Friendships can be very complicated with every sort of string attached. I’ve been very fortunate to have amazing lifelong friends, but I’ve also experienced very toxic friendships. Every friendship is different so keep in mind not all of these tips should be or can be applied to your own situation. These are merely suggestions to help you preserve your own mental health or help you better understand a situation you can relate to.
In my eyes, friendship is about the sharing of energy and enjoying the others presence. When one person is lacking energy the other is able to compensate and lend their support to return their friend to stability or equilibrium. In a balanced relationship this give and take of energy should be an equal occurrence for both individuals. In toxic relationships this sharing of energy becomes extremely one sided and draining on the opposing individual.
One thing to keep in mind is a friendship is a two-way street. It should be enjoyable and beneficial for both individuals. It is not necessarily your responsibility to share your energy when they need it however, you CHOOSE to because you care for them. This means, if giving your energy to them becomes too harmful for yourself, it is completely within your right to withdraw. I find it helpful to take a step back.
This does not mean “ghost them” or ignore them, rather, make yourself unavailable for the things that hurt you. This removal of energy takes form in removing yourself from being their “problem solver.” There is a difference between asking for guidance or advice on a situation and completely handing over the situation and wanting it to be fixed when it is given back. Their problems are not your responsibility although they may make you feel like they are. Explain to them, “I do not have the emotional capacity for this at the moment.” This small act of self-defense will hopefully make them more self-aware and conscious of their position in your life.
This removal of energy also takes form in the opinions you hold and share. I’ve been told I am a people pleaser and that is what has made me more accepting of a toxic friendship. I will let go of the opinions I hold in order to appease the other individual by agreeing with them. By constantly doing this they expect a certain energy from you when they come to you with a situation. They expect your validation and support at all times. In reality, you’re not helping them and you’re just solidifying the idea in your own head that your opinions are not valid or worth mentioning. This is harmful to the friendship again, because the balance is thrown off. Make sure you’re able to speak about how you feel. If they’re truly your friend they will listen to understand, not to respond. They will want to hear what you have to say and build upon it.
Friendship is one of life’s greatest gifts and making sure that relationship stays healthy is often overlooked. Boiled down, make sure you’re healthy and happy first. Your energy is important for you first, then the individuals you find worthy to share it with.