What is Eldest Daughter Syndrome, and do I have it?
Stepping out of December’s typical frost and into the familial warmth of my childhood home; armed with luggage and laden with a scarf and gloves. The invisible butler trades my baggage of clothes and one indispensable strain of loose-leaf tea – the kind that supposedly provides emotional support.
“Can you take me food shopping? There’s no good food in the house”, greets my sister. Welcome home to the eldest daughter: the third parent.
I first read about Eldest Daughter Syndrome a couple of Novembers ago. Diana Valenzuela wrote of suppressed feelings and perfectionism. It all felt too familiar.
The basic concept of Eldest Daughter Syndrome is, within families, the first-born daughter is often the one to take on a parental role, not just to her younger siblings, but to her parents too. She feels a responsibility: whether that is to act as the therapist, mediator, nanny, or chef – to give just a few examples.
Naturally, I am inoffensive and avoidant of conflict, which are traits that I have been raised to perceive as ‘good’, and to be disobedient is ‘bad’. As any person does, I strive to be a good person and therefore, I internalised the moral weight attached to my behaviours. When I was mild and mannered, my actions were affirmed. I was a ‘good girl’, ‘so polite’, ‘such an angel’. And thus, my behaviours were reinforced.
My sister, (and I write this complimentarily) is not those things. She is fierce and outspoken. She is stubborn, yes, but beautifully so. When she would butt heads with my parents, truly bulls and matadors, I would step into the ring. I would de-escalate the situation. I would fix it. In turn, the third parent was born.
Healthline discusses the role of ‘parentificaton’ in Eldest Daughter Syndrome. When a parent is deeply overwhelmed, for whatever reason, parentification occurs: displacing some aspect of responsibility onto the eldest daughter.
I’d like to clarify, whilst this my experience – my parents are excellent people. This is no fault of theirs, nor of my sister. Maybe it’s generational, maybe it’s innate, maybe I’m just a Virgo.
Irregardless, constantly undertaking responsibilities that should not be assumed by a child or teenager so early on in life, has an impact. Maya Yasi suggests that, psychologically, Eldest Daughter Syndrome invites clinical disorders, having a significant effect on mental health. It could also impact inter-familial relationships: as you may hold resentment towards the sibling who doesn’t bear the burden that you have taken on. The other sibling who was able to grow up in their own time, rather than all too fast and all too soon. Similarly, one may develop resentment towards their parents who let this happen.
For me, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of my sister. She’s allowed to put herself first, speak up and speak out; she didn’t have to adopt a role that she wasn’t ready for. But, moving away from home has shown me that I’m allowed to take a step back. Eldest Daughter Syndrome is not a terminal diagnosis. You can heal. I can heal.
Taking a step back from the invisible butler, I hand back the new, unwanted baggage.
“Ask mum”, I say. The third parent is healing. She can be the older sister, the eldest daughter, and the first-born girl once again.