This is really just a stream of consciousness because I graduate in two weeks and have no idea what I’m doing or what I even want to do. It crept up so quickly, and now I’m just sitting here waiting for the universe or someone to give me a sign that points me in the right direction.
If you’re graduating this year or have graduated before, the one question that gets asked, without fail, time and time again is, “what are your plans now?” And I mean, come on, for a lot of people it’s just a forced smile and a “I don’t know yet.” Although if you do know, good for you – and I mean that genuinely (mostly).
When I was graduating high school, I knew that for the next four years, I would be in college; it was a little easier to decide because it was one category, schools, that I was choosing from to make the next step in my life. At the time that didn’t feel like an easier decision, but in hindsight, it was easier than where I’m at now. Now, I’m looking at the bottom of my coffee cup like Harry Potter in his divination class, hoping I get some kind of indicator about where life’s taking me. (Although I’m not looking for the answers he got, just to be clear). Even as I write this, I laugh to myself because there isn’t some kind of set out plan for me, and I know that. I don’t have a job lined up or an interview or anything. And it’s terrifying, just as much as it’s exciting. I’ve always been someone who has their life planned and now I’m just kinda caught up to where I wanted to be with no script for the rest of it.
A few months ago, when I was complaining to a friend about hating the question of what I’m doing after graduation, he told me that before he graduated he used to just make up different answers to appease people when they asked. Before I give some of those ideas to you in case you decide avoidance is the best answer (which sometimes I feel like it is), I do want to acknowledge that you also have no obligation to actually answer this question, it’s none of their business. But, for the lady that comments on getting a job quickly to make your parents proud or finding a way to support your future family (both real comments I’ve gotten) here are some ideas: Balloon artist, ticket salesperson for the traveling circus, underground boxer, mermaid in various aquariums around the country, world domination, Disney villain, raise cows in Scotland, pyrotechnics expert or, ma’am, I’m just going to go insane.
Other than the fact that these are all very valid and potentially real answers, I’ve done a lot of thinking to decide what the heck I’m doing come the day after graduation. So, with that being said – I’m going to spend the two weeks after graduation solo traveling. It wasn’t the most difficult decision to make, seeing as I love traveling and never seem to have enough of it, but it also feels like a really good time to do something alone that pushes me out of my comfort zone. I’m hoping I have some kind of crazy realization while I’m gone and come back much more sure of where I’m going, but honestly, even if I don’t, I’m excited to take a break that isn’t immediately followed by deadlines and the stress of the school variety.
Another thing I’ve had a really hard time with recently is everyone’s input and advice on finding a job. I’ve heard “it’ll work out” more times than I can count and also so many times that I’ve started blocking it out. I’ve been told that I’m going to fail hundreds of times, get rejection after rejection and have to just get used to it. Here’s the issue: I don’t do great with failure, I’ve always been harder on myself about things than even my parents are on me and it’s been really challenging in the last few weeks to keep getting shot down. I know logically that at the end of the day, I’ll figure things out and it’ll be fine but right now, from where I’m sitting, it’s so not fine and so not going to be okay. It’s hard to have everyone telling you to “be realistic” and expect failure and rejection when you are hardwired to want success and affirmation that you’re good at something. I’m trying to learn to let go and trust that the universe will take me where I’m meant to be and all that but I’ve had a lot of days recently where the weight of all the lives I could be living crushes me and makes me feel stuck. My therapist told me the other morning that I need to envision the life I want and then make it for myself. So I’m going to try and Pinterest mood board my way into that life, even if it feels like a losing battle, there are hundreds of thousands of people out in the world that feel the same way (including friends) and still make it and build their dream lives.
