Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the least encouraging article I’ve read in a long time:
http://elitedaily.com/dating/10-reasons-always-go-girl-drinks-whiskey/938026/
In this article, the author repulsively explains ten reasons why girls who drink whiskey are God’s gift to men. Thanks for contributing to the negative portrayal of women and alcohol, bro. You’re a regular Prince Charming.
The other day, I was telling my friend about this article, and she said something along the lines of, “Just because I don’t drink whiskey doesn’t mean I’m not strong or mature.” My thoughts exactly. Here are this guy’s “10 Reasons Why You Should Always Go For The Girl Who Drinks Whiskey” and why women everywhere should read it while laughing with some sweet champagne.
10. She can hold her liquor
“If she has to gnaw at pretzel rods every time she takes half a shot of Bacardi Raz, odds are she’s full-blown sauced after a glass or two of wine with dinner. That’s no fun.”
If you’re going to compliment me on how well I can hold something, flatter me on how well I can hold your attention while I present you my business proposal or something. Also, you’re saying I have to be plastered to have fun, which is just the opposite of true. Have you ever heard of this activity called Baking Oreos Inside Chocolate Chip Cookies Then Playing Mario Kart Until They’re Gone? That’s fun and doesn’t even need the assistance of Bacardi.
9. She’s strong
“So if she’s ordering whiskey after whiskey, you can assume she’s clearly comfortable with herself, knows what she wants and has no problem making it happen – regardless of what anyone else at the bar might think.”
Another good indication of showing my strength would actually be hindered if I took a few shots beforehand. Sometimes for fun I like to show up to interviews. Now these might not be the most comfortable situations, but I sure do try to make it seem that way. Like you said, I know what I want, and I’ll do what it takes to make it happen, regardless of what my competition looks like. The only difference between the other interviewees and myself is that I’m doing all this in heels.
8. She doesn’t half-a** things
“If her drinking habits are any reflection on the rest of her habits, she doesn’t like to half-a** things.”
Let me tell you about that time I put in countless hours for my first short story. Boy, did I need a drink after I turned that sucker in. If only I didn’t have to work on a research paper as soon as that was finished. I for sure would have hit up the bar and ferociously tossed back a couple shots to match the intensity spent on my schoolwork. In fact, when I was done working overtime, I went to the bar and I saw this girl at a booth with a vodka soda and a bunch of papers. Probably some Master’s Thesis or something like that.
7. She’s provocative
“There’s just something hot about watching a chick throw back shots of whiskey with a purpose.”
There are too many things wrong with this poor excuse of a sentence. First of all, you’re going to try and tell me wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt while drinking a glass of wine isn’t hot? You, sir, are the reason young women feel the need to drink until their petite bodies can’t take it anymore. Second of all, I am not “hot.” I’m the most gorgeous things you’ve ever had the pleasure of laying your uncultured eyes on. I wish you all the luck with that cute little blonde drunkenly chirping along to some Taylor Swift song of which she only knows half the lyrics.
6. She’s probably a profound thinker
“For whatever reason, whenever I think of people who drink whiskey with any regularity, I feel like they also have a slew of obscure, sophisticated hobbies in addition.”
Can’t partake in a sophisticated hobby like writing without my trusty whiskey by my side. Now I’m doubly hot. I’m drinking whiskey as I write this. Just between you and me, I never would have made it through college without a little whiskey in me, am I right? JK. Speaking of which, LOL at you thinking J.K Rowling thought of a whole other world with some alcohol. Fun fact: that was all from her imagination, no additional substances required.
5. She’s mature
“Whiskey is a mature drink choice. Just like whiskey has a mature, aged flavor, so does a whiskey drinker.”
I remember when I was in high school and we judged others on what they drank. Since then, I’ve matured like the whiskey I don’t drink. Not surprisingly, I like to date guys who are mature and see me for things other than what I drink. Sometimes we even go out to see a movie or something and don’t drink. Sometimes we even do the Baking Oreos Inside Chocolate Chip Cookies Then Playing Mario Kart Until They’re Gone thing. A mature person knows how to have fun without feeling like her head will explode the next day.
4. She has a taste for finer things
“She genuinely appreciates alcohol in general, and the prominence and class of whiskey have sparked her interest.”
If she genuinely appreciates alcohol in general, wouldn’t she also enjoy “something boring, like white wine”? I thought that was a drink under the “nothing less sexy” column? There are greater things than the “prominence and class of whiskey” that have sparked my interest in life. For instance, I find seals to be fine. How often do you get to see a seal in northeast Ohio? If you’re worried that the girl you’re with will be no fun because “she’s full-blown sauced after a glass or two of wine with dinner,” take her to the zoo. She’ll enjoy the littler, finer things in life, and you won’t even need whiskey to have a grand old time.
3. She isn’t afraid to stick up for herself
“At the first sign of disrespect, she’s ready to let everyone know — even if she might get a bit too aggressive and end up regretting it in the morning.”
Everyone, this is the first sign of me being disrespected, and I’m ready to let you know.
2. She’s emotional
“Whiskey drinkers appear apathetic to the majority of mankind — but after you get to know people who love a good tumbler of whiskey and you share a few drinks with them, you’ll realize just how passionate they are.”
Well thanks for reinforcing this female stereotype. I advise you to get to know someone when you’re actually not inebriated. It’s much better and more effective that way. I remember the first time I had a passionate conversation with this one girl, who later became my best friend. We talked about our life goals, how to change the world, who our grade school crushes were, what we want out of life, and our overall concerns and worries with how some people treat others. Then we drank together.
1. She’s a little bit bada**
“But just because she doesn’t drive a motorcycle or play bass guitar doesn’t mean she can’t have a little wild streak you don’t know about. And, judging by the bourbon on the rocks she’s clutching, she probably does.”
I’ll drink to that. White wine, please.