To love or not to love. The question all of us have asked ourselves at some point in our lives. It could be about another person, a food, a show; whatever it is, which choice should you pick?
To love or not to love has been a very prominent question in my life. I lost my mom at age 10 and after that, my willingness to love wholeheartedly with no holding back has significantly gone down. My Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has also taken a large toll on loving freely. I mainly find myself struggling with allowing myself to love someone romantically, rather than platonically.
Losing my mom at such a young age planted this seed in my head that I am now trying to grow in a different direction. Oddly, I do not struggle in the slightest with loving the people in my life that I am not romantically interested in. I have told myself for the past almost 10 years that giving love to someone I am romantically interested in is going to be the absolute worst thing I could possibly do. Again, my BPD is highly involved in this thought process.
Throughout the years of going back and forth with myself on whether or not I should let loose and finally allow myself to liberally love someone, I found the absolute love of my life. At this point in my decision of loving someone or not, I decided that I was not going to allow myself this opportunity. I found that every time I would even think about wanting to do what my heart longed for, it would turn into the worst disaster I could have imagined. These situations prompted me to solidify my decision and close off my heart.
The first night living in my dorm freshman year, my roommate and I needed something that she had forgotten. She asked me if I knew anyone on the floor, and I randomly thought of this one girl that I had briefly talked to over the summer. I texted her asking if we could borrow whatever my roommate needed and she immediately responded saying to come over. We walked across the hallway and I was super nervous when approaching her door. I knocked and she yelled “Come in!” so we went in. I remember thinking it was so funny that she just had her door unlocked and wasn’t afraid to yell for us to come in. Her room was so cute, and the second I saw her, every wall I had built up around my emotions and my heart began to crack. We talked for over an hour about college and anything else we were thinking about. The conversation flowed so effortlessly and I didn’t want to leave. It was getting pretty late and my roommate was tired of witnessing a love story begin, so we left.
The next day, we texted and planned to go out together that night. I told my roommate how nervous I was to hangout with this girl that I had the biggest crush on, but she reassured me that I was going to be just fine. I made my way back to the girl’s room and we sat with each other, laughing and talking. It felt like her and I picked up from an old conversation that we had just had. In reality, we hadn’t even known each other for 24 hours. The rest of the night was so much fun; we spent hours laughing, dancing, and getting to know each other. Then, our situation began to go downhill from there. I tried convincing myself that I wasn’t ready for anything, which made things that much worse. We had numerous talks, she cried, I wouldn’t allow myself to cry, and I put up the biggest front that this situation wasn’t bothering me.
We agreed to just be friends, to which I told her wasn’t going to be possible between us, but we tried our best. I was laying in my dorm room bed replaying her smile over and over in my head. I couldn’t shake the feelings she made me feel. I opened our text messages and decided I was going to send her a text. Instead of b*tching her out like I would usually do if I felt led on by someone, the message I found myself typing was much different than that. I decided to be vulnerable with her. I told her all of my emotions and how I want to be with her through every season and every emotion. What was happening? I never do this, let alone with someone I just met a few days prior. The connection I had with her was like nothing else I had ever experienced. Her beauty graced me and her love took over every part of the uncertainty I had about loving someone. I had never felt so sure, so loved, and so excited to start a journey of love with someone.
The days turned into months and we confessed our love for each other. I fell madly in love with the girl across the hallway. Getting to tell her how much I love her and how in love I am with her was the most liberating feeling I could ever describe. She helped me through some of the hardest, scariest times that freshman year brought me. She showed me that love didn’t have to be scary or something that I should ever hold myself back from. I have had the best experiences, feelings, and certainty with her. I have never questioned our love or thought I made the wrong decision when deciding to let myself love her wholeheartedly. Without her to guide me through this journey, I would have still been closed off and hating that part of me each and every day I allowed it to continue on.
I wouldn’t say I regret having walls around my vulnerability for as long as I did because I think it saved me from some hurt in my past. The negative feelings I have felt with romance are greatly enhanced by having BPD, and not being more closed off would have hurt me more in the long run. I am so grateful that the person I let every wall down for is Sierra. I would not have wanted it any other way. She heals parts of me that I never thought would heal. Vulnerability is the most beautiful, sacred thing and finding mine has been not only a journey of love with my girlfriend, but a journey of love with myself as well. I found that when there are beautiful flowers in front of me, I am looking at Sierra. When there’s a beautiful sunrise, I am looking at Sierra. The world could be going up into flames and I would still be looking at Sierra with so much more than just love. Nothing compares to her, and I never thought I would let myself feel that for another person without feeling any shame or anxiety.
Sierra is everything my heart has ever wished for, longed for, and truly loved with no limits. If you are stuck between not loving or loving, jump into love with the biggest smile on your face. If that person in your life is anything like Sierra, I promise you won’t regret your decision!