You’ve dreaded it the entire semester, and it arrived much too soon. This week is what we have been preparing for these past three months. The horrific, the never-ending, the vomit-inducing finals week.
We’re all going to be scrambling awake at 8 am to snatch a seat in those most coveted places – a cubicle on B Level, a table in Gilman Reading Room or a comfy seat in Mudd. But wherever you end up during your study hours, you’ll need to gather up everything you’ve ever owned, because you’re going to live there for at least the forty-eight hours up until your exam.
Here’s a packing list for when you head out to your new home until finals are over.
1. Tissues. We all know you’ll be dabbing your eyes for the next one-hundred sixty hours every time you remember how much you need to get done before your exams this week. Make sure you’re well stocked on at least five boxes of tissues to get you through this difficult time.
2. Keurig. Who has time to go upstairs to the café? Save yourself the trouble and bring your own coffeemaker. You’ll save yourself the ten minute break when your supposed friends force you into conversation on the steps as you try to make a quick coffee run.
3. Curtains. You don’t want the natural light to disturb you while you’re in major study mode. Your eyes shouldn’t be taking in anything other than the bright artificial lighting of your laptop. Make sure to pack some curtains or a large sheet to block any sort of sunlight seeping onto your sweaty, stressed-out face. Or better yet, wake up a full twenty-four hours earlier to line up for a D-Level cubicle. That way, you won’t be bothered by sunlight at all!
4. Pillow pets. Both for companionship and for your allotted hour of sleep every twenty-three hours. You should probably bring an alarm clock too to make sure you don’t sleep any more than those sixty minutes.
5. Decorations. Remember, this is where you live now. You might as well make it feel like home with some posters, a few picture frames, and maybe even some holiday lights to spruce the place up a little bit. This one’s your call though; I can’t tell you how to decorate your house.
6. Human blinders. Distracted by other humans, alarms, and general sights in life that prevent you from working? If horses can use these blinders during their races, you can use them to avoid seeing anything that isn’t your notes. If you don’t already own a pair, you’re not doing this week right.
7. Hammer. Every time your phone rings, make sure you hit it with the hammer to punish it for distracting you. How dare anybody try to reach you this week?
8. A coach. Hire someone well in advance to sit next to you this week and yell at you every time you look up from your notes. This person should preferably be frightening so as to discourage you from wandering eyes. You’ll probably find candidates on Tinder.
9. A flask. You’re going to need it as soon as you hand in your Scan Tron.
10. A tombstone. For when finals inevitably kill you.