Dear, Collegiettes:
Life can be pretty tough. There are many things that take up our time, energy, and attention like school, boys, finances etc. Fortunately, life gives us support, love, and happiness in the form of friendship.
Which brings us to this week’s topic: Friends.
I think of friends as the family that we get to choose, and in life (especially in college) there are a lot of people to choose from. I’ve had my share of friends; “bad” friends, phony friends, good friends, great friends; you name it, I’ve had it. I’ve learned many things about friendship and being a friend. I’d like to share with you a few pieces of wisdom I’ve picked up over the years.
1. You Must Be The Kind of Friend You Would Want
I used to think of friendship in terms of how people treated me, what they offered me in the friendship, and how often they were there for me. Then I realized, that’s a lot of “me” thinking. Yes, friendship is a two-way street, but you cannot always expect to be on the receiving end of the friendship. Do you talk about your friend behind their back? Do you secretly want their man to be yours? Do you rarely contact them, but expect them to contact you? Do you use the excuse, “I’m not talking to her until she talks to me?” That is childish and foolish and will leave you friendless and bitter. Put your pride aside and simply choose to love your friend, choose to be the best friend you can be. When you make up your mind to treat your friend as you would want them to treat you, you do two things; you show them what you’re expecting from them as your friend and you cover your butt so they have no bad words to say about the kind of friend you are. Lastly, you don’t give in a friendship expecting to receive, you give your time, energy, words etc. as a friend because you love them not because you want them to owe you anything.
2. Pay Attention
Maya Angelou, poet, author, and activist once said, “the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Not everyone is “friendship material,” of course you should give everyone a fair chance, but a person will normally show you their true colors early on in meeting them; you just have to pay attention. If you meet someone who is clearly a gossip and runs around telling everyone’s business, you must ask yourself if it would be wise of you to confide in that person. You have to be observant and believe people when they show you who they truly are; if not, you could end up betrayed, heartbroken, and bitter. A real friend is someone who sticks closer than a brother. Someone who comforts you, encourages you, speaks kind words to you and about you, someone who let’s you know when you are wrong, but will help you to make things right.
3. A Real Friend Won’t Try To Steal Your Man or Gossip About You
I don’t know what it is about us women, but men seem to be our kryptonite. They make us do some crazy stuff. But one thing a man should never have the power to do is break up a strong friendship. If you have a boyfriend and you see your friend getting a little too comfortable or even flirty around him, the best thing to do is to confront your friend about it — in a calm and respectful way of course. Most of the time, especially in today’s society, sadly, kindness is mistaken for flirting. So first off, make sure what you are seeing is real and make sure you’re not just being ridiculous. If your friend is definitely “hittin’ on yo’ man” then you should confront her. A real friend will never try to move in on your boyfriend and if she does, that is a sign of her own low self-esteem and lack of self-respect. Heather Lindsey, author and speaker in her March 4th self-titled blog asked a very important question in regards to gossiping friends:
“When you go through things; tests, trials, moves, marriage, divorces, deaths etc., will YOUR friends rock with you or will they run off & talk about you?!”
That is a great question. A real friend will never say mean things about you behind your back. If you have someone who you were once close to and are no longer friends with and now they run around talking about you to everyone, chances are they were whispering those same things while they were your friend. If your friend is a real one you will be positive that they don’t talk about you behind your back and no person whom they are friends with should feel comfortable talking about you around them either. I really believe that people who say mean things about their friends to other people are insecure, attention-seeking people-pleasers who are desperate for people’s approval. They need serious help. If you are friends with someone who you believe has mean things to say about you behind your back you should confront them about it in a respectful way and in the future (if you do decide to continue the friendship) choose wisely what you share with them about your self and your life.
4. Forgiveness/Hardships
No one is perfect, not even you, so do not expect your friend to be. People have different views, opinions, values, morals etc., with so many differences it is inevitable that your friend will hurt you in some way. It could be a snide misconstrued remark or it could be something bigger like a falling out, but you must be able to decide which friends are worth suffering for. If you decide to end a friendship, make sure it is out of wisdom not anger, remember that people make mistakes. If you choose to continue the friendship, then you can not throw the person’s wrongdoing in their face time and time again. If you forgive that person, then forgive them and quit making them suffer for something they apologized for. If they have apologized and changed, but you can’t find it in your heart to forgive them and let it go, then do them a favor and let them go. Maybe you both just need some space from each other. With that said, forgiveness does not mean continuing a friendship. You forgive someone because it is good for you, that doesn’t mean that you allow the person to remain in your life to hurt you over and over again. Some people are in our lives for the long-run and some are briefly there to teach us lessons. Don’t mistake a “lesson-friend” for a “long-run” friend. Be forgiving, but be wise.
Friendships are important, especially in the life of a young woman. Friends are the family that you get to choose, so make sure you choose wisely and love freely. If you know you have a true friend, then cherish them and if you realize that you have a toxic friend, then let them go. We’re all here to encourage, teach, and have relationships with each other. Some friendships come and go, some come and stay. But learn all you can and love all you can in the process.
Char :)