Funny sex stories x2

Another year, another round of stories to remind you that other people are having weird sex experiences too! These past few months may have been dry for you too, but maybe sometimes that's better than what ends up happening...

I am incredibly allergic to cats; her cat attacked me while I was eating her out so I got up and left.

 

It was the first time we were having sex and the room was pitch black and we were a little drunk, I turned too fast and elbowed him in the face and broke his nose.

 

My boyfriend and I frequently play post-sex card games: palace, stress, rummy, you name it.

 

On our first date he made a reservation for the wrong day. 

 

I met this dude on Hinge and he was like cute long hair grad student I was like oh this is awesome he wants to take me on a date. So we go to a movie theater downtown, but mind you this is my first date ever. Like ever ever. So I don’t really know how to like navigate the situation so when he comes up to say hi and give me I hug I instead DAPPED HIM UP. So they didn’t have the movie I wanted to see so we instead saw Child’s Play and then we left and I think he was expecting me to come back to his place. But that quickly faded when I told him the story of a homeless person peeing into my classroom. 

 

He told me my mole was hot.

 

I was in the city on a first date, and when I asked him “What shows do you watch” his response was “Sometimes The Big Bang Theory is in the DVR” and I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more boomer-esque statement.

 

One time I went on a date with a guy to hike in the Wissahickon. I was in front of him for most of it and then we stopped to look at the water...that’s when I noticed, not a hole, but a HUGE rip on the back side of his jeans at the pocket... this man was wearing no underwear.. ENTIRE BUTTCHEEK OUT. I’m truly convinced this was an intentional fashion choice. I couldn’t bring myself to call it out and we mutually ghosted each other.

 

Puked on his d*ck.

 

It was my 3rd night in abroad and I thought a good way to meet people (and get some Danish d*ck) was Tinder. I went over to some guys place, and by that I mean his parents' basement. We watched a great horror film and started hooking up. We had hardly done anything during the movie, so after, I started giving him head. Not even a full 4 seconds later he ran to the bathroom and slammed the door. I was so confused as to what had  just happened, and I realized he nut…. in 3 seconds. He came back and I said “Are you good?” And he said “Well you know how you can break your d*ck? Well I broke mine last year and it just broke again in your mouth.” He said it wasn’t my fault and happened to him “often” and that he was in too much pain to do anything else so we hugged and I just left.  

 

I found out he was a republican while he was inside me.

 

This guy ghosted me after we had sex but he left his watch at my place and we were supposed to hang out again but he ghosted again me so I gave his watch to my friend because he would never respond.

 

He broke my cervix.

 

A few years ago I had my first and last one night stand. This guy was kind and genuine but we were both very very drunk. Things went the way they were supposed to I guess. About 12 hours after having sex, I started to feel very uncomfortable “down there” I decided to have a feel around, and ended up pulling a condom out of my hoo ha. It was absolutely terrifying and I would not wish this happening to my worst enemy. Never saw the guy again. Horrible experience.

 

He brought up his rabbi like 5 times while we had sex. 

 

His dad walked in on us...but his dad is like 90% blind so I just stayed really quiet.

 

I went out to dinner with this really hot guy that I thought I was IN LOVE with. Literally I thought he could do no wrong. From the outside he seemed perfect. He played guitar, listened to the same music as me, and was hilarious! After diner we went back to his dorm and we started having sex when all of a sudden he was like “wait I forgot the music” and he put on I kid you not, water dripping sounds. So as I was being f*cked all I heard was drip drop drip drip. 30 minutes of dripping sounds later, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and left. Never saw him again.

 

He came over at 9, came at 9:05, left.