Hello, friends! I hope everyone had a lovely winter break and are ready to tackle this new semester! True to form, I saw quite a few movies over winter break, and as always, will review and rank them for you now. Enjoy. Spoiler alert all around, though.
5) “Aquaman”
Man, this movie was bad. I do not care that it made a ton of money at the box office, because it was still bad. Its only redeeming quality was that Jason Momoa was super fun and has an excellent body and was convincing as a tough, emotionally-constipated yet lovable superhero. Unfortunately, everything else was dumb. The effects were bad. It did not even pretend to pass the Bechdel test and Amber Heard, while pretty, was basically just a bad actress playing an underdeveloped character in a bad wig. Other parts of the movie were just so ridiculously bad that I literally laughed out loud in the theater–for example, that one real pale bad guy tries to play straight his desire to become “Ocean Master” and it was just…….no. Also they made our queen Julie Andrews into this fish monster? For why??? I hated this movie. Hated. It.
4) “Ralph Breaks the Internet”
Honestly, this movie was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I thought that the whole Internet aspect might be awful in an “Emoji Movie” type of way, but it was not as bad as that. But it was still pretty mediocre. I wish there had been more stuff with the Disney Princesses and all the other Disney characters that made cameos, because that stuff was fun, and I loved Vanellope’s song, “A Place Called Slaughter-Race,” which was a genuine DIsney Princess song since it was written by the man, the myth, the legend Alan Menken. I think that the first half of the movie was good, but then when Ralph turned into the giant Ralph made of evil Ralph clones (so it was like crawling? it was disgusting and freaky?) and proceeded to take over the entire Internet, they lost me. I did not like it, I did not get it, and I did not understand how that all got resolved. It was gross and confusing and I think it ruined an otherwise fun movie.
3) “On the Basis of Sex”
This movie was good. Not great, but definitely good. I was slightly deterred by the fact that Felicity Jones does not look at all like Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but that’s whatever. Anyway, it focused almost entirely on RBG’s first ever case, which was representing a man denied a tax deduction for elderly care because the tax code only mentioned women caring for their elderly parents (or something like that–a lot of this went over my head to be honest). Personally, I think the movie was a little bit slow-paced, but it was still a good time and certainly informative. My favorite character, though, was not RBG, but rather her daughter Jane who was like 13 or so in the movie; she was super fun. But anyway, best part by far was the very end, where actual Ruth Bader Ginsburg walks up the steps of the Supreme Court building. Incredible. What a woman.
2) “Mary Poppins Returns”
If you had never seen the original “Mary Poppins,” I’m confident that you would love this movie. For me, I liked it well enough, but it just did not stand up to the original. I might sound like an old person for saying that, but it’s true. Emily Blunt was good, and Lin-Manuel Miranda (a perfect human) did his best, but this was like a shot-for-shot remake of the original and it just could not compete. I feel like it could have done better if it had veered more from the original, but it did not. Also, I hated the resolution–first of all, what the heck was Michael doing drawing on the back of his freaking stock certificate?? Idiot. Second, why on earth was Colin Firth so obsessed with getting money?? He works for a bank, and the money is going to the bank, but it’s not like he gets any of it?? It just goes back to the bank?? He gets literally none of that money, so why was it such a big deal for him?? He was just generically evil??? Dumb. Third, how on EARTH did Michael’s tuppence end up becoming enough money to pay for his whole house?? What is the state of England’s economy?? I get that I’m picking apart a children’s movie, but like, this was just ridiculous. There has got to be some level of things making sense. I can handle all the fantastical stuff, but develop your villians better, movie. All that being said, this was still a nice time. The songs weren’t as good as the original, but they were still good. A cute message about childhood and family and love. A cute movie.
1) “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse”
THIS MOVIE. An animation trailblazer. A cinematic marvel. Yeah, I did not really follow all the technology mumbo-jumbo, or the plot just in general, but it did not matter because the SIGHTS. And the SOUNDS (the soundtrack is baller). And all the other Spider-Man people!!! So fun!!!! This movie had it all. I laughed, I cried, it moved me. Definitely deserves its spot at the top of this list. (The bar was kind of low though?? It’s fine.) Anyway. Great movie.
That’s all, folks! Stay tuned, because next Tuesday the Oscar nominations come out!!! If you know me at all you know that I’ll be telling you about em!! Remember last year when I watched all the Best Picture nominees just for you?? Exactly. You can count on me for this mission.