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How To Infiltrate Southern Society

Disclaimer: this is intended to be satirical, I love both London and the North so I am not intending to offend either side of the North/South divide.

 

Right. Northern girls. I know its tough for us to mix into this strange society down here without losing our roots but having attempted to befriend several locals and having lived here for nearly two years I have a few ideas for you about how to mingle without causing alarm, but also to keep your innate Northern-ness.

1) Put Londoners at ease when meeting them by scowling, they are often unnerved by smiling.

2) Drop in Londoner sounding phrases into conversation, ‘I’m so annoyed, Tarquin (all Southerners are named Tarquin) Waitrose didn’t have any of my favourite feta-fed locally sourced asparagus for my avocado smash today’, ‘bloody Tube’, ‘what is a field’, and ‘I do wish there was more building work going on, I just love the sound of drilling at 6 a.m.’.

3) Be careful not to make eye-contact on public transport, it is actually illegal to make conversation on the Jubilee, Central, and Victoria lines. The District and Circle lines have not explicitly forbidden it but you may be reprimanded if you stray beyond tutting, eyerolling, and polite niceties about the weather.

4) The Northern line however is far more friendly ;)

5) Attempt to fly under the radar by expressing vague support for the local football teams.

6) If found without much knowledge, simply screech ‘Wenger Out’ and your conversational partner will begin chanting loudly during which you can make your escape.

7) Do not ask to know what ‘Wenger Out’ means, no-one knows, I have ascertained however it is either some sort of mystical religious invocation of their gods or the beginning of mating rituals, it is literally impossible to know.

8) To avoid confusing your Londoner do not forget to imitate their accent, Dick Van Dyke in the Mary Poppins movie does an excellent one, use this for reference.

9) Londoners are physically incapable of walking slower that 20 mph around the City, remind them to slow down by walking very slowly in front of them, refusing to let them pass.

10) Any cursing you hear as a result of this is merely indication your Londoner is grateful.

11) Do not forget your roots however, you must remind your Londoner of your birthplace frequently in unrelated conversation, lest they forget you are different and special.

12) Appropriate a broad Yorkshire accent interspersing all sentences with ‘ey-up’, it is the only Northern accent Londoners can distinguish.

13) Engage all bartenders with stories of cheaper pints up North and refuse to pay more than £2.50, they will appreciate this, and have you removed from the premises as a sign of respect.

14) Marvel at the electric lights and central heating as, as you know, these things have not reached our dark Northern lands.

15) Remind your Southern friends you are impervious to cold by going naked during winter, they will be mightily impressed by your sturdiness and not at all irritated by your patronising tone.

16) Protest high house prices by refusing to enter any buildings, they can’t force us to pay huge rents if we are all never indoors.

17) Band together with other Northerners for safety.

18) Fall out with these Northern friends as you maintain you are the only true, superior Northerner based on your comparative closeness to the Scottish border.

19) Shop only in Greggs, any Southern foods may be rejected by your strong Northern digestive system.

20) Shun all tourist attractions as ‘southern nonsense’ and participate in only northern pastimes such as debating the North/South divide or going down t’ mine.

 

Using any of these techniques will ensure you will fit in down South, while not betraying your Northern roots. Now go infiltrate and collect your information for the Elders of the North so we can topple London, make Newcastle the new capital, and install Ant and Dec as our kings.

Good Luck! 

Hi, I am a second year English student at King's College London focusing mainly on Medieval Literature. I'm also a massive theatre fan, occassional singer, and constant annoyance to my long-suffering flatmate.
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