It’s no secret that my future work will be related to sex and relationships in some capacity. I’m a Psychology major on track to attend graduate school in the coming years, and one day I aim to become a marriage and relationships counselor with a focus in sex therapy. Many people know me for this. In fact, when I began writing for Her Campus—and subsequently writing about topics related to sex and culture—I was told that I was just like Carrie Bradshaw, and don’t even get me started on our similarity of curly hair and good fashion sense. I’m a little like Carrie Bradshaw… but it was comparison comments like that which had me thinking about how similar we really are.
If you haven’t seen Sex and the City—first of all, you should watch it and then return to this article—I’ll explain a bit about Carrie. Her character is often criticized a lot for her treatment of her friends and her single mindedness, and I couldn’t agree more with that observation. I don’t think that’s me, and I’d consider myself a far more compassionate and empathetic friend than Carrie, but what I did find was a resemblance of our dating history. In the series, she meets and deals with a character called Mr. Big. Throughout the series the two of them are in a sexual relationship with varrying levels of commitment, lack of communication, cheating (on other partners with one another), sneaking around, and on-again-off-again entanglements. Noteabley, though, Mr. Big always seems to be calling the shots in their relationship and expecting Carrie to come running when he calls, or be available to him at any point in which his character makes an appearance in the series. Although many of these behaviors are clear, the majority of this becomes clearer upon closer inspection. On the surface, Big’s character is shown to be wealthy and important, so he often turns up with romantic gestures and fancy dinners. He has a manner of speaking (usually to Carrie) that paints Carrie as more dramatic or as overreacting to his behavior when he is called out. He speaks plainly and as if any fault in their unconventional relationship is entirely due to Carrie’s overthinking, or something she “chose” to do and/or asked of him. Mr. Big strings Carrie along for years, and it’s frustrating, from my perspective, to see them putting up with this instead of either just deciding to be together or just to call it off entirely.
Their relationship is framed to be exciting and romantic, as well as turbulent and crazy. The audience is supposed to root for them and (spoiler alert!), they end up together! I understand the toxicity of it, but when I watch the show, I too feel excited by their connection and I’ve come to see its similarity in my own life. Disappointingly, I’ve put up with something like this for far too long, but it’s done now. In honor of Valentines Day approaching: Here’s the story.
In 2019, I was 19 and was very much encouraged by new college friends to try Tinder. I did and went on some (surprisingly) very sweet dates for months without feeling a ton of pressure to be intimate with these guys. It was just fun and nice, I felt like I was enjoying life, and I finally felt confident. From these matches, I found my Mr. Big, but we’ll call him Mr. Frat. He lived 40 minutes from my parents house and also attended my university.
He told me that he had a “better chance than all those other guys” because we went to the same school. He visited my dorm and all we did was kiss. It might have been steamy, but he wasn’t ready to go any further. I respected it and we continued flirting, but these make-out-meet-up’s were all that ever occurred with us. This all happened during winter/ spring of 2020 and at one point he wrote my name in snow outside of my dorm window to get my attention: cute. We bonded over our shared desire to join Greek Life (hence his nickname), but we didn’t have much else to talk about. He wanted to see me over a holiday break, he told me to come over at any time, so I did. I drove through traffic, across the city, to see him. By the time I was near his neighborhood, he told me he was out and wouldn’t be home for hours. I drove all that way for nothing. I then had to drive all the way back home and lost interest in him, until he pursued me back at school and made it clear that he was sorry for that night. Shortly after that month, he ghosted me. I learned within two weeks that he was dating a sorority girl he met at his first fraternity mixer. Classic. Good riddance.
After a year, he broke up with her (on Valentines Day) and messaged me during their breakup. Much like Mr. Big, he wanted me whenever it was convienient for him…and he liked the chase. He flirted with me and pursued me (yet again) for a month, with all attempts met by me leaving his messages open or rejecting him. Months later, I gave in and visited him. He was surprised I didn’t decide to ghost him the way he did with me: very self-aware, this Mr. Frat. At this point it was April of 2021 and we were social distancing before meeting up. He had a trip planned to go to Florida with fraternities and a few sororities. No meet up occurred until two weeks later. When we visited, though, all that happened were steamy make-out sessions… yet again. After one meet up every week, we reached second and third base, but as summer came around, he seemed very keen on our relationship. We didn’t have much in common besides enjoying each other’s company… let’s just say he was one of those guys whose entire personality is their fraternity and very little else. When we were together, all we were able to talk about was his involvement with his fraternity councils, his philanthropy, our shared respect of Greek Life, and people we mutually knew within it. His membership in this fraternity gave him an air of arrogance and superiority that reminded me of Mr. Big. His sarcasm and the way he would answer questiosn with more questions, was also reminisent of the character: Mr. Frat had a Big ego.
At this time, Greek parties were “closed” to outsiders, and, much to his dismay and frustration, I snuck into his fraternity for two parties. He was bothered that I did this, but I found it entertaining that he was obligated to acknowledge me publicly—something he otherwise avoided for some reason.
We talked often, but when he saw me in public or around campus, he ignored me. He only ever had an interest in meeting up at night, on weeknights, and never having sex. I didn’t pressure him in any way, but I certainly questioned our situation (having gone on for three months) that would normally be classified a “hook-up,” but lacking in sex. He seemed so eager to see me and hit every base except fourth, why? He said he had a fear of pregnancy, but even with our talks about safety and my reassuring him, Mr. Frat seemed to never be interested in that level. This was made even stranger by him texting about how much he wanted to have sex or groaning it, mid-encounter. Very mixed signals. Another answer for why we weren’t having sex was his response along the lines of of “gotta keep you coming back for something, gotta keep it interesting.” So basically, he was stringing me along: very Mr. Big. And to use a very applicable quote from Carrie’s column, “he was like the city itself: cold, infuritating, and exhasting.”
In lieu of fourth base, though, he was dedicated to visiting me. To make up for my previous waste of time driving to his town—much earlier in our relationship—he drove an hour (from our city) to visit me at my college apartment, twice. We flirted that summer, but even with his visits and walks around town, we still didn’t have sex. This energy and confusing situation continued into the new semester. Over the course of two semesters, my visits with Mr. Frat became less frequent, I answered less of his messages, and he sent me fewer as well. We still met up once every other month. At the end of last semester, I left for Australia to complete a summer internship. He saw my posting about the trip and frequently “slid-up” on social media stories to compliment me and tell me he missed me. He told me that traveling the world with me would be fun and that we should take a trip. Was that intended to be a joke? We never even met up during the day, was he sure he wanted to get on a plane with me? At the risk of the sun being out and people around us? That’s funny, but confusing.
My trip to Australia taught me a lot about myself, wasted time, and where I feel my time and energy is best spent. I realized he was a waste of both. I deserve more than an unfulfilled afterthought by Mr. Frat. I deserve for my desires to be matched. I deserve to be communicated with clearly. Before I gave up, I gave him one last chance. After hearing that he “missed” me and “couldn’t wait” until I was back, I asked him if he wanted to go on a date. He said yes. Interesting. A few days later, I asked him, if he was so excited to see me, would he want to pick me up from the airport when I returned? He left me on “delivered” for a week. Soon, he opened it; I was left on “open” for two weeks. No response, no effort: enough is enough. This has gone on for too long: Blocked.
When I started watching Sex and the City, I saw very similar height and bone structure between Mr. Big and my Mr. Frat, but after analyzing them for this article, I relate to the similar way in which Carrie was strung along by Big. I liked Mr. Frat’s attention and his flirtation when he was with me. I appreciated his gestures of writing my name in the snow when we first met, or driving to visit me just to kiss me for an hour. I partially enjoyed the easy nature of our relationship, but I was very much bothered by the mixed signals and weird way of intimacy that never led to sex. Looking back, I suppose I felt like Carrie. I liked his attention and the games we played, always hoping it would lead to more. But hindsight is 20/20, and now I see that I was wasting my time.
I came to realize that if I wanted to get to fourth base with a guy that was unclear if he wanted the same, the only thing to do was walk away. It’s never okay pressure someone to do what you want to do, and if you’re dissatisfied and confused with a situation, you don’t need to stay! Life is short, and it shouldn’t be spent worrying over fraternity boys that use you as needed and waste your energy. Take it from me. I’ve met my Mr. Big; it’s better to block him and have yourself a cosmopolitan!