Coming down to the final days of what will be my very last day of school, ever, I just have some thoughts that have been building up over the years. School is important. It has basically become crucial to have any sort of future these days. I understand its importance and I understand how lucky I am to have been given a wonderful education that I know not everyone has the opportunity to get. And I have been even more lucky to have had the opportunity to go to college. But let me tell ya, it has not always been easy for me.
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School doesn’t always come easy and sometimes the stress of it all can really put me in a weird place. I always seem to have to try a little harder and take extra steps to keep up. And I’ve known that and have always accepted that about myself. But sometimes, it can really get to me, and most of the time, little things will build up and everything will hit me all at once and I genuinely feel like I am internally drowning in a pool of school. Now, I am the first one to procrastinate my work. This probably doesn’t help my situation whatsoever, but what is hard to explain is that this feeling is more than that.
It’s like the reason why I am procrastinating is not because I don’t want to do the work. It’s not, oh man this paper is due by midnight tonight, I haven’t started it, now I’m stressing and cramming to get it done (which yes, I get it, that is sometimes the case, and we have all been there, we are human, OKAY.) But it’s more like, why can’t my brain wrap around the material that genuinely should be not so difficult to understand and why can’t I just physically get myself to do a simple task and just get the assignment done? Why is this so hard for me? I have struggled with this for a long time now, and not just in college. It’s just when I’m in school, sometimes the best version of myself that I love so much tends to shut off and it is hard for me to get it to turn back on. And when it does end up turning back on, it becomes too late and this assignment was due two days ago and now I’m more stressed and now every teacher is looking at me like I just don’t want to do my work and now I feel like the worst student there ever was and the cycle continues. It can be very frustrating. Let me try and explain.
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School to me is like trying to do a pull up. (Okay try and work with me here.) It’s like, you are trying to do this pull up, because everyone around you is doing pull ups at different speeds, but you just can’t get yourself to do this pull up. But then, out of nowhere, something will happen and you end up doing the pull up that you genuinely could have done all along, but you had just lost sight that you were strong enough to even attempt said pull up. (Ya feel me? Maybe?) I just have to push myself forward and look for those things that remind me that school is just school, and there is more to life, so just do that assignment, do your best, don’t compare yourself to those working around you and just make it to the next day. Because that one assignment, that one grade, that one class, will NOT determine your whole life. You are more than school.
It just sucks that this realization comes so few and far between, because it’s so easy to just get caught up in the hustle and bustle and not think about the years from now when you’re out of school, since all your brain can focus on is right here and now and how frustrating everything is. Now, I know that this could have probably have been left for my personal journal or something, but I really just needed to rant and hope someone struggling right now to make it through school knows they are definitely not alone. And I definitely can’t forget that on top of all the bad days, I have had even more amazing days during my time at school and, surprisingly, I am kind of sad to see it end. It’s all I’ve ever known.I have had unforgettable experiences and have met the best people. It just sucks that those bad days in between tend to stick out. But this is just another reason to be more excited for my next chunk of life and see what non-school Emily has to offer.