Dear Young Alicia,
I will never forget how mom was literally Cody(brother) and I’s superhero. How she’d do anything she can to make sure we had what we needed. How she’d spend last dollar making us happy. How she’d go above and beyond to make sure we didn’t just have everything we needed but what we wanted as well. It’s so good to see myself now, in college, making her proud. Making sure I made something of my life and can support her after all of the years she has supported me. Making sure that all of the times she spent her last dollar on me will never happen again, as I will make sure she gets the life I know she deserves. She deserves literally the world but this is the best I could do: give her a good home, everything she’s ever wanted, and 20 years’ worth of love she has given me and my brother.
I look at back on my younger years at school. How I didn’t have a friend until 4th grade but that friend, Maggie, I had then, is still a loyal friend today after 10 years of sleepovers, sharing secrets, memories to last a lifetime, and loyalty to one another. That friend still asks me how my family is doing, goes out to eat with me, and tries to spend time with me when were home from college. I didn’t have a lot of friends in elementary school and I blame it on my weight. That’s not the only reason though. My mom supported us the best way she could and for that, did not have a lot of money. I was never in gymnastics, cheerleading, basketball, I never learned to ice skate, or swim. I didn’t have those things because we couldn’t afford it and I didn’t have anyone to do it with. Other girls did and since they were in it their moms were friends so they were always together and always close in school.
You know how your classmates were. Immature. Mean. Stuck-up. Overall, an aggressive environment. It was hard for someone like you to make friends because of this. You were never skinny. You never had the popular clothing. You didn’t have phone or electronics. That’s the thing, these people thrived off of being sought over for friendship but in reality, people just wanted other people to talk to and be friend with. It wasn’t about popularity; it was about friendship and people would be mean to one another to move up the chain.
It was hard being that girl. The girl no one would’ve even cared about if you died. Some days I didn’t want to go to school and I’d pretend to be sick so I didn’t have to. My mom knew I wasn’t sick and always said since I was such a good student I could. I was a good student. Always had As in everything. Always took assignments very seriously. I read a lot of books. The books kept me away from reality. They’d fill my head with a world that I wish I had lived in, a world where the girl gets the guy and everything ends up good. The reality is, it doesn’t. Many young people take their own lives every year due to bullying. It’s not hard to think that nobody would care if you died. It gets better though.
That person that died because someone else made fun of them could’ve been a genius, or a doctor, or a mother. You don’t know the future and what it holds. I never thought I’d be where I am today. I never thought I’d be at Indiana University of Pennsylvania getting my biology degree. I never thought that in two years I’d be stating medical school. I never thought that I’d have an amazing support system with my parents, grandparents, brother, and boyfriend. Not knowing is that keeps live wanting to live for. It gives you a sense “what could I be” or “what would I be missing”. It’s hard to leave that.
Getting made fun of all of the time made me who I am and I wouldn’t take it back. I wouldn’t take back crying by myself at night. I wouldn’t take back the ruined yearbooks. I wouldn’t take back the lonely days. I wouldn’t take any of it back. Why? I am making something of my life. I will be a doctor and I will make sure my mom has a good life. I can bet that half of the low lives I graduated with are not going to be as well of as I am. This makes me happy. How can you make someone so sad to the point where they want to take their lives and then go on with your life? How do you not lie awake every day and wonder how I felt when I went to bed every night?
Because of this mental abuse I got as a young adult I became emotionally dependent. I needed someone to tell me I was beautiful. I needed someone to want to talk to me. I needed someone to talk to about my day. My mom had no idea how I felt every day. She knew people were mean to me but she was sleeping when I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t know at the time that my mom is my best friend and she’d do anything for me so I was alone. I talked to a lot of guys that I didn’t know, from other schools, states, anywhere. As long as they made me feel like I matter that’s all I cared about. I became so dependent on that attention that without it I felt like nothing.
It wasn’t until I came to IUP and met Anthony(boyfriend) that I knew what actual love meant. He cares about me a lot. I don’t need him to tell me I’m beautiful because he treats me like I am. He makes me know that I know that’s how he feels. I don’t need him to make me feel better about myself because now that I’m at college. I am away from those toxic people that were mean to me in my youth. I feel confident and pretty most days. There will always be days where I feel bad about myself but everyone has those. My wounds have almost healed entirely and I am so excited about it.
Yesterday you were messaging a good friend(Gaby) that is graduating next semesters. She told you that “you’re always wearing a smile and have a positive attitude and it just makes everyone’s day better”, that “she was inspired and wished to be that person in life”. Her messaging me that made me realize why I am here at IUP. I want to make peoples lives better. I want to have an impact on people and that why I am here. I am going to be a doctor and devote my life to it. What she said to me means so much to me. Nobody has ever told me anything like that. I appreciate it a lot and will think of it often.
For now, you’re halfway through your time at IUP. You have great friend, have an amazing group you are a part of, and an amazing support system. This is the prime of your life and make sure that you don’t think about what happened in the past. Right now, is what you’ve been waiting for your whole life and it is amazing. It’s been bumpy but were getting there. I will never forget the experiences we encountered because they made me who I am but I will throw them away because at this moment of time, they were only steppingstones to here.
You are beautiful no matter what. Always remember that.
Love, present Alicia.