In recent months, more and more women are coming out with allegations against celebrities for sexual misconduct. This week Aziz Ansari is under fire for behaving badly on a date with a young photographer. If you haven’t heard the story, I suggest you read the entire thing on https://babe.net/2018/01/13/aziz-ansari-28355 . Basically, a woman called Grace went on a date with Ansari and after returning back to his apartment, he made strong sexual advances towards her and she became visibly uncomfortable. After he kept ignoring her cues and kept pushing her to perform sexual acts, she eventually gave in and left feeling upset and violated. After texting Aziz after the date and letting him know how she felt, he responded to her by saying he was very sorry and completely misread the situation.
After reading this story, I couldn’t help but think of a few times where something very similar had happened to me. One time in particular, I had invited a guy back to my dorm to watch a movie and he made advances towards me, which I consented to, even though I didn’t really want his visit to go that way. Fast forward to the next time he visited: I had texted him before to say that I didn’t want to do anything sexual, I just wanted to relax and that if he was expecting anything more to not come over. He said “Okay we’ll see how it goes”. He shows up and we talk for about 10 minutes, then he starts making advances towards me. I said, “I told you I really didn’t want to do anything” and turned facing away from him and watched the movie that was on. He kept pushing and pushing until I eventually somewhat gave in (by “somewhat gave in” I mean I sat there, not moving or responding while he kissed me.) A few minutes later, I said, “Okay no more, can we just relax?” He said sure and moments later he was starting again. This time I felt a strange feeling like I had left my own body. I was just lying there lifeless watching him completely ignore everything I had said and waiting for him to stop. After he left I started to cry, I felt like nothing more than just a body and I was kicking myself for not speaking up more aggressively (why didn’t I?). I texted him later saying, “You kind of just made me cry” and he replied completely dumbfounded. I felt he genuinely thought he did absolutely nothing wrong. Since then I have had other similar experiences, but it was only recently that I started feeling okay to get up and leave the first time I felt uncomfortable.
So why did I feel like I needed to make him happy, even when I wasn’t? Why didn’t I hit him or yell at him more aggressively to stop? And why didn’t Grace do the same with Aziz? There are a number of reasons. For me, I didn’t see it as that big of an issue because he wasn’t raping me or even being violent at all. I like to think that if I’m ever in a situation where I know for sure that I am being assaulted, I’d fight back no matter what, but for this strange gray area I wasn’t really sure of what to do in the moment besides keep saying I don’t feel like it right now. I also enjoyed talking with him and at the time he was kind of my only friend and I didn’t want to make things awkward between us by telling him to get out. I feel like Grace looked up to Aziz and didn’t want to be rude to him in his own apartment, part of it may have been pure shock or it may have been because she had the same feeling of powerlessness that I had. There’s also always the fear of “what if he turns violent” because let’s face it, people are unpredictable. The list goes on.
With this being said, I don’t believe Aziz deserves to be torched or treated like Harvey Weinstein and violent rapists. However, this should open up an important conversation that is long overdue. Unless a woman gives a clear, very aggressive “No”, most men believe they have the green light to do whatever they want. I find it strange to see people are coming to Ansari’s defense by saying that she never really said the word “No” and that he’s not a mind reader. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that if someone keeps moving away from you, clearly says the words “I feel forced” and repeatedly tries to slow things down, they probably aren’t into it and you should stop pursuing them. This proves the theory that common sense is not that common. To these people, men are too stupid to notice when a woman is uncomfortable, therefore we cannot be polite and have no choice but to cause a scene and make things incredibly awkward. This is why this conversation needs to be had. How about just teaching guys to listen to these signals and these words, which in my opinion, I thought were very clear, instead of telling girls if they don’t say a firm “NO” you’re telling the guy you’re down for anything. I believe that Aziz and the boy that came to my dorm felt like they weren’t doing anything wrong, and were genuinely concerned when they were made aware of the effect that it had. Reading social cues and knowing when someone is uncomfortable with your behavior should be common sense, but to a lot of guys it clearly is not.
Whether it’s feeling so entitled that men purposefully ignore clear signals or if it’s an honest misreading of a situation, something needs to change with our current dating culture. We have to stop romanticizing girls playing hard to get and men pursuing someone who isn’t interested until they change their mind. There needs to be more of a conversation had between adults about what each other is comfortable doing. Many would argue that this kills the mood or ruins the moment, which I really don’t agree with, but it’s better to do that than to be labeled as a sexual predator afterwards. I stand with Grace and I think her story has made a lot of people including Aziz Ansari aware that behavior they previously thought was no big deal is in fact a big deal, and it needs to change.
PC: nytimes.com