were fun despite my stats class which was the death of my mental health and well-being. Then the next semester, I only took one fashion class and then the rest were chalked full of gen ed. I wanted to take it seriously but it was difficult. I had a teacher that made it so easy to just print off the notes and take an exam, and then I had the complete opposite where I was expected to be a scholarly art critic. It was insane. Granted, professors were still learning how to transfer the typical workload of their in-person classes to either zoom or 100% remote learning.
I did fine, I have a good GPA, I am done with my Gen Eds, but I just feel unsatisfied and here’s why.
I am in my second semester of my sophomore year. If we have learned one thing from covid coming into our society, it is that you do not need college to be successful and do the jobs that current employees have spent thousands and thousands of dollars on education to earn. Companies are slowly changing some of their policies to make way for these go-getting individuals, finally. Nowadays, a lot of people are viewing it as a guiding track or mini roadmap to their end goal. Not so much “I have to go to college or I am going to dumb and unsuccessful” mentality.
However, I enjoy college, or rather, the idea of getting a degree. I know how I work, and I don’t think that I could be consistent in independently educating myself on all the topics that I am learning in school right now. I like the experiences of hearing other people’s experiences, and I have learned a lot about myself throughout college. But, I can’t stop feeling like something is missing. I used to beat myself up because I didn’t feel motivated, I didn’t feel the excitement I once did, so I took a step back and asked why?
I like to keep in mind that recently I have been having quite a few personal life changes going on currently.
My first year was completely online, I had some zoom calls, but there were different time options or the lectures would be recorded, so there were often times that I would just go for attendance but then close my laptop and planned to do it later in the day. That worked at the time, there wasn’t anything else to do besides sit in your room on TikTok and then make your own school schedule. (At this time I was barely working as well). I had never been in college nor had ever done online school, so my study habits were so obsessive that I would burn out. Then things became looser, attendance isn’t mandatory as long as you caught up and did the work. I got used to the leniency because at this time I was just trying to make it through, getting the work in and a good grade.
Looking back, I was so overwhelmed and stressed that I ended up memorizing, not learning. I wanted to memorize the answer so I got a good grade on the exam, and that was repetitive for every class. It would be hours of highlighting everything in the textbook and finding various ways to write clean organized notes, and then on top of that, there was the continuous photoshop project or external research for a discussion board post. Which I didn’t find hard, but all the external factors weighed in so much it felt I could never breathe clean air.
Then people started to not make it their life, they started to refuse to put themselves through unnecessary stress when they weren’t getting any satisfaction out of it. It became clear that life isn’t all about studying, a grade on a test or your job. So naturally, the workload became lighter. I mean the semester after I took an adobe tech class, they cut more of the busywork, which made it easier for students to do better on the staple projects. (If I am being honest, I feel like the professors are over it just as much as we are).
I don’t want to come off ungrateful for my education, but it’s just an awkward feeling to not know what exactly is expected of you. We were and honestly, still, are unaware of what the future is for education systems, corporations/workforce life so how are we supposed to negate? Anyway, I unconsciously got into the habit of doing the busy work, taking the easy route to learn, to where I don’t know how much I am actually learning.
I kept telling myself once it goes back to in person, I’ll do better, I will be more motivated and fulfilled.
This semester I am completely in person, and yes, it is way better than online. I mean, I remember my first day this semester was a snow day, and I still had class via Zoom. When I tell you that I was over it, I was O V E R over it. However, I still struggle to feel motivated to go to class and pay attention. I just end up looking at the lecture notes later and retyping them. I don’t know. It’s a very conflicting feeling being passionate about the topics of your classes, but not feeling as if you are becoming more knowledgeable on these topics. When I am showing up to class, that’s what it feels like, showing up, doing what I am supposed to, but that doesn’t seem to fix the way I am feeling.
On the other side of that, I am paying attention to the fact that the ways professors are teaching and testing are a lot more freeing. We have all heard and experienced that studying, studying and studying for a test and then being seen as our test grade isn’t effective or shows a person’s capabilities. Going outside and experiencing these topics yourself is. So maybe, with COVID changing the way a lot of people perceive life, school/learning, work, etc, it has become a more blended experience. What I mean by that is that while they are giving us the information, and are encouraging more outside of school there is leniency so that when it comes to discussion posts or tests, searching for the answer is more effective than cramming for an exam. I mean in my experience it is, the pressure seems lifted. A search and apply method is more realistic for the real world ya know?
I feel like I have come from the old system of school that AP tests, ACT scores, hours of highlighting and studying were the only way to make it, to now, post zoom school, feeling like being assigned the bare minimum seems like so much, not like a challenge that I have zero motivation to complete it. I have talked to many of my peers only to find out that most of them feel the same way, little did they know how much that eased my mind. We finally adjusted to online school to only adjust right back to the system that we had two years ago. In the end, I am happy I am in school, and maybe it is just time for me to look into different options in regards to my education.