A lease renewal form fell from the doorframe of my apartment last week. “If you would like to renew your lease, check YES below. If you are moving and not renewing your lease, check NO.” I am moving and not renewing my lease, but I have not checked no, have not signed and handed in the paper, despite the fact that it will automatically renew in 15 days if I do not.
My cap and gown came in the mail yesterday. I was confused about what the package was since I wasn’t expecting anything. “Contact: Thomas Jefferson University” printed on the side label clued me into the fact that it was likely graduation related. I opened the box and saw the tightly folded cap and gown. But I didn’t open it. I put the plastic-encased square on top of its box and shoved it under my desk.
My rational self tells me I should sign this lease and bring it downstairs immediately to avoid an expensive consequence if I forget to do it before the 15 days pass. My rational self tells me I should try on this cap and gown, ensure the size is correct, let the folds from its compact delivery start to loosen.
But my irrational self is not quite ready for that. As if in 15 days I will find out that a job in Philadelphia I have not yet applied for has hired me, and it will pay enough to cover the cost of living alone in a studio apartment for another year. I can’t even rationalize the irrational for the cap and gown, though, besides the fact that it feels too soon to start thinking about those things.
But it’s not too soon. As of today, March 15, I have less than two months until I graduate college. 54 days until I am done with my undergraduate education, potentially done with formal education period. I very much see a master’s or doctoral program in my future, but I am going to work for a few years first, and who knows where life will take me by then. I have been saying for the past few months that I will have to audit classes in the interim because I can’t give up education completely.
As you can see, I’m still in denial. The proximity to graduation is overwhelming. I love being in school, being a student, and the formalized learning. I love the college environment, where I’m surrounded by people taking on their own educational journeys. For my final days in school, I am working to be as present and engaged as I can with the college experience. Because this is the last time I will be able to experience it as an undergrad. But, as Winnie the Pooh said, “How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”