We have all had that one person in our lives who couldn’t communicate for the life of them. They are often passive aggressive and tend to jump to conclusions about other feelings. It could be a terrible roommate, a parent, a sibling, or friend. They are a headache to deal with — specifically due to their lack of communication.
Why is communication important?
Relationships
Communication is an important skill that can be developed, not just a trait someone is born with. It heals and deepens your relationships. Unfortunately, interpersonal communication is rarely taught in schools or by parents now. Social scripts have gone out of style, and younger individuals are floundering with a skill they were never taught. In reality, it is the most important skill to having a fulfilling life.
Good communication can also repair broken relationships due to initial miscommunication. Anger is a secondary emotion, meaning there is a cause to why someone might be angry. This could be anxiety, tiredness, hunger, fear, or hurt. Miscommunication and misinformation cause these emotions. If you are unclear about something, your tone is off, or your word choice is poor, then someone might think you are being rude or hateful. It might just make them spiral and get anxious about something that is not real.
Career
In your career, communication skills with your employers, coworkers, and possible employees is a necessary soft skill. A blog piece by Mary Sharp Emerson, Digital Content Producer at Harvard DCE, explains that communication is the most vital skill of a manager — so if you ever want to climb the ranks, you will need to communicate well. Being clear with expectations is the best way to create a productive and healthy work environment. Employers and bosses will be looking for people who are confident in their opinions and people who communicate them well. Saying you are a good communicator is a great answer to the “What is your greatest strength?” question.
How can you communicate well?
Honesty
Honesty is necessary for proper communication, and usually what is lacking when there are conflicts. It is hard to be very honest within relationships where there is little trust, but honesty builds that trust. All types of relationships, platonic, familial, or romantic, need honesty when communicating to be truly effective.
A lack of honesty leads to conflicts where one party doesn’t know anything is wrong or they have a misunderstanding of what the other party thinks. In simple words, your boyfriend doesn’t know that his comments are hurting you unless you tell him. It doesn’t matter if he should know it because everyone has a different life and thinks different things are hurtful. Being honest prevents resentment and unnecessary conflicts.
Now, you don’t need to go saying every mean thought that comes to your head. That is just being intentionally hurtful. You should bring things up in a clear, non-accusatory way to begin with. This can be with “I feel” or “I don’t like” statements. The way you communicate your honest truth should be in a way that informs the other person, not to hurt them. You don’t attack — you just tell the truth.
“People pleasing” behavior is when someone intentionally hides how they feel and their problems from the people around them because they believe that it will cause conflict. This behavior achieves the opposite by igniting more conflict due to dishonesty and leads to passive aggressive behavior. In reality, the people around you want to care for you and hear what you have to say. It’s likely that the problems that you are worried about are simple and can be solved very quickly. If you were in a lab, you wouldn’t hide that the beaker is boiling over, so don’t hide your feelings. They will eventually explode into a conflict that could have easily been handled weeks or months ago.
Clarity
In order to prevent the anxiety that miscommunication would cause, be as clear and honest as possible. Choose your words and tone carefully, because everyone thinks differently. A single word could cause someone to spiral with worries that are totally unnecessary. It can give someone a completely different view of you, your personality, morals, and opinions.
For example, if you want space to feel and process your emotions without outside influence, but you say “Leave me alone,” that isn’t clear. There are so many ways to interpret that statement, and now whoever you have said that to is confused, hurt, and anxious. This brews anger and misunderstanding that can boil over into a fight.
Confidence
Especially in your career, it’s crucial to be confident when you speak about things. You should do your research and be honest if you don’t know enough. Saying something like “I don’t know much about this topic yet, but I will learn,” is far better than lying or being meek in a generalized statement. Speak to your superiors in a confident and respectful way. Look them in the eyes and speak clearly.
In your personal relationships, confidence is a good thing as well. You should take some time alone or with someone you trust to talk about your feelings and figure out what is really going on. A journal or a therapist works best for this, but you can also talk to your family or a trusted friend. Let yourself feel your emotions and then figure out what is going on so you can confidently tell people what is wrong. Knowing yourself and what is wrong is key to having a good conversation. You could be accidentally dishonest if you don’t truly understand your feelings.
Nonverbal Cues
We communicate with more than our words. Our body language also plays a big part in how we communicate. Body language such as crossing your arms or turning your body away from who you are talking to is done to close yourself off from them, so they may take it as hostile. Your body language should be as open as your communication.
Eye contact is another way to signify confidence and connect with someone. You shouldn’t be staring into their soul the whole time, but maintaining eye contact for a significant amount of the conversation is how someone knows that you are engaged in talking with them. This is important for your career to show confidence and respect to superiors.
Tone
Your tone is how you say the words, not what the words are. It implies your true feelings about what you are saying, so if what you are saying doesn’t match your tone, then people will get confused. This can be interpreted as dishonesty or passive aggression which is never good in clear communication. You can accidentally be condescending or rude without noticing if you do not pay attention to your tone.
Cultural conflicts mainly happen with tone. A famous example is the phrase “Bless her heart.” In the south this is a grave insult, basically saying that she needs God to help her, because nothing else would be strong enough. Instead, people in the north say this to mean actual concern. The tone of saying these two is completely different. If you are not aware of how cultural context for tone affects this phrase, then you could be really insulting without meaning it.
Communication is vital to maintaining your relationships and career, so think before you say something. Ask yourself if you are communicating clearly, or if you are causing future conflicts for yourself and the people close to you.