My whole life, I have yearned to make everyone around me happy, even if they would not do the same for me. I have always been meek–someone who was easy to walk over. I did not feel as though I ever had self-worth until the first semester of my sophomore year at college. That fall, I met and roomed with someone who used me and made my life hell for four months. Her name was Sophie. (Name changed for protection)
I liked her at first. She was fun and took me everywhere to meet her friends. With her around, I felt like there never was a dull moment. But as with many things, that did not last. Like me, Sophie had some mental health problems. She constantly threatened harm to herself and would lay in bed for days. That did not bother me, I just wanted her to feel better. What started out as taking problems out on herself soon turned to taking it out on me. She would constantly tell me I was not as good as she was at things, refused to take me to the hospital when I was ill, and even took my key to our room when she lost hers. I was a prisoner.
Like many who have been abused and manipulated, I never saw it as abuse because she was not physically violent. Even if I had realized it, I know I would not have cared because I would rather her hurt me than anyone else, so I let this continue for months. The whole time I tried fixing her, my own health was unwinding, which did not go unnoticed by my boyfriend. He was never afraid to tell me that he did not like Sophie, but I always pushed it aside, thinking he did not know her well enough.
It was not until December that I hit my breaking point with her. After so many days and nights of her bringing friends at various hours, I let my boyfriend come over so that we could watch a movie. Sophie would not have it. She yelled at him and told him to go away, looking at me as if I had done something wrong. He had said nothing to her, so it finally hit me how harsh she was to others. She was hurtful and belittling. Without thinking, I snapped at her, saying that I was allowed to have friends. But she refused to back down. She told me that he needed to leave, so I left with him.
To make me feel better, my boyfriend took me out to see Christmas lights around town. It remains one of our best dates. Or it would have if Sophie had not texted me. She told me that I had been terrible and rude to her, that I had abandoned her. I was still upset with her, but I felt like a monster. Naturally, I returned to our dorm. Without so much as one word, she took my key and left once more.
As I sat there and contemplated whether I was even worth being alive, I thought back to how she treated others, not just my boyfriend. I remembered the time a friend of hers came over crying and I was the one to comfort him for two hours while she slept. I came to a thought. Was this how she treated me? Did she care about my wellbeing as much as I did hers? I decided I could not take it anymore.
When she finally came back, I told her that we could not be roommates anymore. I explained how unhealthy she was for my mentality and how I probably did not help hers. She was angry and she told me that I was selfish, but for once I did not give in. I finally learned self-respect. To this day, I have been able to know who is trying to use me and how to say no to them.
I do not blame Sophie for everything that she did because she was not in her full mind. I knew how that felt myself. In fact, as of now, I almost want to thank her. She made me realize that I did not deserve to be treated with disrespect and that I was as good as anybody else. Since that December day, I have been able to find some peace with myself, even if there are times I still feel guilty for upsetting her. Even if I do not love myself, I still respect myself and who I have become. It was not a situation I would wish on anyone, but I am glad that I was able to find something good within it and myself.