So, my anniversary is March 25, and this year, it will be my second anniversary with this man that I’ve dated thus far. I will be frank and say that this relationship has not always been sunshine and rainbows, and as my first ever relationship, I learned a lot. Experiencing dating and romance for the first time in college is definitely a different experience than dating for the first time in high school – I would say that it allowed me to go into things with a level of maturity and perception that was beneficial to me. I watched as my friends in high school navigated their relationships and silently took note. I listened to their problems and prepared myself for what I might experience in college.
One of the big questions I got from my first-year students in the class that I peer-mentored was: “How do I manage to balance fun and school?” I gave them the resources they needed to manage their time and also offered them some self-care tips! However, it made me think about how I managed to balance a relationship while maintaining my grades. The very first warning my dad gave me was to make sure that a boyfriend wouldn’t distract me from class and that my grades wouldn’t slip. To be honest, there were times when I did think spending time with my boyfriend was detracting from my study time, but after I got over that way of thinking, I approached dating differently. So, here are my biggest tips for balancing a relationship and class.
- Build a Routine
Build your relationship around your schedule and not the other way around. I think that your classes take some sort of priority over your relationship, given that you care about receiving a “good grade.” This means that you won’t plan dates during your class times, you are flexible and understanding about scheduling, and you agree on times when you both are free. This could be on the weekend or break periods every Thursday. Think of them as another class within your schedule – you wouldn’t want to do homework for another class with them, right? No, finish what you need beforehand, then hang out with them.
- Open & Honest Communication
It’s really generic advice to say, but communication is key. Let them know early and in advance if you are busy or feel stressed about your academics. If they are an “insecure” type, then make it clear that you are not using this as an excuse not to hang out. Lay it out early in the relationship. I remember in the beginning of my relationship feeling nervous to ask for “time off” from them and my partner feeling like a nuisance/ a distraction. I like to study by myself without any other people around, and so to have another person there is not conducive to my learning. However, my boyfriend likes knowing someone is there on the other end. Our compromise: We both stay muted on Discord but have our cameras on. It can be scary to have these talks on preferences and all that, but it is required and can feel great after having them. You may go through a couple of spats and misunderstandings, but so long as you end up closer than initially, it’s for the better.
- Set Realistic Expectations
I think social media – especially the lavish and extravagant side full of teenagers with rich parents – have pervaded everybody’s spaces and feeds to set unrealistic expectations. College students are – more often than not – broke. So, don’t expect flowers every week, fancy dinner dates every time you go out, or even expensive gifts regularly. Your partner is not going to pay for your nails, or your hair, or your shopping spree. Your partner may not even have a car! So, don’t expect them to do all of the driving and get comfortable with splitting the bill or paying for your portion of the meal. This may seem like common sense, but going into my relationship, I think I came with this expectation very deep down but quickly squashed it after reminding myself of our situation.
Simple and cheap dates are acceptable and the norm! So what if you go to the Cheesecake Factory? That is fancy enough to cosplay being rich for a moment! Take a hike, have a mini picnic, or even make something handmade for your partner. All of these small things can still be meaningful without money.
- Time is not “had”, it’s “made”
This goes hand in hand with my first point: Make time in your busy college schedule for another person. This goes for any type of relationship in college. In high school, the time is allotted to you for your friends to see each other basically every day. However, in college, relationships are a conscious choice in which you have to make an intentional effort to maintain. You have to go out of your way to text them first, call them first, find them after class, and all of that other stuff. Relationships aren’t just:
“Hey, we’re dating now. Cool”
No, it’s more spontaneous, impulsive, and effortful. To talk to them requires you to conjure up a time you were not even aware you had to further your relationship. That awkward time between classes when you just sit in the Ronson Lounge? No, walk your partner to their class in Downs. You get to campus early just for parking and are just sitting in your car until class starts? No, text your significant other a good morning, or call them on their drive to campus. There is time in between “time” where you can hang out. So it should be:
“Hey, we’re dating now. Do you want to hang out after class?”