Welcome to the world of college dating! This can be an exciting, confusing, scary place and time, especially when your only dating experience, if any, has been with relationships in high school. Sure there are some differences, but as long as you know how to approach them, you can form long lasting, close relationships as friends and significant others over the next few years.
The Significance of a Date
There’s a lot of pressure with dating in high school. If you go out on a date with someone, it’s a huge deal. “Do you want to go out with me sometime?” in high school is like a binding contract just short of a marriage license.
Luckily for us, this is college now. A date does not equal a boyfriend or girlfriend. A date is just that—a date. It is a way that two people get to know each other and test the waters for a relationship.
So, here is the important part: Don’t be afraid to ask someone on, or agree to go on, a date! You may end up with a significant other, you may end up with a friend, and you may end up gaining knowledge of the kind of person that you do not want to date. No matter what, as long as you go to a safe environment and are responsible, you can gain something from each person you meet. That being said, you will most likely have more dates than serious relationships. It may even be possible for you to go out on a date with a new guy each weekend. If you really feel like you’re not connecting with those people, then that’s fine, but don’t forget to give people a chance.
Options
When you’re in high school, there are maybe 200 people, 100 guys, 30 datable, 10 not taken… you get the point. Your options are limited.
On a college campus, especially one with around 15,000 students like IUP, your options seem limitless. This is all very exciting, but at the same time, it can be a little overwhelming. Just breathe; it will be ok.
The most important thing to do when thrust into this large population of people is to not be too picky. The temptation may be there; after all, with thousands of people, shouldn’t you be able to be as picky as you want? NO! With dating having less pressure, and people being more available, it may be easy to skip over people that at first glance don’t rank high on your list of standards. However, what you may find is, if you slow down and get to know people more, they may have qualities that you adore. Get to know people before you rule them out! They just may surprise you.
Previous Knowledge
Boyfriends, girlfriends, and friends in general for the first 18 or so years of someone’s life largely consist of a familiar group of people. Beyond academic classes, there are out of school clubs, sporting events, part time jobs, religious organizations, and other activities. The chances of dating someone that you, your family, or your friends have not known for a reasonable amount of time are slim. This previous knowledge includes information on how that person’s past relationships have gone. Now it is true that you don’t know everything about a person until you actually talk to them regularly and deeply, but it’s not hard to do some investigative work simply by asking one or two friends about a person’s reputation.
This changes when entering a new environment, especially one with so many people as in college. There are so many people that you have never seen or met, and even if you ask four or five of your friends, they may never have even heard of the person you’re interested in dating.
Navigating this field of the unknown is why dating is so important in college. Go out on some casual and formal dates, have a couple conversations that allow you to get a feel for what the person is like on the inside, and then decide whether you would want to enter a relationship. Don’t rush it! Through this process, you might realize that they are even better than you thought, or you might find some not-so-obvious flaws that are a big turn off. You never know what they might be hiding, or what they might be unaware of, about their personalities or bodies until it is too late. [In order to protect yourself from STDs/STIs it is important to always use a condom, even if you are on birth control, and even if the other persons says they are clean.]
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Speed of Relationships
Between curfews, limits on transportation, lack of money, spending eight hours a day in school, restrictions from parents, etc., most relationships in high school move at a fairly slow pace. Also, people are still searching for who they are and what they want. Although everyone has their own speed in which they are comfortable moving, there will always be some limits. Then comes…
Freedom! Parents are gone, and so are many of those other previous restrictions. People have a stronger personal identity and know a little bit more about what they want in a partner. All of this leads to relationships that move along at a faster pace than those in high school. This can be nice, but dangerous. Getting too close too fast can lead to a seriously painful heartbreak. Also, if you become blind to others around you because you are so involved in your relationship, you might miss out on your true Mr. Right or maybe a friend that is reaching out to you. Don’t be afraid to get close, but invest your love wisely, and keep your heart open to others in your life.
Time Management
When you start class early in the morning, go through your schedule, eat lunch with your friends, stay after for sports or activities, then do homework and hang out some after the day is done, managing school work and a social life aren’t that difficult.
Now in college you have different schedules from your friends, academics are much more important to actually learn, and not just pass (not to mention that you are now paying to attend these classes), and your previously established social network may be across the state or even the country. On top of all of that, you now have somehow turned into a cat that needs to sleep 20 hours a day. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day!
I’m sure you’ve heard that you can only pick two of the following three: social life, good grades, and sleep. I am happy to tell you that this does not have to be true. Working more on academics doesn’t necessarily mean having no social life. A great way to spend time with friends and significant others is to have study dates. Whether you’re working on assignments for the same class or not, just physically being in the present of another person can make you feel closer to them. Find activities that fulfill both your academic and social goals. This isn’t to say that you can’t have fun with your friends in totally unproductive ways; in fact, I encourage taking time to do that! Just don’t forget to schedule in time to finish what you need to for class.
Relationship Goals
Where do you want a relationship to go? Is it just a fun fling, or are you searching for a life partner in a person? These questions normally aren’t addressed in high school relationships. As we get older, however, these are important expectations to clarify. If you just want someone to have fun with, and the other person wants a long-term relationship, you will both be disappointed in the end.
When you first start seeing someone and are considering a relationship, just slip it into conversation what kind of companion you are looking for. It will either end with you two connecting over a similar goal, or realizing that maybe you are better off as friends, preventing heartache later down the line.
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Roommates
For the first 18 or so years of a person’s life, it is most likely that their only roommates have been family members, if they had roommates at all. The restrictions on bringing a boyfriend or girlfriend over were set, and enforced, by parents or guardians.
In college it might seem like these restrictions are gone, especially if you have a bedroom to yourself. Please, please, PLEASE do not think that your roommate does not exist! Even if you have a bedroom to yourself, it is still your roommates space too. Also, walls are thin. Very thin. Just remember that for late night conversations and other activity going on in your room that you might not want overheard. Talk to your roommate about when it is OK for both of you to have guests over, and try to respect those requests. If you are sharing a bedroom, this becomes even more important. It’s a good idea to have some sort of code or system set up so your roommate knows when she shouldn’t come in the room. I know that this seems like an awkward conversation, but I promise that the talk will be less awkward than walking in when one of you shouldn’t. Also, don’t forget to tell your roommate when it’s safe to come back into the room. You don’t want to leave them wandering the halls or sleeping on a lounge couch all night!
Distance
With dating in high school, you’re going to always be about the same distance from your partner. You’ll see them during the school day or after school activities, then you can hang out on weekends, over the summer, and whenever else you can. For the most part, it’s a consistent pattern.
One of the biggest difficulties of dating in college is the distance when you go home for breaks. This creates a void that could be on the other side of the state, or even the other side of the country. If you’ve never had a long distance relationship before, and weren’t planning on ever having one, you may find yourself in a difficult situation.
The good news is breaks don’t have to mean the end of relationships. They certainly will test your partnership, but if you keep in touch via texting, calling, video chatting, or even old-fashioned hand written mail, you certainly can maintain a close relationship. If it is too difficult, you may find it easier to take a small break in your relationship status, or even postpone starting one. Whatever you decide, don’t let the breaks in your time together be the only reason for not starting what could be a wonderful relationship.
It’s Your Turn!
This has been a small introduction to the world of college dating. Of course, every person and every relationship is different, but I hope that this general guide will help you know a little bit more about what to expect during this new, exciting, and maybe a little bit scary time in your life. If you have any questions about college dating or relationships that you want answered, post them and I will try to incorporate the answer in future articles. Thank you for reading, and have fun meeting wonderful new people!