This article contains spoilers for Call Me By Your Name.
Is it better to speak or to die? This quote has haunted me for years. While this may seem dramatic, it’s true. The meaning behind it is so profound, and I genuinely find myself pondering this question frequently. To speak or to die. I got this quote tattooed on my body; a permanent reminder of one of life’s most delicate, yet complicated, questions, prompted from my favorite movie, Call Me By Your Name.
Call Me By Your Name, directed by Luca Guadagnino, starring TimothĂ©e Chalamet and Armie Hammer, is a beautiful, yet gutwrenching, film set in the 1980s in Lombardy, Italy, following the life of Elio Perlman. Elio soon meets Oliver, a young man spending the summer temporarily working as an intern for Elio’s father as he stays in their family’s home. After the two have spent enough time with each other, Elio soon realizes that he has fallen in love with Oliver. At one point during the film, Elio’s mother reads him a book, Marguerite de Navarre’s HeptamĂ©ron, and she quotes, “Is it better to speak or to die?” This quote is what pushes Elio to confess his love for Oliver.
They share a beautiful romance over the short period of time that Oliver remains in Italy, but it is unfortunately short-lived as Oliver soon has to go back to America. Elio has to grieve the loss of what his relationship could’ve been, as we see him sobbing to his mother about the situation. The audience truly feels the pain that Elio is going through; we experienced that love with him, and we also experienced that heartbreak with him. Months later, Oliver calls, and the audience experiences Elio’s excitement with him as he picks up the phone and shares a conversation with his former lover. Maybe it was better that I spoke, he thought. We thought.
“I have some news,” Oliver says, after a brief exchange of ‘I miss you‘s. “News?” Elio says. “Oh you’re getting married, I suppose.” It’s obvious that Elio’s intent with this statement is to be frivalous, making a ridiculous and outlandish joke, only to realize moments later that it’s true. Our excitement and hope is shattered with seven simple words: “I might be getting married next spring.” And just when we think it couldn’t get any worse, Oliver admits that he was in an off-and-on relationship for the entirety of his and Elio’s romance.
“Elio, Elio, Elio, Elio, Elio,” Elio repeats over and over again, almost as if it’s his way of pleading to Oliver, “Do you still remember everything? Did I speak for nothing?” Oliver tells Elio that he still remembers everything, but does this really mean anything when he has full intentions of getting married in the coming months?
After this phone call, we witness Elio experiencing the same emotions that he felt all over again when Oliver went back to America months prior. Grief, heartbreak, betrayal, confusion, doubt, loss.
To speak or to die. Is it better that Elio ‘spoke’ and revealed his true feelings to Oliver, where he was able to experience a wonderful, yet short-lived, romance that resulted in a gut-wrenching heartbreak? The powerful emotions that Elio felt throughout this entire experience: such strong love, possibly even infatuation, yet sorrow and pain so shortly after. Was the love worth the pain? Should Elio have kept his feelings to himself, never revealing how he felt to Oliver, to avoid the heartbreak that he knew was inevitable? Or should he have died never knowing how Oliver felt about him, and never getting to experience the beautiful love that they had? This is a question that I find myself frequently contemplating, because I don’t know what the right answer is.
What would Elio’s summer have been like had he not said anything? Elio had previously been seeing a young woman, Marzia, before confessing his feelings to Elio, and that relationship soon ended as Elio became more smitten with Oliver. Would Elio have gone on to date, and even possibly marry, Marzia if he chose to “die?” Would their relationship have lasted? There are so many questions that I find myself frequently fathoming due to this quote.
To speak or to die. This is a quote that I have inked on my body so I can remember it forever, because I frequently find myself using it in my everyday life, whether I realize it or not. Whether it’s in the form of asking a question you’ve always feared asking, or revealing something you’ve kept hidden for so long, we’re often confront with the choice of whether it’s better to speak or to die. Do we take the risk and face the unknown, or live with the uncertainty of what could’ve been?
Is it better to speak or to die? The art of fathoming life-altering decisions. Is it better to face rejection with a chance of happiness or is it better to live in regret for eternity?