Once every several thousands of years comes a very special holiday. A holiday where turkeys and dreidels collide, sweet potatoes meet latkes, and full tummies mix with the Festival of Lights creating the most beautiful day in the world – Thanksgivukkah. For the first time since 1888, Hanukkah falls on Thanksgiving, a miraculous happenstance that won’t happen again for another 79,000 years. Oy to the vey!
And if you are like me, an American Jew at a Catholic University with an extreme passion for potatoes, this is probably the greatest thing in the history of ever. So without further ado, I’ve compiled a guide to the ultimate Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, and Black Friday celebration. So hold on to your latkes folks, cause it’s about to get hot – so hot that we could use this fuel to light the menorah for all eight nights. Yeah, THAT hot.
So finally, it’s Thanksgiving.
AND IT’S HANUKKAH.
As the calendar flips to Thursday and Thanksgiving begins, so does the food preparation.
Luckily we can leave the intensive cooking up to the head chief of the household. Personally, I volunteer (AS TRIBUTE) to assist in the kitchen, otherwise it’d turn into the Festival of Lights on my stove. I do, however, make a very good taste-tester.
Then comes the influx of relatives.
But it’s okay, cause we love our family – even the aunt that never married and raises dogs as her children, or your cousin who only wants to talk about the comparative hotness of Peeta and Gale in Catching Fire. We all put up with some photos of Skippy in a sweater or, more than gladly, Josh Hutcherson without one in the name of Thanksgiving dinner. Personally, it’s just not Turkey Day without my Nana complaining about her psoriasis through mouthfuls of stuffing.
When the inevitable “family moments” occur like that enduring fight over That-Thing-That-Happened-10-Years-Ago-Between-Your-Mom-And-Her-Sister or your obvious failures in the romantic department, just smile and think about the cranberry sauce.
Keep calm and cranberry sauce on.
And finally. FINALLY. It’s eating time.
Go ahead, shimmy on over to your seat.
There’s nothing like food to simultaneously unite us.
But of course, part of Thanksgiving is the whole…giving thanks aspect. So you’ll take that moment to reflect on this past year and all the wonderful people who filled it (not unlike the stuffing cascading out of the turkey) to make it even more delicious. And even though nothing is completely perfect, all is forgotten as you share a meal and a table with your loved ones. Because, after all, it’s a national holiday to celebrate each other…and carbs.
Wonderful, wonderful carbs.
And in honor of the beautiful bird that sits before you, don’t be afraid to get a little funky. For as we all know, you can’t eat turkey without doing a chicken dance.
Then comes the…
It is here that we have perhaps the greatest part of Thanksgivukkah: sweet potato latkes. For those of you who don’t know, potato latkes are potato pancakes. And sweet potatoes are like regular potatoes, but candy. Essentially, American Jews here are engaging in what just may be the best food combination since some wonderful soul realized jelly tastes better with peanut butter.
At this point, you might be getting full. You might think the meal is over. You might be horribly mistaken. And you are.
CAUSE SECONDS!
And just when you are about to burst, your mom brings out the desserts.
Once all is said and done, it’s time to celebrate Hanukkah. It’s so much fun-akkah to celebrate…Thanksgivukkah? Perhaps we need you to write a new song, Adam.
Break out those candles and that menurkey (menorah turkey).
And engage in some good old fashion dreidel, Thanksgivukkah style.
Spin nun, and no pumpkin rolls for you. Shin and you have to give up a scoop of mashed potatoes. But oh man, get hey and you are allowed half an hour to sleep, no guilt about ignoring your grandparents attempting to pinch your cheeks. Get the lot with gimmel, and you can pick the movie you all watch.
After all is said and done, you’ll be so warm and fuzzy you won’t make it past the first game.
But once Thanksgiving concludes, it’s time for the real holiday: Black Friday! Because nothing says Jewish American like utilizing every sales opportunity to save money while participating in the true American past time of consumption!
I’ve honestly never engaged in Black Friday, but I imagine it’s not unlike The Hunger Games. So, I suggest while standing in line, try to talk to everyone you encounter about the sex drive of dolphins or pour water into a bowl and drink it like a cat. The goal is to freak out as many people as possible until they leave, granting you closer access to the door. If all else fails, just get out your bow and arrow. Every woman for herself, right? May the odds be ever in your favor. And may that discounted sweater be ever in your size!
While Thanksgiving and Black Friday may quickly come and go, Hanukkah is so much fun that the party goes on for seven more nights! But don’t you worry guys, as every store on Black Friday will remind you, Christmas is just around the corner.
So have a wonderful Thanksgiving full of love and food, a twinkling Hanukkah, and a safe Black Friday! Be sure to remember all the blessing in your life.