Yep, you read that right. He chose her over me. And honestly? I’m kind of okay with it.
To give context, I was in the situationship of all situationships. A yearlong situationship that would drive anyone completely insane (and trust me, it did). And being honest with myself, I was in love with him. I really do hate to admit it, but that’s just what it was.
I was grabbing food on campus with my situationship when he mentioned another girl to me. “I could honestly see myself dating her. She’s the first girl I’ve felt that way about in a while,” he said to me. “But I doubt anything will happen and I still want you in my life.” After a combination of crying hysterically in my car paired with copious amounts of reassurance from him, I tried letting it slide. But why couldn’t he choose me over her?
I’d given him the opportunity to, saying that I didn’t know if I could keep him in my life knowing he’s also talking to her. I was expecting him to tell me he’d end things with her, because he wants me, only me, but instead, I got a pitiful “I understand, I really like you, but I get it if that’s what you wanna do.”
Throughout the span of a few weeks since first mentioning her to me, I’d given him subtle hints that I wanted him to choose me, and he didn’t. He made it clear that he wanted both me and her (greedy s.o.b).
He started to consume every single one of my thoughts, to an extremely unhealthy extent. If he wasn’t responding to my texts, I’d automatically assume he was with her, despite any reassurance he gave me. I spent my days picturing her lying on his chest, him playing with her hair, them falling asleep entangled in each others’ arms. This, among many other things, led to me ending things with him.
Honestly, I felt fine about it. I wondered why I wasn’t as upset as I felt like I should’ve been, and while I still spent a good chunk of my days thinking about him, I wasn’t sad about things finally ending; I felt fine.
Until I saw them together.
About a week and a half after we last spoke, I went to a party and saw him there, dancing with his friends. Later in the night, he noticed me and began walking towards me, or so I thought. I turned and he was kissing her, right next to me. He then walked past me and said hi to me, asking how I was doing, while holding her hand. I didn’t respond, so he continued walking, leading her through the party.
It was at that moment that I realized that I was not, in fact, over him like I thought I was.
I immediately left the party and started sobbing hysterically. I can’t believe he chose her over me. Why wasn’t I enough? How does he not miss me? What makes her so special? Did he ever even like me?
I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever been that heartbroken before. I sat on the side of the road, screaming until my lungs hurt. Hyperventilating and sobbing so bad that I could barely open my eyes the next day, my brain overpowered with thoughts of them together.
Less than a week later, he texted me. My phone was quickly flooded with messages from him; false promises of intimacy and longing. ‘i miss you,’ ‘can i see you soon?’ ‘what if i were to just want you?’ I had hope — maybe he wants me instead of her. Maybe he’ll choose me. I temporarily lived in a world of delusion and hope, until he apologized, saying he shouldn’t have texted me, making it more than clear that I was not who he wanted in the end. After being in his life for over a year, he ghosted me.
Although I was the one who had ended things, he still chose her in a way. He wouldn’t cut her off for me when I gave him more than enough opportunities to, and when he saw me at that party, he still walked away with her, tightly gripping her hand in his.
And in a way, I’m okay with it. Part of me has been hoping that he treats her the same way he treated me, because it just wouldn’t be fair if he was treating her right but never me, but another part of me doesn’t want her — or anyone — to have to experience everything he put me through.
I’ve been forced to ask myself, why have I been so heartbroken over a man who treated me so terribly?
He’d treat me with insane amounts of disrespect, only to apologize, giving me copious amounts of reassurance, intimacy, and compliments — things I’d only get if he did something wrong. He drove me so insane that it got to the point of lying to my closest friends, telling them I hadn’t talked to him in weeks because I just couldn’t justify how he was treating me.
The hours we spent talking on the phone filled with promises of treating me better meant absolutely nothing, because he never changed. He’d even admitted to me that he knew he was manipulative; why was I so stuck on someone who made it evident that I didn’t mean anything to him?
Maybe it’s for the better that he chose her over me. Evidently, I wasn’t meant to be in his life any longer. Sure, I got replaced, but maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that it’s time to work on myself.
I saw this quote on my Instagram feed, almost as if it was meant for me. “At some point you really have to tell yourself “this is not an experience I want to keep having” and stop entertaining things that don’t benefit you in any way.” Maybe I miss the toxic cycle and false intimacy sometimes, but in the end, he is just simply not an experience I want to keep having. I don’t miss him, but I miss having someone.
Maybe I’ll never get an apology that feels good enough, and honestly, closure probably won’t come from him at all. He might’ve chosen her, but this time, I’m choosing me.