I Thought I Had Life Figured Out, But Now I Don't Think So

I have always wanted to change to the world. I'm not trying to be Superwoman, but something comparable would be fine. I grew up wanting to be a history teacher. I had full support of my family and nothing really stopping me. Then I went to high school. I realized that I could never be a teacher. I don't have the patience that one needs to deal with kids of any age. So I was back the beginning. I thought and thought about what I could do that would change the world. It was a lot harder than I thought. Then one day, I decided. I am going to become a lawyer. I love to argue. I grew up in an arguing household. (Mom if you see this, don't get mad. It's the truth.) I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but it sparked a lot of motivation. I love to debate. I love learning about the law and crime and how it can affect people. So I made my decision and applied to college.

A proud woman history major with a minor is sociology and pre-law speaking. My first semester of college was amazing. I had a blast. I meet some of my closest friends and made memories I will never forget. But then everything changed. In March of the following semester, I went home for spring break. And then 2 weeks turned into 8 months at home. The pandemic hit and I was excited at first. Learning from Zoom and doing everything online? Amazing! Being isolated and only seeing my parents and my cat... not so much. It was really hard at times, but I persevered. I continued my 4.0 and life was great. Then the fall semester came.

Life went to shit. I moved in with my best friend... we are no longer best friends. I fell behind in every class and barely pulled B's for the semester. Then moved home after Thanksgiving. I couldn't be on campus anymore. It was too much. The spring semester came and I moved into a new apartment!!!! I love it and I've made it my space. A place where can unapologetically be myself at all times and I don't have to worry about anyone else. I was doing so good. Sadly, the middle of the semester came and the assignments doubled overnight. I work a part-time job, usually around 25-30 hours a week, and I can't keep up. Now we're on week 14/16 and I'm sitting on the floor at work today. I look at my bestie/co-worker/boss and say "I don't think I want to be a lawyer anymore".

Now, hear me out. I go through these period where I drop off the face of the earth and go live somewhere with no cell reception.  I feel like everyone has these moments. However, this was not one of those moments. This was pure fear. I had my whole next decade planned out. 21: graduate from my undergrad and go to law school. 24-25: graduate from law school and hopefully find an internship while still there. 26: Start a job. 28: get married. 30: have kids. Keep in mind that I currently don't have a boyfriend so somewhere in there I find someone. But that's another crisis for a different day. Like I said, all planned and ready to go.

Now I'm 19, 2 weeks away from finishing my sophomore year and I don't know what I want to do. I can't do science or math. I love history but don't wanna be a teacher. I'm mediocre at best at art and English was never my best subject. So I feel stuck. I don't want to drop out. I enjoy college and love what I'm learning. But the voice in the back of my head keeps saying that I am not meant to do a 15 hour day for the rest of my life. I don't think that that is how the universe intends for me.

This might not be my path to change the world. Let's see where the fall semester takes me. My university announced all in-person classes so I'll be back in the classroom. I'll be meeting new people and doing more. Maybe I'm just too burnt out and need that normalcy that is in-person college. Maybe in a few months, I'll have an epiphany and life will suddenly fall into place. One things for sure, I am exactly where the universe intends me to be in this very moment.