The dictionary defines an ‘introvert’ as a typically reserved or quiet person who tends to be introspective and enjoys spending time alone, but I honestly believe that the characteristic of being an introvert can look different for every person. I’ve never really opened up about being an introvert because I have always associated it with being antisocial or shy, and those aren’t words I would use to describe myself. I doubt I’m the only person who feels stuck in-between introvert and extrovert. Only until I went to college did it make me hyper aware of how much of an introvert I can be and how it makes me stick out.
When I was little, I was extremely introverted. It got to the point that (and my mom can vouch for me on this) I would hide behind my mom’s legs at any social gathering and not talk to a single soul and if I did, it was forced. Eventually I had to be brave when I started elementary school and had no choice but to step out of my comfort zone to talk to people in order to make friends. Like most kids, I had my school friends who I loved playing tag with at recess and talking to about our favorite Disney Princesses (mine is Ariel, duh) but as soon as I got home, I’d feel a huge weight lifted off when I could finally have some quiet, alone time to read or watch TV. When I would get invited to playdates, I would always feel so conflicted because on one hand, I wanted to see my friends but on the other, it would mean I had to be around people for a long period of time. The hardest part was that I wanted to be social. I would see the “popular” kids with their big friend groups, all hanging out and laughing and I wanted in but I could never bring myself to be outgoing enough to catch people’s attention, it was always easier to just stay quiet.
Going to a college that’s known to be a “party school” means that the majority of people around are pretty extroverted. Something I’ve realized recently is that when I’m surrounded by extroverts, I find myself trying to mimic the same energy to fit in even though deep down, I know that’s not who I am. At the end of the day, doing this doesn’t benefit anyone because it gives people I meet a false sense of who I am and I have to keep up this pretend version of myself. I’ll be all outgoing and talkative when we first meet, attempting to force myself to make genuine connections with people, but when it comes to maintaining those connections, I struggle a lot. It’s not that I’m being fake or I don’t want to hangout, I’ve just gotten way too comfortable being alone that I choose staying in my room, over going out with new friends. Being an introvert has been part of my identity for the longest time that I don’t realize how much it’s affected me and the people around me.
The sad part is, I would love to have friends to go to parties with and coffee dates or even just hanging out but I have to push myself to make plans and not cancel. In turn, it makes me feel guilty that I have to push myself to make new friends despite the fact that I genuinely want to, when I’ve seen others form and maintain new friendships so easily. I’ve allowed myself to be okay with these habits for far too long that it’s just become the norm for me. This is definitely something I’ve been trying my best to work on because I know I’m capable of more than just friendly conversations in my classes or even organizations like Her Campus at JMU.
Writing this article has allowed me to call myself out while also holding myself accountable for these habits I’ve normalized. My main hope is that my journey reaches and resonates with the right audience so that anyone else struggling with the same thing knows they’re not alone and with the right motivation and spirit, you can be the version of yourself you want to be.