Relationships by themselves can be the most difficult things to handle without the disapproval of your peers and family. There is a sense of almost losing your true self being involved with someone else that is scary and unstable—you can go into a relationship one way, and come out a completely different person. This scares a lot of us, but what about the relationships that get unwanted attention from your family? What if you find love, or infatuation, in someone that your friends disapprove of?
Same-Sex Relationships
Without completely getting engulfed in the politics of these types of relationships, these are a good place to start. The first time I came out as bisexual to my parent, the initial shock-and-awe was only for the safety of my sexual health—not of who I was, why I was doing these things, and if I was “broken”.
My best friend, Brandon, was unfortunately the recipient of the classic kicking-out and excommunication often associated with coming out to family. Upon sitting down and discussing his initial reactions to himself when he found out he was gay, and what it meant to him in familial context, his mother began to see that it was indeed a very difficult decision to make for him to tell her.
They are now on the mend, but some people can’t even come out to their parents for fear of being beaten half to death—indeed a sobering fact that is coming to bigger light with all the recent talks of sexual inequality. Sometimes being open about their sexuality amongst friends is almost taboo as well. People cannot help who they find attractive and who they fall in love with—if you don’t approve of same-sex relationships, remember that it is often just as hard for them to come to terms with it in this society as it is uncomfortable for you to accept. Disapprove at a quiet distance, and for goodness sake don’t be mean.
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Interracial Relationships
I’m from Texas—not necessarily the “dirty south”, but southern enough that some areas are still riddled with obscene racism. In my family, we have what we call “Hannah’s First Black Boyfriend”—it was as bad as it sounds. My dad wasn’t too comfortable around my boyfriend, and when my aunt was present she would ask the questions you weren’t supposed to—“Why do you put lotion on your skin?”, “Do you get sunburned?”, and “Has Affirmative Action worked for you?” Eventually we all had a sit-down and addressed some issues, and everyone quickly got over their initial reactions and prejudices. I’ve since dated some people of other ethnicities, and for me there wasn’t really any difference in the way I was treated by one race or another.
Interracial relationships are no longer as taboo as they once were, but there are still countless number of side-eyes thrown at those involved in them—it all depends on where you are and who you are involved with. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of interracial couples has “soared” by more than 650 percent since 1970. Clearly there is more of a generalized acceptance toward those who choose to be involved in these types of relationships than those who don’t as we progress in this modern age.
Stephanie*, a Caucasian IUP undergraduate, says, “I love people of all races, I don’t really see why any one is different than another. However, I know that if I brought home someone who was black my family would flip out.”
Another Caucasian IUP undergraduate, Jenni*, says, “I just don’t find people of certain races attractive in most cases. They have to be extremely handsome for me to consider going with them.” These comments are all fine, and if you as a person cannot find someone of color attractive, that’s cool—however, if you ostracize those in interracial relationships because of some outdated (and it is outdated) standard, you should discriminate quietly. Some people go through enough with their families and the stereotypes placed on them by society without you telling them that their relationship is wrong.
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Age Gap Relationships
When you hear about Suzy dating Bobby, it’s all hunky dorey and most go about their business. But when you find out that Bobby is ten years older than Suzy, things get awkward. There is a certain stigma associated with older people dating younger ones—are they mentally ill? No, most of them are not. They are not some perverted sociopath only concerned with getting the youngest in their bed—often times they are genuinely in love with that person’s personality.
According to MayDecemberSecrets.com, there really are no differences in how communication works between a “May” and a “December”. There are “core issues” that do need to be addressed, but these couples fight and talk about the same things, and thus, are not any different than a same age relationship.
Samantha*, an IUP undergraduate freshman, once told me of her boyfriend: “He’s thirty five years old. People think it’s so weird, but I love his maturity—we just mesh so well because I often feel alienated among my peers. My interests aren’t the same as theirs.”
I have to agree—I was once involved with someone twenty years my senior, and I often go for older men when I am looking to date. There is some fact to how women mature faster than men. So next time you throw judgment at someone’s mixed age relationship, you need to remember that the maturity factor may play a large part in how they came together.
The bottom line is that if you fall in love, you will fall in love. It may be messy and complicated and make you feel crazy, but you and only you will ever know how it feels in your particular situation. If your friends or family disapprove of whom you find attractive, then tell them while you respect their concern it is ultimately up to you to decide who you want to be with.
*Names changed per interviewee’s request
Sources:
Samantha*, personal interview
Brandon, personal interview
Jenni*, personal interview
Stephanie*, personal interview
Associate Press/U.S. Census Bureau Statistics on Interracial Marriages
http://maydecembersecrets.com/articles/are-may-december-relationship-rea…
photos courtesy of:
theinfamouslife.com
zimbio.com
pelalusa.blogspot.com