"I Am Finally Clean"

“I Am Finally Clean”

Eight months ago, I was listening to a Taylor Swift playlist when the song “Clean” come on. I related to the song because I was just about to leave an abusive relationship, but couldn’t get the courage too. I was scared to be without the person I once loved. At this point in my life, the world was crumbling around me. I dreaded my life from day to day. But once I heard this song I was inspired. I wanted to relate to the song. I wanted to be clean of the abuse, of the toxic relationship I felt captive in. So I left.

In December, I was five months sober of him. I was still working through problems that he left me with. I was still scared of him. I was still almost missing him. I would turn on this song and remind myself, I was okay and I was going to be okay. I would go back constantly to the day we fell apart. The day I decided to not be treated like dirt. The day that all the butterflies disappeared. The day where the world crumbled around me. The day I grew.

 

(Picture by: Pixabay)

In February, I was seven months sober. I missed our friendship. I missed our laughs. I missed who I thought you were. I would have killed to have one conversation with you. But I wasn’t going to risk my mental health. I wasn’t going to risk saying “hello” to you. I refused for you to have me under your thumb again. I knew I was a better person without you in my life.

In April, I was nine months sober, you decide to talk to me. I have taken every precaution I could for you not to talk to me, but here we are. You try to pity me. You try to be sweet but it’s not working. I thought you would have won but here we are. I’m smiling and laughing at your message, wondering why I was so worried about you in the first place. You WERE something to me, but you ARE nothing to me now.

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This song changed my life. This song is the reason why I’m healthy and smiling. This song is the reason I’m still strong. I can finally relate to it. I can finally scream it at the top of my lungs and mean every single word to every single line. And all I want to say to the world is…”I Am Finally Clean.”

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